As we all know, there’s a thousand year-old fire demon living beneath the Earth’s surface, and the only way to keep it from waking up and destroying our world is to have the best of the silver screen throw tiny gold-plated statues into a volcano. Hence: OSCAR SEASON. So, to make sure that we all vote right and get the correct people to throw their statues and appease the fire demon (if we get it wrong, then that’s it: no more Earth), I’ve compiled together this list of the nominees from the only three categories that matter: Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Sound Mixing. I’ve also included a rating, and the film’s chances of winning. You’re welcome, people of Earth. You’re welcome.
Birdman
Nominated for all three! I hope they make a stage musical of this soon, so that it can also sweep the Tonys and the Grammys, and then make a TV show based on the musical so it can win an Emmy, and then make a movie based on the TV show based on the stage musical based on the movie so they can win the Oscars all over again and achieve Nirvana.
The gritty reboot of the Hanna-Barbara cartoon, Michael Keaton stars as Ray Randall who is given powers by the sun god Ra in order to fight the nefarious Number One (Zach Galifianakis) and F.E.A.R as they attempt to take over a satellite and use it to spread a suffocating purple fog over the world. [SPOILER ALERT] One of the additions to this film is a more fleshed out character for Number One whose daughter was killed by suffocation in a car (he refuses to admit it was suicide, he’d only blame himself). Also, Keaton does a superb job at bringing in a real sense of doubt to Randall and Birdman as he discovers that sometimes the world doesn’t need a superman, they need a superBIRD. I’m already looking forward to the teased sequel where we’ll meet Birdgirl (Emma Stone) and the Deadly Duplicator (Edward Norton), who has a pre-supervillain role here. I give it 40 episodes and an Adult Swim spinoff. Chances of winning: 190%
Boyhood
For Best Picture and Best Director (If they got Hans Zimmer for the score, they would have swept Sound Mixing).
Filmed over twelve years by director Richard Linklater, Boyhood follows young Mason (Eliar Coltrane) as he goes through all the steps of growing up: Playing with toys alone in your room, going to water parks, being really awkward and sweaty in Jr. High, throwing up at your cousins wedding, rushing to the emergency room because you got your arm stuck inside a tree and had to twist it out, going to the emergency room because you got your arm stuck inside a bicycle and had to twist it out, learning how to drive, going to the emergency room because you locked your keys in the car so you decided to try and smash the window with your head, trying out for the boys basketball team, having everyone on the boys basketball team laugh at you and call you “Gaggle Pen”, throwing up in front of the entire boys basketball team, going to the hospital for throwing up a whole bunch in front of the boys basketball team, being really quiet and awkward at another cousins wedding, having your entire family ask you why you’re not having at the wedding, playing trumpet in Jr. High, playing trumpet in High School and not really being that great at it, going to homecoming and standing around and being awkward, having everyone ask you why your not having fun at homecoming, throwing up at homecoming, going to the hospital because you really shouldn’t be this queasy sweaty and awkward. Most importantly, though, it’s about eating cereal. And discovering that you throw up when you’re nervous. I give it 5 to 18 stars depending on where in the movie it is. Chances of winning: 111%
The Grand Budapest Hotel
For Best Picture and Best Director
Between the world wars a scarred soldier (Willem Dafoe) searches for the art thief who not only stole a priceless painting but also his fingers years before. When the soldier find the now older thief (Ralph Fiennes) he discovers that the art thief now owns a humble hotel in the mountains and only wishes to be left alone with a child he adopted at a young age (Tony Revolori). Will the thief find redemption? Will the Soldier get his revenge? What does it mean to be a good person? These are the questions asked in this harrowing drama. I give it 21 years and a thousand guests. It’s chances of winning? 301%.
The Imitation Game
For Best Picture and Best Director
Chester Carlson (Benedict Cumberbatch) works at a patent office in New York city during the depression while being a part-time researcher and inventor on the side. Carlson’s job required him to write endless copies of the same form, which inflamed his arthritis, and so he set out to do the impossible: To create a machine that would be able to make copies, imitations, from one original document. Ending in 1949 with the creation of the Xerox corporation and the first Xenographic device (photocopiers, as they’re now known), this film explores how the dreams of one man, no matter how small those dreams may seem, can still change history. Jack Bannon co-stars as the head of the Haloid Corporation, the company that finally gave Carlson’s dream a chance. I give it 159,000,000,000,000,000,000 possibilities. Chances of winning: 1420%
Whiplash
For Best Picture and Best Sound Mixing
A fish-out-of-water comedy about a talented street drummer from Harlem (Nick Cannon) who enrolls in a Southern university, expecting to lead its marching band’s drumline to victory. He initially flounders in his new world, before realizing that it takes more than talent to reach the top. There is a small sub-plot where the director of the number one band attempts to “bribe” Devon to switch schools and come play for him. I give it 5.6 stars. Chances of winning: 108%
American Sniper
For Best Picture and Best Sound Mixing
Bradley Cooper is Kyle, a sarcastic cynic who is traveling throughout Europe. In London he gets really close to the guards at Buckingham palace and whispers “Farts and Boobs” then proceeds to yell, supposedly to “That Queen”, that “the food in this place stinks”. In Paris he throws cheese at people and tries track down Nicolas Sarkozy (who hasn’t been president for two years) to tell him that he looks like a frog in a suit. In Germany he says Coors Light is better, in Belgium he says Hershey’s has an easier to pronounce name, in Luxembourg he is somehow able to meet with Prime Minister Xavier Bettel (who plays himself!) what follows is a five minute insult monologue from Cooper. At the end, Bettel sighs and says “I’m so sick of you Americans and your constant sniping”. I give it 26 medals. Chances of winning: 141%.
Foxcatcher
For Best Director
That guy from the office has grey hair! And he wears all these sweatshirts, and he owns a club or something. Really I was just thinking about The Office the whole time. Remember when Jim looked at the camera? THAT WAS HILARIOUS! And what about when Dwight talked about living on the farm? I really wish they explored his spin-off more, it could have been really funny I think if they did it right. I mean, maybe that episode wasn’t that great, but it could have been really funny. Oh, and Toby! Man, this film would have been great if Toby just showed up halfway through and Micheal was all “It’s Toby! What are you doing here? Being boring? Yeah that’s what I bet”, and Toby’s just really nice about it. Anyways, I think there might be some kind of death cult in this movie. I give it seven stars, for how many seasons “The Farm” should have gotten. Chances of winning: 89%
Interstellar
For Best Sound Mixing
BRAAAAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. POOM POOM POOM BRAAAAAAAAAAHM. shooshooshooSHOOSHOOshooshoo BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. ohnoplanets BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZMEYOOOR! PEWPEWPEW YOyoYOyoYOOOOO. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. wwwwwwHOOOOSH shooo SHOOOOwhoooosh SPLOOOSHswishswish clackclackclackCLICK BARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM thisplanetstoowet BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM time! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. oooooOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZzzzap clawclawcrewcrow BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM beep. beeep. beep. BOOP. BRAAAAAAAHM thisplanetstoocold. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM ZIPCRACKLEWHETWHET BRAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. This planet’s juuuuuuuust right! I give this film three planets and the infinite expanse of time. Chances of winning: BRAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAHM.
Unbroken
For Best Sound Mixing
A young couple gets a new puppy. One day the wife (Maddalena Ischiale), who works as an ad exec in downtown Chicago, comes home to find that the puppy has wet the carpet. “What?! Isn’t this puppy house-trained?” she asks her stay-at-home-and-play-video-games husband (Finn Wittrock). “No.” Says the husband, “This puppy is unbroken“. I give it a rating of 47 days. Chances of winning: 167%.
Selma
For Best Picture
There was a guy named Martin Luther King Jr. He made a bunch of people walk around. Some guy writes his name on a paper. I guess it’s cool if you like walking. I give it 525 to 600 stars. Chances of winning: 275%
WHO WILL WIN:
Best Picture: Grand Hotel
Best Director: Frank Borzage for Bad Girl
Best Sound Mixing: Paramount Publix Studio Sound Department and She Done Him Wrong
