Tag Archives: MEAT

100 Bad Restaurants

  1. A restaurant full of screaming monkeys
  2. A restaurant that only serves slabs of concrete
  3. A restaurant that leaves you handcuffed to a radiator for your entire meal.
  4. A restaurant that charges everything by the ounce (salt, napkins, plates, electricity, air, etc.)
  5. A restaurant that serves raw chicken
  6. A restaurant that serves food by throwing it in your face
  7. A restaurant full of angry bees
  8. A restaurant where everyone is forced to sing a “happy birthday” song every five minutes.
  9. A restaurant sitting on top of an active volcano
  10. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  11. A restaurant where waiters flip over tables when they’re angry.
  12. A restaurant that insists that everything tastes better with pickled okra.
  13. A restaurant that only exists in restaurant review books.
  14. A restaurant that refuses business to everyone.
  15. A restaurant full of hungry pugs.
  16. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Hurricane Katrina”.
  17. A restaurant that has your waiter sit down and judge you for the entire meal.
  18. A restaurant that takes your wallet at the door and then refuses to give it back.
  19. A restaurant that acts like it doesn’t know what a restaurant is.
  20. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  21. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Racial Stereotypes”.
  22. A restaurant that serves you food on plates made of plutonium.
  23. A restaurant inside of a CDC quarantine zone.
  24. A restaurant that has a gaping abyss in the middle, and when you stare deeply into it it stares also deeply into you. When you fall into the abyss you are never seen again, and the restaurant will only refund the meal but not pay for funerary expenses, as life is all but a meaningless exercise.  (It’s called “Nietzsche’s” It has a bleak atmosphere, small portions, and all meals have to be okayed by the owner’s sister.  It does, however, also have a fantastic cherry pie).
  25. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Killer clowns and harpsichords”.
  26. A beach taco stand that will only throw sand in your face.
  27. A food truck possessed by a serial child-killer who was recently executed and now roams the streets at night and kills people.  The real problem is that it’s a food truck.
  28. A food court restaurant that is an actual courtroom and you have to argue your case to be served food.  If you don’t win your case you can get up to three consecutive life sentences.
  29. A restaurant full of seagulls and Canadian geese.
  30. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  31. An Ice Cream Shop that only serves tuna salad.
  32. A restaurant that takes “home cooked meal” to the extreme and hires actors to play your parents who spend the entire meal arguing with each other and at the end of the meal they tell you they’re getting a divorce.
  33. A restaurant that thinks a salad is a raw head of cabbage.
  34. A restaurant that demands you do all of the cooking for your meal yourself.
  35. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Bad Hospital”.
  36. A restaurant full of pumas.
  37. A restaurant that serves terrible food and when you complain about it insists that you just don’t “get it”.
  38. A restaurant that serves all of its food out of flaming tires.
  39. A restaurant and a tattoo parlor where you can eat a philly cheese steak while getting a tattoo of a philly cheese steak (they only know how to do philly cheese steaks).
  40. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  41. A restaurant that decorates its interior with portraits of creepy little girls who watch you while you eat.
  42. A restaurant where everything is made of plexiglass and astroturf, even the food.
  43. A pizza place that makes its crust out of dead chickadees.
  44. A restaurant with a live mine field inside.
  45. A restaurant where everyone’s name is Tyler and all of the food is Tyler.
  46. A restaurant that decorates its interior with dead alligators with googly eyes.
  47. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Catholic School”
  48. A restaurant full of falcons.
  49. A restaurant where all of the salt has been replaced with Lye.
  50. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  51. A beachside restaurant that the ocean engulffs during high tide.
  52. A hot dog stand that serves batteries instead of hot dogs.
  53. A theme restaurant where the theme is “radio shack”.
  54. A restaurant where every hour minutes the chef runs out of the kitchen and screams “DEAR GOD I’VE KILLED THEM ALL!” before getting dragged to the back by a bunch of men in suits.  The next hour it’s a different chef.
  55. A restaurant that will mail your meal to you in 6 to 8 weeks.
  56. A dinner theater that has a grateful dead concert every night and it takes eight hours to eat one meal (though the longest it’s taken is a week to eat one meal).
  57. An old fashioned 1950’s diner with old fashioned 1950’s racism and sexism.  The worst part is that there’s a minor discrepancy on their jukebox where they have one song that was recorded in 1959 but wasn’t released until 1960. It’s disgusting.
  58. A trendy restaurant that glues beards on to all of their food.
  59. A restaurant full of stink beetles.
  60. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  61. A restaurant that only serves ketchup packets and milk cups.
  62. A fine dining establishment where the owner will dump molten gold on to patrons who aren’t wearing the right shoes.  Who decides what’s the right shoe and the wrong shoe? The owner, of course.
  63. A theme restaurant where the theme is “East Berlin”.
  64. A restaurant full of goats.
  65. A Barbeque restaurant that will slaughter a cow in front of you even if you order salad.
  66. A restaurant where you have sixty seconds to eat your meal.  If you fail, you explode, if you succeed you pay $8.95 and leave a generous tip.
  67. Damocles’: A restaurant where a sword is hanging over every seat by a thread that could snap at any moment.
  68. A restaurant where the waiter orders for you and then gets the order wrong.
  69. A restaurant that has such high turnaround in staff that people aren’t even sure if they work there or not. This include the manager, who may or may not be on their first day.
  70. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  71. A restaurant where everything is painted a neon orange: menus, seats, floors, ceilings, chairs, faces.
  72. A restaurant where you have to eat your meal in front of an upset gorilla.
  73. A restaurant whose menu consists of two items: 1)BACON GREASE and 2) FISH WATER.
  74. A theme restaurant where the theme is “White Snake Concert”.
  75. A restaurant full of deer ticks.
  76. A hot dog stand that will serve Hot. Dogs. Like a Pembroke welsh corgi that’s been in a car for an hour with the windows up.
  77. A seafood restaurant that doesn’t seem to know what a fish is.
  78. A restaurant that is an elaborate death trap that you have to navigate your way through.  They do, however, have the best sopapillas in town.
  79. A fine dining establishment that has all of its signage and menus written in Comic Sans.
  80. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  81. A Twin Peaks themed diner that has terrible cherry pie.
  82. A Steakhouse where all of the meals are named after your childhood pets.
  83. A restaurant full of mirrors, so that no matter where you look you’re forced to watch yourself eat.
  84. A restaurant that has an animatronic rat band sing songs by Andrew lloyd Webber out of key. The worse part is you’re expected to tip the robot band.
  85. A French Bakery that only serves Meat Pudding.
  86. An Irish Pub that only sells macarons.
  87. A restaurant that has only one employee who just wears different hats.  If you bring attention to it you are banned.
  88. A restaurant that insists everything tastes better with grape jelly and Worcestershire sauce.
  89. A restaurant where the only lighting is strobe lighting.
  90. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  91. A restaurant that will banish you to a cornfield if you don’t tip enough.
  92. A restaurant that lets all of its financial decisions be made by pre-teens.
  93. A sports bar that only plays CNN .
  94. A restaurant full of hungry, sleepy cats.
  95. A restaurant that you have to take a standardized test in order to get in.
  96. A restaurant where the waiters are required to nudge you and ask “Say, you want some steak with that butter?” even if you are not eating steak or using butter.
  97. A restaurant that will constantly judge you on how attractive and hip you are, and if you fail in either one of these criteria then the restaurant has the right to bring you to the back where you will never be seen or heard from again. It’s a Burger place called”Logan’s Buns”.
  98. A piano bar where every 78 minutes the Space Jam theme starts playing and people in Looney Tunes outfits come out and start gyrating their hips in people and stock broker’s food.
  99. An old timey saloon full of memorabilia from the “Terminator” movie series.
  100. A restaurant that combines all of the above, so… Applebees.

An Unhelpful Guide to the 2014 Blockbusters

Just when we thought we were safe, it’s Blockbuster season where we have to see every single super hero franchise and book adaptation lest we look like fools when talking about movies on the beach.  The problem with Blockbuster season, though, is that try as hard as you might you probably won’t be able to see all of the important ones.  Well, don’t worry, because I’m here to help you.  Below is a summary and a list of talking points for some of the most Blockbusting of the Blockbusters, so now you can work on your tan, talk about billion-budget movies, and still have time to go to the boardwalk arcade to play the whack-a-mole.

Godzilla (May 16)

The gargantuan Cat/Lizard Monster returns in this apparent re-imagining of the 1954 Gojira (and not the 1998 Godzilla).  The plot finds scientist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) diving into Tokyo with a military group in order to capture Godzilla for use as a biological weapon.  Unfortunately for Brody, the military group is seen by two miniscule guardians of Monster Island who unleash the dreaded Mothra and Gamera who get into an all-out fight in Nevada where all monsters were brought (Also signaling the battle between Nuclear, petroleum, and Environmental interests over the fate of our planet).  Also starring Ken Watanabe as Dr. Serizawa, and David “That Guy From Alphas” Strathairn as the Army Colonel.  Talking points for this movie: Who would win in a fight 1954 Godzilla or 1998 Godzilla (Answer: 1954 Godzilla. ALWAYS 1954 Godzilla)? Will the sequel involve Mechagodzilla or King Caesar?  Did you know that the 1998 Godzilla in the Godzilla canon is actually a separate Kaiju named Zilla?  At what point in this new series will Minilla show up?  Will the directors be able to create an interesting story using the more colloquially known Baby Godzilla? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Million Dollar Arm (May 16)

Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame plays a Sportsman who also wants to adopt three Indian children and make them into the family he never had (His father was a drunk and his Mother was afraid to stand up to him.  Sportsman’s brother has been in and our of prison, and his ex-wife hates his living guts).  Sportsman decides to build his new family with Baseball, forming a sexy bond with the sexy Lake Bell, and everything is going great until Sportsman gets his arm gnawed off by a rabid Baseball fan.  Desperate not to lose his family, Sportsman undergoes an experimental surgery to get a new robot prosthesis but soon realizes that this, dare I say it, Million Dollar Arm may have a mind of its own.  Adapted from a short story by Steven King.  Talking points: What’s your favorite Steven King adaptation: Maximum Overdrive or Creepshow 2?  Do you think the arm survived the volcano (Spoiler Alert)? Will Sportsman and his three children still be able to live a normal life?

X-Men: Days of Future Past (May 23)

Professor X and Magneto, having long put their differences aside, now hang out all the time in abandoned churches and talk to each other about the old times.  They take a wistful walk down memory lane as they remember when they were whacky young adult whose only worries were what bands their friends listened to and robots who were programmed for genocide.  Magneto remembers Mystique, who died in a horrific shape-shifting accident, and Professor X remembers Storm who now lives outside of Ottowa with her husband Gary (Gary is also a mutant. He controls corn chips with his mind. Only corn chips, not tortilla chips and not canned corn, just CORN. CHIPS). Wolverine then bursts into the church and flexes his muscles (this has long since become his favorite way of communicating). Professor X, Magneto, and Wolverine all have a good laugh and sigh: Why can’t things be easy like they were back then?  Eventually they all leave for their individual mutant bridge clubs and mutant golf games.  Talking points: Why does no one miss Toad? Does Magneto still have his mutant powers in the future despite having them taken away? Are we all just pretending X-Men: The Last Stand never happened (Because that would be OK)?  Is fate a constant circle, with any attempt to change the past only resulting in the creation of the very future we wished to change, or is it fluid and malleable with even the slightest change causing a ripple effect that would drastically alter what we knew as the present? What mutant would we rather be: Super-sexy shapeshifter or grizzled and tough Spike-hander?

Maleficent (May 30)

Surprise! Maleficent of Sleeping Beauty fame has a dark and gritty origin story!  Angelina Jolie stars at the titular villain, or should I say misunderstood anti-hero, with Juno Temple playing the heroic fairy, or should I say power-hungry and secretly evil fairy, Thistlewit.  Maleficent used to be a fairy, see, but she was banished from the fairy kingdom because she was really powerful and wanted to use her fairy powers to change the status quo and upset the fairy balance, and Thistlewit couldn’t allow that so she cast Maleficent to the Crowsland to raise Spike-bushes.  So, naturally, Maleficent decides that the only way to get revenge is to curse the young Aurora (Elle Fanning) to sleep for 1000 years.  But not in an evil way, just in a dark and misunderstood way.  Talking points: So, wait, is Maleficent evil? I liked the movie, but I thought it could have been darker and grittier.  When can we expect the dark re-telling of Bambi wherein Bambi is actually a cursed sexy girl and the hunter is trying to feed his family, and the real villain is Thumper who is actually some sort of rabbit-daemon?

Edge of Tomorrow (June 16)

A Before Sunset-esque exploration of characters starring Tom Cruise as “Bill” and Emily Blunt as “Rita” as they walk around, in real time, through the deserted avenues of a film set talking about their career choices and what they regret until Midnight when they need to begin filming a sci-fi action scene.  Cruise and Blunt are rumored to be the Oscar hopefuls this year thanks to their stunningly honest performances here, and for those who are just going into the movie for Tom Cruise we will get to see him in a green screen suit for the first part of the movie (Emily Blunt will only be in heavy Alien make-up and that’s only the last ten minutes, I think).  Talking points for this movie: Is Tom Cruise really that bad, or is he just misguided and misunderstood?  I’m already looking forward to the next installment, ten years down the road, called Dawn of Today, are you? What movie were they making in the background, the effects looked really cool and I liked that the aliens were like people except alien?

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 13)

How to Train Your Dragon 2: Train Harder takes place some five years after the first Viking/Dragon movie in the popular Dreamworks franchise.  In this next installment Hiccup meets his long-lost mother Valka who keeps a dragon sanctuary in the Hinterlands.  Hiccup goes through some character growth with the help of Toothless, his dragon, the love plot between Hiccup and Ruffnutt (Kirstin Wiig) continues to inch along, and there’s some guy named Drago Bludvist who wants to enslave all dragons to use as weapons and take over the world.  Hiccup must put aside his abandonment issues with his mother to save man and dragonkind, and he’ll ultimately realize that even though his heretofore father Eret wasn’t his father by blood he is his father in soul.  Talking Points: Was this a good extension of one of the few good Dreamworks franchises?  What was your favorite Dragon?  Will you return for How to Train Your Dragon 3: Rise of the Dragonkin?  On a scale of 1 to fanfiction, how cool would it be is How to Train Your Dragon crossed over with Game of Thrones?

Jersey Boys (June 20)

Jersey Boys, or “Joisey Bois” as it is also known as, is about the formation of The Four Seasons, or Franky Valli and the Four Seasons as it is also known as.  These four friends apparently started by robbing banks, but then they decided to sing underneath a streetlight and then they became a rock group.  Franky Valli, however, had other plans. Franky wanted to knock Vino and Tommy out of the Seasons so he could get the whole enchilada for himself.  ‘Course he couldn’t knock anyone out, not with Gyp watchin’, which is how he came to play on the Ed Sullivan show.  Unfortunately for Franky when he’s about to make his big move when Gyp’s talkin’ to Eddy Sully he notices that Tommy and Bobby sold him out.  Now he’s out in the wild with a price on his head, fans want him, the mob wants him, Rock n’ Roll wants him, and Franky’s got one night left for everything to catch up to him. Talking Points: Have you been to New Jersey? What’s your favorite part of New Jersey? Why aren’t you living in New Jersey?  Why didn’t Christopher Walken get to tap dance? Does that have something to do with new Jersey?

Transformers: Age of Extinction (June 27)

Michael Bay continues his story about robots and explosions.  This time the robots are also dinosaurs who are also trucks. But not every truck is a dinosaur and not every robot is a truck.  But every robot is a dinosaur, or at least every robot has the ability to become a dinosaur if they don’t want to be a robot or a truck.  Oh, and because they’re truck/robot/dinosaurs they can also explode. Like, REALLY explode, just KA-BOOM. Because instead of blood they probably have gasoline. Oh wait, except that they’re from a robot/dinosaur/truck planet so it’s probably something like Paladium. Which would mean an even BIGGER explosion.  Mark Whalberg will also be there as a mechanic who is working on a truck that, surprise, ends up being a robot (We’re not yet sure if it’s a dinosaur, I think that’ll be the big mid-movie turning point). Talking points for this movie: Did you see the twist coming where the main robot turned into a dinosaur? Do you ever wish your truck was a robot?  Was the movie really the same without Shia LeBeouf’s central character as “That guy who isn’t a robot and isn’t a truck and therefore can’t possibly be a dinosaur because that would be silly”?

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (July 11)

As humans and apes recover from a deadly simian flu, the settling apes and native humans are forced to take sides.  This delicate balance is further threatened when Dreyfus (played by the myth Gary Oldman) finds an ape village co-governed by the Ape Caesar and Malcolm (Jason Clarke), a man who was raised as an Ape. Dreyfus tries to get Malcolm to fight back against the apes, but instead Malcolm is smitten by native Human Ellie (Teri Russel) and decides to care for her and her frail sister as they travel through the oft-dangerous ape country to find their father.  Caesar joins Malcolm, Ellie, and Dreyfus on their quest to the human village, though his intentions may not be entirely beneficial to either party as it turns out that Caesar is sneaking away to an encampment of bipedal cats who also wish to take over North America.  As all parties converge on Dreyfus’ encampment and the future of Man, Ape, and Catkind is forever changed, and Malcolm may have to go against his pacifistic vow he took when he became an ape-priest.  Talking points for this movie: Was that Paul Giamatti as the Orangutan again?  So… were the apes native Americans or invading colonists?  WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE DR. ZEUS?

Jupiter Ascending (July 18)

The Wachowski Siblings, creators of The Matrix trilogy, Cloud Atlas, and Speed Racer, didn’t get the summer blockbuster memo and made this original screenplay about a Janitor (Mila Kunis) named Jupiter Jones who finds out that she is the rightful owner of Earth (Not Jupiter as her name erroneously suggests).  Channing tatum co-stars as love interest/bodyguard “Caine” and Sean Bean co-stars as “Some Guy Who Dies”.  Plot details are a bit scarce, but it seems the The Queen of the Universe needs to control Earth in order to actually be the Queen of the Universe, and the only way to get Earth’s electoral votes is to kill Jupiter (I expect there to be a five minute scene going through the political theory of universal electorates, but I would settle for Sean Bean throwing up his arms screaming “I don’ care how elections work, I just wan’ my motocycle” before getting shot).  Talking points for this movie: How were the effects? Was the story imaginative, though ultimately flawed? Why would Earth be the only Planet standing in the way of someone named “The Queen of the Universe”, isn’t 14+ Billion Light Years of ruling territory enough to just say our tiny blue rock is under her control? I was surprised by how long Sean Bean lived in that movie before getting eaten by that Martian Ice-Wyrm.  Really, how were the effects?

Planes: Fire and Rescue (July 18)

Disney Exec. 1: “Okay, do you remember that spinoff franchise Planes that was based off of the least popular of the Pixar films?”
Disney Exec. 2: “Was that A Bug’s Life?”
DE1: “No, Planes”
DE2: “And What was that one about?”
DE1: “Planes. I think they raced or something. And there was a Crop Duster and it was all inspirational.”
DE2: “So… what you want to make the Crop Duster an international spy now?”
DE1: “No. A Firefighter. ‘Cause, like, that’s who the real heroes are or whatever.”
DE2: “I’m not so sure about this…”
DE1: “Well, there are also going to be tiny cars inside of the planes who help stop the fires. And, maybe one plane will fall in love with another plane? And… um… I mean it’ll have fire and planes. Fire and Planes”.
DE2: “SOLD”.

Talking Points: Do the planes know they have tiny cars inside of them? Is the villain of this movie the fire, or is it self-doubt, or is it an evil fire-starting plane? When can we expect “Ships” to come out, and as a follow-up question how long will it take for the internet to make sex fantasy drawings of those ships having sex with the cars while the planes watch? Or would this all be happening inside of the plane?

Hercules (July 25)

Dwanye Johnson stars as the titular character of Hercules, muscle-bound weirdo who is one of literally thousands of bastard-sons of Zeus.  But Hercules is special because he’s got muscles, which also makes him scream a lot (think about it: Even with super strength it takes a lot of strain to move those hulking muscles around).  This movie takes place after Hercules has successfully accomplished the twelve trials (most of them were stealing), and now he wanders around Greece fighting more monsters because that’s what he does because he’s mother f-ing HERCULES GRRAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  John Hurt of Doctor Who fame plays some Greek King who isn’t Hercules and he probably has a daughter who Hercules tries to fall in love with only to realize that he already has the only relationship that counts: The one between Hercules and Hercules.  Talking points for this movie: Did you see Hercules punch that monster?  What do you think Hercules could bench? How many protein shakes do you think Hercules could down?

Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1)

A bunch of assholes who call themselves The Guardians of the Galaxy find themselves fighting some kind of Space King in Space.  The Space King wants magic crystals that aren’t magic just really futuristic and technological because having magical crystals would be ridiculous. The Guardians include Space Raccoon, Tree-man, The Red Hulk, Sexy Green, and Star Lord the lord of Stars.  John C. Reilly co-stars as one of the few sane people in this universe who realizes that the magic of the rocks is inside of us all along (sadly, Reilly’s character will die at the turning point of the film).   The Guardians will also likely set up the next Avengers movie, so expect the magic stone to combine together into a magic staff and that magic staff to break into seven magic pieces that will scatter across the galaxy, and for one of those magic seven pieces to fall into the magically robotic hands of Tony “Iron Man” Stark. Talking points: Will Rocket Raccoon now be a part of The Avengers?  I’m happy that John C. Reilly was resurrected with the magic resurrection stone, but is he now under the control of the evil Deathlord Darkmatter?  Was that Ant-Man at the end?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (August 8)

A City, we’ll say New York, is in trouble. Things are falling over and catching on fire.  Thank God that seventeen years ago a group of four little turtles were exposed to highly radioactive waste and then taken in and trained by a rat who was also exposed to radioactive waste and now all them form a subterranean family that are, dare we say, “heroes in a half shell”.  These guys who are totally green will be facing off against Shredder (because we need to get some table setting done before we can meet Baxter Stockman or Beebop and Rocksteady), who is probably responsible for dumping all of that nuclear waste into the sewers and thereby creating these pizza-eating teens (though in this newer, grimmer version it may be that they don’t eat pizza all the time).  The central plot that doesn’t revolve around the CGI turtles jumping around and fighting will probably have to do with the turtles feeling like outsiders in the world they protect and how the only thing that would make their life more difficult would be if they had to go to High School (Record Scratch: Next movie they’re going to high school!).  Talking points for this movie: Seriously, when are we going to get a big-screen version of Baxter Stockman? At what point in the movie will Casey Jones be hinted at?  What do you value the property damage for this movie at?  How many counts of the heroes saying “Turtle Power” were there?

The Expendables 3 (August 15)

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kellen Lutz, Terry Cews, Ronda Rousey, Kelsey Grammer, Natalie Burn, Robert Davi, Sarai Givaty, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Lisbeth Olafsson, Velizar Bilev, Thomas Canestraro, Slavi Slavov, Harry Anichkin, Anton Poriazov, Tzvetislav Samardijev, and special appearance by Randy Couture as Toll Road.  All of these people fight. All of these people die. All of these people are… EXPENDABLE.  Talking Points for this movie: Who would like to see in Expendables 4? I’m thinking Vin Diesel, Shia LeBeouf, Van Damme really has to return, Al Pacino, Robert Redford, Liam Neeson, Dame Judi Dench, Tony Jaa, Kurt Thomas of Gymkata fame, and archive footage of Bruce Lee.  Also, when will there be an animated series of The Expendables?  Are there Expendables action figures yet, because we need to get on that.  What is the difference between The Expendables and GI-Joe?  Oh, I forgot Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but I want to see that guy in every movie.  We definitely need to smell what the rock is cooking in The Expendables 4.

Frank Miller’s Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (August 22)

Women are objects in this sequel to 2005’s Sin City.  Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke return as John and Marv, respectively, who speak in gruff voices and shoot guns.  These two real hard-boiled guys take it on themselves to lay claim to Breasts with Legs Eva Green, Jaime King, and Alexa PenaVega.  Men gamble and eat cigars, women have sex, and everybody drives cars and stuff.  Meanwhile Joseph Gordon-Leavitt shows up and, over the course of the movie, we find out that he too shoots a gun and drives a car.  Also, somebody has gold eyes and another somebody wears glowing glasses who isn’t Elisha Wood. Talking points for this movie: What needlessly stylistic choice was your favorite? Would you want your one colored feature to accentuate your breasts, hips, or butt? Which was the better Robert Rodriguez film, this or Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3D?

From the Depths of the Internet: Bacon Pancakes

Technically it’s Bacon Pancakes superimposed on top of that New York song that was popular for a while.  Regardless, I’ve listened to this for about twenty minutes straight (and that’s only in this sitting) and I still can’t for the life of me figure out what the adventure dog is doing.  I also can’t figure out what comes after “New York”. Maybe you can after listening to the entire ten hours.  You’re welcome.

Bacon Pancakes x New York on YouTube

Tales from SPAM!

Like all webpages, I get plenty of Spam.  I believe I’ve already filtered out around 800 spam comments (despite only being up and running for a few months), and nearly 99% of all comments on The Great and Powerful Henceblog are Spam comments.  As such, every morning I go through my trash folder to make sure every comment is Spam and not an offer to give me 80,000 diamonds.  Here are some of my favorite Spams I’ve come across, some are direct quotes, some summaries, some reactions. Enjoy?

-Many people have offered their sincerest thanks as to my inclusion of my important thoughts and feelings on the now-defunct Terms of Use page.

-One Spam thought that I could really spice up my page layout by adding in some stock pictures from a funeral home.

-One simply told of a person who was trained in martial arts by David Carradine while simultaneously studying with the Marx Brothers and loving country music.

– “Sex Fuck Francais Cul”

-The middle-aged aunt said: “I this is not a clue? Is it right? Will give me to write a letter of praise what? ”

-Here’s a nice, long conspiracy spam poem:

“And this spake he because nervous stammer especially powerful, a few words say so loud, I heard worse, busy covering his mouth. Let him not excited, at the same time ears side reaction, but already late, there suddenly fell silent, apparently has been found near the same.
King Boss see my face uncertain, said to me: ‘You do these things, sooner or later, you and I said, I have some not know what in the bamboo slips, you know what? Summer to business history how long we all understand, why so long, do you know why? Because of the lack of historical records! My several bamboo slips, the Western Han Dynasty, as ancient scientists wrote, he said that summer to providers, there may well be a dynasty, but do not know why, no records, you see such an important thing in history, can be completely disappear, a strange nation disappeared again what’s strange?’ Then he patted me, so I don’t want to have a look, then, the amber resin cocoon is… what?
We carried the sun and go for about an hour, the day is getting dark, suddenly found in front of a rhizotomist wooden shack. The old itch pushed open the door and went inside, turned to me and said: ‘Look, here’s hearth, this evening we can eat hot’.
He said was true; I was listening to a heartbeat but, on second thought, he is armed with weapons.  What also to find me? It is not paved stalls let people to make money? There must be a conspiracy: they wander about heart is too deep, you look cool touts followed us here is a flatter face, find opportunity soon brought him turn from a guest into a host, we are not against, compared to them, we are really too tender, they find me, there must be something on purpose.
I think for a minute, don’t know why I feel not good. King Boss seemed to have a well-thought-out plan, the person familiar with all kinds of strange things, and he already knows what’s under, and are going to get. Think about the old itch said things to me, not by also can not be reconciled thus fell into his hands, one hand on the busy short handle knife, followed him slide down.
I lost the support, all the weight back to my hand suddenly did not catch on, straight fall more than one meter, hold a prominent bronze busy branches to stop body, looked up, he saw the monster ‘s face was completely broken apart into a small piece of a small piece of white debris, like Naipi same began to fall off.
I suddenly wake up, terrified look on his face, and said: ‘You mean, on top of the coffin chamber, once had a corpse? So long the coffin of banyan tree root, it cannot wanton growth?’
According to the principle, to see the statue’s face is not difficult, but we are up to look, no matter where you go, because of the angle of the relation is still not clear, my heart troubles for the statue of the ominous feeling more and more strong.
This time, causing the trouble head Zhang Qiling was deeply furrowed brow, he looks better than anyone: had seen carefully the ancient stone stone carving”.

This story was apparently meant to sell shoes.

-One spammer thought it apt to tell me about his great vest in the most perfect shade of bubblegum. It’s an “airy cropped pullover” that makes a laid-back look.

-I was finally noticed by the spam site “Bed Bug Symptoms”, which thanked me for writing about such valuable information.

-Jones Sabo the Police Policeman with Regard to the Hit told me that it’s time to make some plans for the future and be happy.

-A Christian shoes salesman was given a free lunch just for reading my blog.

-I’m pretty sure someone told me how to smuggle goods into Tokyo.  Apparently, it all depends on the shape of the seals you use in your forms.  The Tokyo government only looks at documents with a square shape (at least I think, this was all written in Japanese, so I’m depending on Google Translate to figure this out).

-This isn’t quite a haiku, but I feel like it’s the closest thing a Spammer comes to making poetry:

At best you are able to Twitter away
Being a songbird.  To plan an itinerary for this may
Well lead to late actions. Of these, the red ones are used in night hours as is also not afflicted with other rays
Of light within the surrounding areas.

– My location is valuable to someone? My location? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU SELLING BAGS?

– “Thank you so much for all of your kindness and great support! Please bear with me patiently as I’m trying my very best in getting caught up in featuring Each one of You INDIVIDUALLY along with your fabulous lenses. I also wish to include each one of you in my quizzes just like what I’ve done with other other Squid Angels above. Pardon me for being so behind in doing so. With all my heart, thank you very much for taking my quizzes! On behalf of all the JENNIFERS in Hollywood and all over the world, Thanks for staying fabulous just the way you are! God bless you all!!!”

– People have searched a long time to get the information in my Main Page, so mainly that this is The Great and Powerful Henceblog.

– One Spammer was very honest to point out that I’m really whiny and I could easily fix all of my problems if I weren’t so busy looking for attention. It really is good advice.

– This is a comment from “Hair Chalk”: “Great paintings! That is the type of information that should be shared around the net. Disgrace on Google for now not positioning this submit upper! Come on over and discuss with my website . Thank you =)”.  You’re very Welcome, Hair, and it is a disgrace. I’ll certainly come over to discuss it at your website: Which looks to be literally about Hair chalk. That’s… you’re a strange one, Hair, a very strange one.  Although, you also apparently had troubles viewing pictures.  Hair Chalk: Are you a regular reader?

-Christian clothing is becoming more popular for “… boys that often have a touch of the demon in them”.  That… that is some news.

Rattler

I decided to start small with script-only projects that I’ll be putting up on the Henceblog.  While I was looking through my archives, I came across this one: Rattler.  It’s a story about a struggling rattlesnake farmer, and his problems with the rattlesnake inspector.  It’s a good script, and would make for an interesting short film, but as of right now I haven’t the resources or budget to make it.  So here you go, Internet, enjoy and let me know what you think of it.

RATTLER (2010)

Also, please remember that this is copyrighted by me, Vincent Gagnepain.  If you would like to use this in any way, please contact me.

Pig Death Machine

Recently the Chicago Underground Film Festival was put on at the Logan theater, and among other things the newest film by Underground Low-Fi filmmaker Jon Moritsugu premiered titled “Pig Death Machine”.  This film, as well as his near 11 other underground films, won him the Lifetime achievement award (which is well deserved, and I suggest you all check out his work.  It’s bizarre, and the type of wonderfully insane and low-fi work that can only come out of an extreme love for the craft of filmmaking).  But why bring this up?  Because I was the art director for “Pig Death Machine”. And This is my Story.

Pig Death Machine on YouTube

It was the summer of 2010.  I was just about to begin my senior year of college and I was planning on taking a trip back to Colorado to see friends and the like before beginning. Then I got a call from the internship director at CSF/SFUAD who told me that Jon would be making his next film (which came after nearly a decade away from filmmaking) in Santa Fe and he was looking for an art director.  I decided to give it a chance and read the script, after all I wanted more work in the art department, and the idea that I would be the art director on a feature film instead of a mere intern was enticing.

Once I read the script, I knew I had to do it.  It’s a nutso piece about raw pork, and plants, and people going insane from eating raw pork and looking at plants, and if you know two cents about me you know this is right up my alley.

Vvinni on the Set of Pig Death Machine
Another plus was that I got to make fake cocaine. A LOT of fake cocaine.

The biggest part of being the art director on Pig Death Machine was figuring out how to make the raw pork that the protagonists eat to get higher IQ levels.  The problem was not only in making edible and gross-looking raw pork, but it also had to be completely vegetarian.  After a bit of thinking I came to a solution: Seitan. After some tests with my art department, we figured out that Seitan actually takes food dye rather well and when suspended in red juice looks an awful lot like chunks of gross, bloody meat. This was FANTASTIC news!

A still from the film "Pig Death Machine"
This is actually a cut of raw bloody fake meat, I thought I had some chunks but I can’t seem to find them anymore.
This girl does NOT like lettuce!
Another still: This one of a woman who begins to hear plants talk and this head of lettuce SCREAM!
Behind the scenes on the set of Pig Death Machine
Behind the scenes in a greenhouse showdown location.

Some of the other set decoration I had to do was create the living space for a woman who likes plants more than people, turn a dog washing clinic into a meat warehouse (I don’t have any stills from that, unfortunately, but let’s just say we used a lot of boxes), and create an Old Mexican drug haven in most exploitative way I could (if you ever get a chance to see the film, keep your eyes peeled for a cactus taped to the walls).  Finally, I also had the chance to create the brand identity of the meat supplier who looses this horrific raw hell unto the world. This was The Meat Center:

The fake logo for a fake meat place.
Cuts of pork and Helvetica. Industrial.

Also there were these labels to put onto boxes:

Lickin' Pete'sLes Rogatons LabelTMC LabelAnd, although it never made it into the film (and granted, it needed a bit more touching to work) there was the logo for a fake farm where the evil hell smartpork was harvested:

Hayman Farms

As I hope I’ve made abundantly clear, this was a fantastic project to be a part of and please keep your eyes open for it in a theater near you (I heard that it may be getting a European Tour, so watch out Paris and Minsk!), and I’ll certainly let my seven readers know when Pig Death Machine is available online.