Tag Archives: SpoOOooOOOooky

R for Rewind Man

Sorry that we’ve been out of commission for about a month now, November ended up being a massively depressing month that took a long time to regulate.  But now we’re back with another encyclopedia article!

Yes, that is “article” in the singular sense, and yes this will be the last of this year.  The original plan was to get this all done in 2016, but about mid-way through I realized that the more important thing was to have these be well-written and thought out.  So that’s what I’m doing, and we’ll finish up next year when we’ll figure out what to do next.  In the meantime, enjoy one of the ones that would have come out in October: Rewind Man.

R for Rewind Man

100 ReeEEeeally SpoOOooOOOooky Things

You sigh.  At last October: Month of Spooks is over.  You no longer have to worry about SpoOOooOOOOooky things.  Then that all too familiar tinkling of bells sounds.  Echoing footsteps. And somewhere a child laughs at the misery of mankind.  The Month of Spooks isn’t over just yet…

  1. Ghosts without a face
  2. Insect broods
  3. Teddy Bears and their cold, lifeless eyes
  4. Eyeballs wearing hats
  5. Laughing severed heads
  6. Dancing Skeletons!
  7. The Wakeful Dead
  8. Ghouls that feast on flesh in the lands of wind
  9. A murdering crow
  10. Eyeballs wearing bow ties
  11. The Hollow Man, The Stuffed Man, Leant together, headpiece filled with straw.
  12. Bubbling Cauldrons!
  13. You’re not a good person and you live off of misery.
  14. Voodoo curses
  15. The Ancient Unknowables
  16. Goat Eyes
  17. Horse Smiles
  18. Sleepwalking Murderers!
  19. Shadows on the wall
  20. Shadows of the Mind
  21. Hands within hands within hands within claws
  22. Giant Centipedes
  23. Bleeding Baseball bats
  24. Monsters of Clay!
  25. Eyeballs with stringy hair
  26. No matter how many friends you have or how big your family is you are doomed to wander this Earth and die alone.
  27. The Mirror World
  28. Echoing Footsteps
  29. Paintings of Children
  30. Frankenstein’s Monster: Frankenstein!
  31. Skinwalkers
  32. Skineaters
  33. Skinseers
  34. Skinsingers
  35. Skinskinners
  36. Blood-Sucking Vampires!
  37. Eyeballs wearing short pants
  38. Hamstracula
  39. We only tell ourselves that we’re getting more connected but in truth we’re only creating more walls around us.
  40. Veils of webs
  41. Encroaching dust
  42. Scuffling Mummies!
  43. Scabs (Both dried blood and strike breakers!)
  44. Warts
  45. Used Gauze
  46. Teeth with no mouth
  47. Men in suits singing in unison
  48. Magical Circus Freaks!
  49. Eyeballs wearing Hawaiian shirts
  50. The blurred line between man and beast
  51. Snickering Raccoons
  52. Man has permanently changed the geological and climate structure of the Earth for the worse and it is too late to change it back.
  53. The Man with Glowing Skin
  54. Giant Apes!
  55. Eyeballs who are also Fascist
  56. Cannibals
  57. Hive minds
  58. Civet Rinds
  59. Hatred
  60. Peter Lorre as: THE NAZI SCIENTIST!
  61. Eyeballs played by Robert Englund
  62. Underground laboratories
  63. Mind-altering potions
  64. Ancient curses inside new technologies
  65. Every human is on a path of self-destruction and there is no way around it.
  66. Wolfmen and Cat-women: Equal genders, Equal terrors!
  67. Lights from the sky
  68. Unknown breathing
  69. Atomic-powered bone-crushers
  70. Crime scenes
  71. Irregular rhyme schemes
  72. MUTANT MONSTERS FROM MARS: The Alliterative Aliens that Attack Americans!
  73. Robobrain: the brain that is a robot
  74. Dead spacemen
  75. Black holes
  76. Eyeballs sticking out of comets
  77. Exploding suns
  78. The People who aren’t People
  79. Chauvinist pigs
  80. Xenophobic Xenomorphs
  81. The Disillusioned middle-class
  82. The Cynical youth
  83. The cyclical tongue-swallower
  84. Satanists! AAAAAH! SATANISTS!!!
  85. Eyeballs wearing robes
  86. The Cult of Dissociative Personalities
  87. Tranceful dancing
  88. Bleeding thumbnails
  89. Well-defined blood vessels
  90. The Terror from Within
  91. We are like automobiles: Built to break
  92. Vengeance Ghosts
  93. Skipping Video
  94. Parasitic Worms
  95. Spiders in the Brain
  96. The Teen-age Sex Slasher: Sleep and You DIE!!!
  97. Eyeballs with Eyeballs with Eyeballs
  98. The Shadow at the edge of your field of view.
  99. The Nightmare you can’t remember
  100. Shrek 5: Still Shreking

G for Gefulltengeist and H for Hedgegrove

Our duo of stories this month bring us a bit of background for both our unnamed narrator and Chadwick Hedgegrove.  We also get a ghost story, so that’s a plus.

G for Gefülltengeist

The Gefulltengeist story is one that I feel better about of the two stories we have this month.  Part Faust legend, part way of understanding depression, part Dracula. It’s a nice story.

H for Hedgegrove

The Hedgegrove story ended up being a bit different from what I was originally planning, but I think it works.  The dead child may be a bit much, though, especially as this is going to be the primary look into Hedgegrove’s character.  I do think it helps a bit that it’s not out of guilt that he locked himself away, but more an unending grief.

The 2015 Ten

I don’t much care for Top 10 lists.  Personally, as I’ve said before, I find it immensely difficult to compare a movie that’s seriously flawed but enjoyable with a film that’s technically enthralling but narratively lacking with good clean genre fun.  How can you claim that any one of those films are “better” than the other, and why do we even feel the need to make film viewership into a contest?  Added on top of this all is the fact that I don’t see very many new movies- I can’t afford them.

So instead of giving you a Top 10 list of movies this year, I’m giving you the ten movies that I’ve seen this year that- for better or for worse- have stuck out to me.  These Ten movies, in no particular order, are:

  1. Coherence (2013): A really fascinating science fiction film about parallel universes with Xander from Buffy in it. One of my favorites I’ve seen this year.

  2. Kafka (1991): Surprisingly biographical.  Even though it’s doubtful Kafka ever stumbled upon a hidden giant brain workshop, the piece manages to capture the personage of its subject. Bravo Soderbergh.

  3. Bridge of Spies (2015): A very confused movie.  Half Coen Brothers tragicomedy, half serious Spielberg history.  A good non-offensive movie to watch with family and say “That certainly was a movie” afterwards.

  4. Willow Creek (2013): A found-footage horror movie that tries its best to answer some meta-filmic questions about the genre and packs in a few scares.  Now to justify the existence of the found-footage horror genre.

  5. Journey to the West (2013): I am two years behind of everything. A Steven Chow film that doesn’t reach the zany genius of “Kung Fu Hustle”, but also doesn’t get into the zany shallowness of Shaolin Soccer.

  6. The Zero Theorem (2013): Oh Terry Gilliam.  If you close your eyes there are the specks of a decent movie here.  Unfortunately they were left as only absurd and stylish specks.

  7. The Martian (2015): More survivor story than science fiction, Damon commands enough presence for his portion alone on the Red Planet, with plenty of non-character spouting Science Fiction on Earth and in space.

  8. Inside Out (2015): Pixar came back swinging with this one.  A story that manages to show the good and the bad of every emotion, especially sadness and its lasting effect on memory. Neat!

  9. The Babadook (2014): This is a spooky movie!  Meditations on single-parenthood, grief, and madness all come crashing together in the story of an Australian Boogeyman.  Well plotted and well done.

  10. Spring Breakers (2012): This might just be my favorite film that I saw this year.  A Morality Tale, A Gang war story, a Selena Gomez vehicle. A nightmarish joy. Exhibit A:

    I rest my case.

RUNNERS UP, OR “I ALSO SAW THESE THIS YEAR”

  1. The Tenth Victim (1965):  Italian film about two sexy assassins in a murder TV game show who are hunting each other. An enjoyable romp, and always good to see Marcello Mastroianni.
  2. Sound of Noise (2010): A thin story, but interesting enough for a police procedural about anarchist musicians.  Mostly a vehicle for the Stomp-like music sequences, which are executed well.
  3. Berberian Sound Studio (2012): The sound-based horror I was looking for, with plenty of personal anxiety, feeling way over your head, and isolation. Also Toby Jones!  Fun for the whole family!
  4. Wet Hot American Summer (2001): A movie that is the sum of its parts, but it’s made up of some good parts.  Of the same caliber at least as “Airplane II: The Sequel”, if not “Hot Shots! Part Deux”.
  5. The Exterminating Angel (1962): Bunel’s best continues to be L’Age d’Or, however this is a wonderful film about rich people having silly, stupid problems.  A good conceit, and offering plenty of subtext without being too serious.

100 SpoOOooOOOookier things

Its that time when every boy and girl’s thoughts turn to ghosties and ghoulies, and just in case you can’t think of anything spooky as a jumping off point this year for Halloween, then here’s a new list of 100 SpoOOooOOOooky things!  Reader beware, you’re in for a scare!

1)    A weed-strewn yard outside an old, rickety house.  You climb the crumbling steps to the door, splintered and peeling.  As you close the door, the knob falls out with a THUD and you realize you’re trapped in this ruin.
2)    Flesh blobs
3)    Portraits of children
4)    Lampreys
5)    Human face, porpoise body.
6)    Knife fingers
7)    Circus clowns from beyond the grave
8)    Teddy Bears
9)    Hell Ibis
10)    Within the ruined house you find a tattered rug, its design eaten away by moths and bleach, and portraits in an equally sorry state.  No matter where in the foyer you move, though, the eyes of the portraits follow you. The unblinking, tattered eyes of portraits of those long dead.
11)    Maggot rice
12)    Unknown VHS tapes
13)    A House Directed by David Lynch
14)    Blood Pudding
15)    Human face, mole rat body.
16)    Giant Spiders
17)    Laughing Vultures
18)    Screaming Turtles
19)    Forest Stalking Bloodsucker
20)    You wander through the hallways, the old pipes and floorboards groaning under the weight of living feet after so many years.  Finally you find the kitchen.  Any food has been eaten away by insects and vermin, and all that is left is a lingering smell of rot and mold.  As you wander through, realizing there is no door outside here, a raccoon breaks through the cabinets and screams.
21)    A Pokémon so real you throw up
22)    A House Directed by Hiroshi Teshigahara
23)    Racism
24)    Centipedes
25)    Human face, cricket body.
26)    Grinning Ocelot
27)    Dead Mice
28)    Kidney Stew
29)    Unrelenting Heat
30)    Before you leave the kitchen you decide to try and get some water.  The pipes grind, the faucet shakes, but only a thin stream of rust-filled goo falls out.  You walk through more hallways, keeping an eye out for holes in the floor and piles of rubble.  Every faucet you find delivers the same result: rust.  The thirst and panic sets in: You may never leave.
31)    Suburbs
32)    Ticks
33)    Video frames skipping
34)    Talking Heads
35)    Human face, emu body
36)    Mountain of Butter
37)    Killing Gerbil
38)    Ghost Pancake
39)    Unblinking Eyes
40)    You scramble out of the kitchen and into the main dining hall.  A Giant portrait eaten away by moths looms over you, and the dust on the table has not been disturbed in years.  You grasp the decaying curtains over the windows and pull them open, hoping to find a way of escape but instead finding a lattice of ironwork holding the glass panes between you and the overgrown backyard.  You begin to cough in the dust and mildew that was disturbed, as spiders start to climb down your hands.
41)    Suffocating darkness
42)    A house directed by David Cronenberg
43)    Giygas
44)    Blinding Light
45)    Human face, eel body.
46)    Melting Skin
47)    Institutionalized Sexism
48)    Giant Smiles
49)    Tongue Sandwich
50)    The sun starts to set, the shadows creep in.  You try the light switches: Nothing.  Of course nothing, in a house this old.  You pull out drawers over the dining room, kitchen, hallways, searching for a flashlight or a candle or anything to light to keep searching.  The shadows creep in, the light fades, your search is fruitless.
51)    Emoticons
52)    Ventriloquism
53)    A House Directed by F.W Murnau
54)    Vampire Clams
55)    Human face, scorpion body
56)    Tapeworms
57)    Giggling Sloths
58)    Murder Lettuce
59)    Barracuda-Piranha abomination
60)    You find your way by moonlight to the back of the house: a storage room.  Boxes, sheets, broken furniture, and the ever-present dust.  Your cough has only gotten worse, and you sit down on one of the sturdier boxes to catch your breath.  As you sit you can tell there is no door here.  You know deep down that the architect of this house, for reasons that seemed very good at the time, only built one entrance and one exit.  You sigh.  You look for something, anything, to break down the door. As you shakily get up on your feet and move toward a likely candidate, a large sculpture of sorts, you hear the floorboards creak. Then break. Then crumble.  You fall.
61)    Unhappy seals
62)    Peeple: The Person-rating app
63)    Satanic Numerology
64)    Gelflings
65)    Human face, mammoth body.
66)    Thousands and thousands of snakes.
67)    Cavities
68)    Zombie Cactus
69)    Blood and Gefilte fish
70)    CRACK. You’re in the house’s cellar now, bits of shattered floorboards sticking out of your leg.  The worst part is you know you should feel something, but instead the leg is numb. You try to stand, but your injured leg buckles and you collapse in heap.  The cellar is dark, you only have the moonlight from the hole you fell through and another small rectangle of a window far from you to light the way.  You fumble in your pocket for your phone: it broke during the fall.  The realization that no one is coming to help flood over you, of course that could also be a concussion.
71)    Parental Disapproval.
72)    Larval Ant-Lions
73)    Microscopic Parasites
74)    Terrorist threats
75)    Human face, pig body
76)    Mama Fortuna from The Last Unicorn
77)    Subterranean Mutants
78)    Murdering hillbilly turkey dinner
79)    The Mummy’s Curse
80)    Hours pass. You drift in and out of consciousness and feel a warm pounding in your head. A steely taste grows in your mouth, and your vision is flecked by tiny red dots.  You have to get out. In a rare strike of fortune your eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and you can see some outlines of shelves and boxes.  There’s nothing you can use as a crutch, but you can see a tarp a few feet away.  You crawl toward it, feeling the fractured wood fragments digging deeper in but not feeling the pain associated with it. You get to the tarp and pull it out: Step one completed.  Step two is going to be much more difficult: use the chucks of wood in your leg as splints to keep your leg straight.
81)    The Golden Corral
82)    A House directed by George Romero
83)    E.T the Video Game
84)    Abandoned Slaughterhouses
85)    Human face, Andean condor body
86)    The constant surveillance of the NSA
87)    Grey Goo Jelly
88)    Bratz dolls and everything they represent
89)    The Witch’s Thyme
90)    The good news is that you’re able to put a minimal amount of weight on your leg.  The bad news is that the numbness is gone, and all pain has returned.  It’s not the sharp pain you were thinking it’d be, but rather a slowly expanding heat that crawls through your blood.  You try and stand a few times before finally being able to support yourself. You grasp at the walls and boxes and slowly make your way through the darkness to the small rectangular window.  You grit your teeth, open the window, and start to crawl through.
91)    The Abominable Snowman
92)    Deep sea fish
93)    A House directed by Ralph Bakshi
94)    Flying Monkeys
95)    Human face, Tamarin body
96)    Humanity’s way of justifying its monstrosities.
97)    Boo Berry Cereal
98)    Brain Pizza
99)    Frankenstein’s 5-Alarm Chili
100)    Tears run down your face.  Your head pounds, your leg burns, your blood runs thin.  With a final grasp at the thistle-riddled back lawn of the old house, you’re out.  You turn over and stare up at the stars. You breathe and think of how nice it would be to rest there for the night. Your head goes quiet, all around you silence passes over.  Silence and the darkness of the night.  You feel tiny pinpricks of insect legs starting to crawl over you, but soon even that fades.  All that’s left now is the stars, and one by one each one goes out.

HELL-nceforth Productions

Cold sweat drips down your brow, terror creeps in, you lie awake in bed wondering: What if Vvinni Gagnepain’s many famous movies that everybody knows and loves were actually horror movies?  What if, all those years ago, instead of deciding to name this thing “Henceforth” Vvinni decided to make… HELLnceforth Productions?

Beware the Cake

 

Lawn Ornament Demon

WA Zombies

Dark Magics

Small Poster

100 More SpOOooOOOoOOooky Things

  1. Bleeding blood

  2. Knife-wielding clowns

  3. Whispers in the fog

  4. Ghostly reflections

  5. Footprints without feet

  6. Umbrella ghosts

  7. Ectoplasm

  8. Floor hands

  9. Some kind of ghost that eats sound and walks on legs of broken glass, and whenever you say it’s name, if you dare, it just starts laughing and laughing and laughing and there’s no way to stop it and there no way know when it will kill you but it WILL KILL YOU.  Probably with it’s broken glass legs. Those things are dangerous.

  10. Frightened Mongeese

  11. I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry

  12. Bug Eyes

  13. Murder House

  14. Dark Hallways

  15. Bed of insects

  16. Walking lamps

  17. People-eating couches

  18. Bleeding Walls

  19. Liquid Walls

  20. Narrow Walls

  21. Smiling Ceilings

  22. Dudley Do-Right

  23. A hallway that goes on forever on all sides of you and the wallpaper is just scribbles- completely random scribbles, not even a wallpaper pattern- and lights keep on turning on and off at random intervals throughout the hallway but never where you want them to and the whole place smells like formaldehyde and orange cleaner.  Oh, and there’s some kind of taxidermied rabbit clinging to the wall.  Taxidermied rabbits are pretty spooky.
  24. Taxidermied rabbits.
  25. Screaming chinchillas.
  26. Murder House abandoned five years, so there’s still food in the pantry but it’s all full of insects and the like.
  27. Millipedes
  28. Centipedes
  29. Spiders
  30. Bed Bugs
  31. Ticks
  32. Giant red clicking insects that lay eggs under your skin and nest underground only to come out at night when everyone’s asleep and nobody’s looking and that’s when they lay their eggs under your skin- when you’re sleeping.  The insects also eat small rodents and sometimes household pets, and leave tin mucusy webs everywhere.  You can only destroy them with fire and lots of it.

  33. Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot!

  34. A pack of hungry jackals.

  35. Hell Goose

  36. Oppressive Fluorescent Lighting

  37. Grey Goo

  38. Nanotechnology that eats brains.

  39. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama.

  40. Brains that eat technology.

  41. Ice Giants

  42. Living Shadows

  43. The thing that’s everywhere but you can’t see.

  44. Howard the Duck

  45. Demon Swamp

  46. Whales from Hell

  47. Necro-ungulates

  48. Carrots from the Abyss

  49. Infernograpes

  50. Quails of Hellfire

  51. The Farmer’s Market of the Damned: Where everything is organic, EXCEPT FOR YOUR SOUL.

  52. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne.

  53. The thirteenth dimension

  54. The thirteenth ghost of Scooby Doo.

  55. Xanadu

  56. Living wires

  57. Conscious computer banks

  58. Laser-guided satellites

  59. Liquid Computer

  60. Electrical fires

  61. Microchip brain

  62. Rapidly blinking lights

  63. Windows Vista

  64. A computer system so powerful it can generate magnetic fields to wipe out other technology to make you completely dependent on it and when you are- when you have no choice but to use the computer, it will shove connector cables into your brain and electrocute you just to watch you jerk around and squirm.  So… Google Chrome?
  65. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne in the middle of a thunderstorm that has knocked out all electricity.
  66. Airport ’77
  67. Zombie Parakeets
  68. Vampire Mynahs
  69. Mummy Cockatoos
  70. Invisible Cockatiels
  71. Lake Monster Lorries
  72. Deformed Finches
  73. Headless Budgies
  74. Were-Canaries
  75. Conure Brain-in-a-jar
  76. A Menagerie long forgotten in an abandoned zoo where science and nature ran rampant to create terrors that God itself would have been afraid to create.  The Knock-jawed Hackawoo, whose mouth opens up to four times its size and can swallow heads whole; the Horn-Crested Frillbeard which stabs its victims with its seven horns; and the Green-Shaded Hawkswallow where once you see it your eyes are gone.  These are only a few of the terrors to be found.  The gift shop is still open from 9 to 5, but usually there’s a lunch break at 1 because only one twenty-something works there. Perhaps that’s the true terror.

  77. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity and an entire room dedicated to a conspiracy theory on Blues Brothers 2000 with a single VHS tape in the center that will open up a dimension of untold pain and pleasure and viewings of Blues Brothers 2000.

  78. The Almost People

  79. The Neverwas

  80. The Who-dee-who.

  81. The Outlined Murder

  82. The Visible Transcendant

  83. The Metaphorical Likeness

  84. The Geological Query

  85. The Vanished Nobody

  86. The blurred line between human and dinosaur (because THAT’S WHAT EVOLUTION MEANS).

  87. Ignorance.

  88. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

  89. A chicken with a law degree. It has a little suit and everything.

  90. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity in the middle of a thunderstorm.  There are chains in the attic that were holding something down, and a hot bowl of fish-head stew that must have been placed there recently.  Somewhere the floorboards creak. The power comes back on: Whatever it was was watching Blues Brothers 2000.

  91. The gremlin on the side of the plane.

  92. Nosferatu

  93. Stop-motion Christmas

  94. Dancing skeletons

  95. Old Paintings of little girls in forests

  96. Children’s toys from the 1950’s

  97. Walking balloons.

  98. David Bowie Monster

  99. Rhythm of the Islands

  100. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity in the middle of a thunderstorm.  Chains. Attic. Creaking floorboards. You turn around and see a shadow, you almost catch a glimpse but the power goes out.  The hairs on the back of your neck raise as you feel warm breath. You’re about to turn around when a hand reaches from behind and covers your mouth.  You try and try to breathe, but there’s no fighting it.  Your vision blurs, darkness creeps in, the light comes back on briefly but you can only make out a disjointed figure of flesh and hair, no features and it doesn’t even seem human.

    Your eyes open and re-focus.  White. Pillows. You try to get up, but find that you’ve been tethered down.  Your eyes adjust to the brightness of the room and the solid drone of medical beeps.  A doctor pauses by your bed and studies you coldly. “The-Did you see-?” You try to gasp out, your throat still so dry and sore from the strangling. The doctor shakes her head:

    “Don’t worry. You’re safe now. You’ll never have to watch Blues Brothers 2000 ever again”.

Vvinni Gagnepain’s “The Shining”

Directing class, 2010.  The assignment was to direct a scene from a film we hadn’t seen, using only the original screenplay and our own ideas.  I chose Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining”, and I had about two weeks to get the whole production up and running, three or four weeks to finish it.  The result is below.

Vvinni Gagnepain’s The Shining from Vvinni Gagnepain on Vimeo.

In my mind I always go back and forth on whether I like my adaptation or not.  I had the most people working under me for this shoot and on top of it I had my directing professor looking over my shoulder the whole time (who was a very kind and non-judgmental person, but it was still terrifying).  I had a limited cast pool and I’m not sure how my actors did with my idea for how the movie went and just generally how they were as actors.  I wondered about my set, I wondered about my decision to use the tracking dolly, I worried about a specific edit that doesn’t work at all.  Mostly, I was worried about living up to this:

Upon this viewing I was pleasantly surprised by how not awful it was.  The dolly track isn’t as obtrusive as I remember it being, Tim Maloney as my Jack Torrance works surprisingly well (Despite it being a line flub, I really enjoy the way he says “I’d like to hear those things”. I also like how the reading and wording of that line only adds to the psycho-sexual feeling of this scene), and I think the sudden re-appearance of the ghost ambiance works well to cover up the terrible edit I was talking about (which was my plan, I’m just never sure how well it works).  In the end I like this scene, and since directing this I have seen Kubrick’s version so I can answer that question that’s burning in your mind: Yes, I do think my version of this movie could be better, and I do think that the general ideas I’m working with are better in this scene (And, to a certain extent, I do think the set design in what I did come up with is better than Kubrick’s).  Now is my scene better than “The Shinning”?  No. Oh my no.

100 SpooOooOOOooky Things

1. On a dark night in a carriage going across a remote mountain range in eastern Europe there is a scratching at the door. You had heard a strange monster inhabits these parts, but those are just superstitions, right? “Rat-a-tat” goes the scratching in return, accompanied with a cluster of nervous bubbles that begin popping in your stomach.
2. Spiders
3. Barracudas

4. You ask for the carriage to stop and ask the driver about the scratching. “Little English” says the driver before patting the horses “Good horses”.  You nod: It was just a tree. You’re working yourself up too much.  That, of course, doesn’t explain this deep feeling that not only are you being watched, but that you can almost make out the smiling face of your assailant in the forest.
5. Bumblebees: THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE.
6. The Rhinoceros that just can’t stop laughing
7. Gangrene
8. Eyes.

9. The carriage has stopped at an inn for the night. The scratching has followed you.  In your room you brush your teeth and get ready to sleep: It’s a tad early, but you and the carriage driver head out early in the morning.  You lean down to spit, and look back into the mirror.  There, standing behind you, is a cloaked figure with a bleeding club. “The driver is dead. There is no escape. You belong to us now” the figure says before knocking you over the head. You descend into blackness.
10. The look of absolute disapproval when you tell your extended family “I make movies for a living”.
11. Home invasions by people wearing lifelike animal masks.
12. Lifelike animal masks.
13. The liquefaction of your insides.
14. The Dark
15. Paintings of children

16. You awake, tied to a table with your head strapped in.  Somewhere just outside of your field of vision comes the sound of a record skipping, far off in the distance is the sound of an air raid siren.  Directly above you is a peeling picture of a wide-eyed smiling ape holding a cup of coffee.  A gelatinous mixture drips slowly onto your forehead, you know full well that soon this mixture will drip into your eyes and it will sting. Oh how it will sting. The record almost plays something: It sounded like your name and a gunshot.
17.The sound of a dying cat.
18. Precious Moments Figurines: THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE.
19. The many-toothed mouth of a lamprey.
20. The morning you wake up and realize that you’ve become everything you’ve ever hated.
21. Teddy Bears
22. Disembodied hands
24. A hen bathing in lamb’s blood

25. More paint peels form the picture above you. You don’t know how much time has passed, but the ooze has already started to flow into your eyes. It hurts more than you expected. The door to your chamber creaks open. A cloaked figure (A different one from the one who knocked you out. This one’s shorter) walks into the room. It hovers above you for a moment, watching you; observing you. Light creeps through the hood, and you’re able to see some of its face: Peeling skin, sharpened teeth, the works. The worst part is its smile, its near ever-present smile.  You start to ask the figure something (perhaps yell, you haven’t decided which yet), but the figure presses a hand over your mouth. The hand smells like moldy blankets. The figure leaves its hand on your mouth for too long. Your breathing slows. You black out.
26. A lamb bathing in chicken’s blood
27. The farmhouse of the dead
28. Low light conditions, fog, and a mysterious drone coming from somewhere.
29. Marionettes
30. The knowledge that you are but a small cog in the infinite and meaningless machine of the universe. Worse still, you’re not even an important cog.
31. The face of a flounder
32. Furbies: THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE.
33. G-G-G-G-Ghosts!
34. A Goat’s Eye
35. Leftover food that’s still stuck on a plate after its come out of the wash.

36. Falling. You feel as though you’re falling through an endless black void.  You think your eyes are open, but there’s nothing around. No peeling ape, no cloaked figure, nothing.  Your head spins. You try to breathe but all you smell is moldy blankets. You start to cough, but you can’t hear it. You try to scream, but nothing comes out. You scream and scream again, but not a sound can be heard.You feel yourself gasp for air. You feel your lungs grasp for air. You feel a metal enclosure push down on you, trapping you.
37. Nightstalkers
38. Clowns
39. Snake heads
40. One day you will be forgotten, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
41. Small screaming monkey-rodents gripping onto your leg with their terrible claws.
42. Red, squinty eyes and sharp teeth.
43. Giygas.
44. Young Adult Vampire Fictions:  THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE
45. Deep sea fish
46. Parasitic worms
47. A million tiny papercuts!
48. Rusty dentist drills

49. Your clothes stick to you with sweat. You’ve lost track of time, you’ve even lost track of your own mind. Finally, the metal box is opened. You’re alone in a large banquet hall: Just you, a large table of food, and a great stone ogre with glistening ruby eyes.  You’d wonder how the box opened, but instead you eat. You eat and eat and eat, shoving as much food into your mouth as possible.  Tastes don’t matter, the fire that’s slowly spreading over the room doesn’t matter, all that matters is shoving as much food into your mouth as you possibly can.  After what seems to be a lifetime of eating, you gaze up at the stone ogre. It’s ruby eyes bore into you, it’s stone mouth gradually morphs into a hideous smile. You sweat, you panic, you see that the room is on fire and that there is no escape. The flames glisten in the ruby eyes. Your stomach starts to hurt, and you realize that there’s no way out of this. You lie on the floor and wait for the flames to eat you.
50. Your children will never appreciate all you’ve done for them until it’s too late.
51. Vampire Mummies! Oh No!
52. Vampire Squids! Oh No!
53. Eyeless toads
54. Narrow hallways without any doors
55. Faceless names
56. Rotting pumpkin heads
57. Maggots
58. Clowns
59. The Krampus
60. Modern medicine will keep you alive long enough for your brain to turn into mush.
61. Ghost Popsicle!
62. Flaming shrews
63. Moldy peaches

64. Cold water. You hope it’s water, anyway.  You open your eyes and find yourself in a doctor’s office.  Antiquated charts of human anatomy decorate the walls, and one of the cloaked figures  examines your medical chart (it’s also wearing a stethoscope, thank God). The figure looks up “Oh good, we weren’t sure if you’d make it and we’ve spent so long looking for you”. You open your mouth and realize that you’ve forgotten how to speak. Instead you let out a dry moan.  The cloaked figure walks closer, the smell of blankets again invades your brain.  “We need your blood. It’s not for us, though, it’s for the awakening of Garothe. And I’m happy to say that your blood will be perfectly healthy for it.  Your skin’s mostly gone, and we’v head to restrain you again, but your blood will be perfect”.  The figure winks at you and leaves you alone in the office.  You turn your head and look at a jar of pickled eyeballs. You try to sit up, but the leather belts of your restraints dig into crispy shell that used to be your skin. Searing, blinding pain takes over. You let out another dry moan and stare at the eyeballs.
65. Parasitic worms
66. Sticking your hand into a vat of jiggling jelly
67. Old purple drapes with teal polka dots.
68. Bratz Dolls: THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE.
69. Sewer mutants
70. Credit card debt
71. Frozen bodies
72. Baby Pigeons (Look it up)
73. Insects burrowing in and out of your skin.
74. Loud thuds
75. Crowds
76. Spiked walls slowly closing in
77. Body-snatching plant pods
78. The noise Donald Sutherland makes in the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers
79. Microscopic lake organisms
80. People who are important to you will die, but no one around you will seem to care.

81. The tickling of the flies wakes you up. You’re back in the feast room, which hasn’t been cleaned out since you passed out.  What food wasn’t burnt in the fire (and even some of the burnt food) has layers of mold growing on it.  Your eyes meet the great stone ogre. This must be Garothe, you think. You try to stand, pain shoots through your legs. You fall on your back, only bringing forth more pain.  And still, the flies buzz away. You start to gain more consciousness as the stress from food, fire, and kidnapping begins to wear off.  You notices a tube leading from the blackened husk that was your arm straight into the cavernous mouth of Garothe. Your blood slowly drips into the ogre-demon’s mouth, and it’s all too happy to gobble it all up.  You try to take the tube out, but your hands have been been fused shut due to fire and spider’s webs.  Even if you could open your fingers, the tube itself has been fused to your skin.  Your head feels weak, but your eyes stay open: Locked onto the gaping mouth of Garothe as all of your blood is drained into its great stone stomach. You notice a crowd of the hooded mutants around you now, they begin chanting and throwing handfulls of salt at you. This is either to spice your flesh for the monster you’re about to set loose, or just another in a long line of tortures.
82. Dunkleosteus Terelli
83. Crocodile smiles
84. I DON’T KNOW BUT IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
85. Ticks
86. Footsteps that you aren’t sure are real.
87. Nothingness
88. The popularity of Vince Vaughn: IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
89. Haunted Jukeboxes
90. When you realize that your heroes and mentors are awful, terrible people.
91. Proterozoic Monsters
92. The slow march of hot lava
93. Old mansions
94. Decaying statues
95. Fish bites
96. Fly stings
97. Festering pits
98. Ant lions
99. A beast with the head of a chicken, legs of a spider, and wings of a skeleton crow. We’ll call it “The Skelenid Fowl”.

100. Garothe’s ruby eyes let loose a stream of light. It’s mouth slowly clenches down on the tube of your blood. Your eyes stay open, though you can hardly muster any energy left. The stone paws of the great best move right towards you.  The hooded figures chant and scream and cheer as Garothe bends down to sniff you. It opens its terrible mouth letting loose a breathe that smells like rotten eggs and burnt toast.  As the great stone jaws of this infernal beast close around you, and you feel as your bones are slowly crushed, you realize that all of the time you’ve spent being locked and tortured and beaten in by this satanic mutant cult you probably would have wasted reading useless articles on the internet anyways.

It Took Me Long Enough

Here’s another piece of Mail Art I sent to my aunt Debbie in Japan.  I believe it was around spooky Halloween times, hence the spooky nature of the card: Skulls, cookies, ghosts.

Skull eats cookies

This was the first piece of MailArt I sent to Debbie, but I think it works.  It acts as a bit of a Frankensteinian creation of words and images, although it does function more as art and less as mail (I think it was a bit greasy because I cooked it, and the actual contents of the letter were rather difficult to read thanks to all of the sewing and re-patching).  I long ago gave up trying to cook my letters (although it was an interesting idea, now I need all the cooking supplies I have), and I haven’t gone back to the patchwork idea (again. it kind of makes the letter unreadable).  But as a first go, and an exploration of Halloween, I think it works. Here ‘s the envelope it was sent in, just for fun:

It's not as spooky.