Tag Archives: Birdbirdbird

K for Kazigu and L for Lanasaul

This month it’s two stories about good intentions gone horribly wrong, and also two stories looking into that all-consuming question: Why?

The first is about Kazigu, and another trip to Zard.  I had a lot of other Zard stories planned, but I’m getting tired of going back here so next month’s will probably be the last for a long time.  But for now, we meet Kazigu: The Heat-frog!

K for Kazigu

Then we come to Lanasaul: The Disaster river.  We get some alternate history of Chicago here, as well as a bit more of a glimpse into Hedgegrove and the Narrator.  Though not really.

L for Lanasaul

 

150 Pokémon

 

  1. Chardinal: The Vegetable-Bird Pokemon
  2. Awrengula: The Salad-Bird Pokemon
  3. Cukale: The Super-green Pokemon
  4. Lavra: The Magma-worm Pokemon
  5. Coalcoon: The charred cocoon Pokemon
  6. Mothma: The Moth-to-a-flame Pokemon
  7. Shrimptide!: The Just-a-shrimp Pokemon
  8. Prawnwave!: The Just-a-Prawn Pokemon
  9. Lobstrodon!: The Lobster-dragon Pokemon
  10. Nimphie: The Nymph Pokemon
  11. Exuviber: The Worm-in-the-stone Pokemon
  12. Dagronflee: The Dragonfly Pokemon
  13. Meggit: The Gross Pokemon
  14. Poopuh: The Hidden Pokemon
  15. Flyhammer: The Noisy Fly Pokemon
  16. Maggi: The Magpie Pokemon
  17. Magpol: The Collection Pokemon
  18. Magthief: The Shiny Thief Pokemon

Starters

  1. Rattaboy: The Cowboy-Mouse Pokemon
  2. Sherrat: The Cowboy-Universe Pokemon
  3. Filletven: The Sharp-billed Pokemon
  4. Terraven: The Fear-Monger Pokemon
  5. Retrag: The Harmless Snake Pokemon
  6. Relttar: The Harmful Snake Pokemon
  7. Primechu: The Crossover Pokemon
  8. Omegachu: The Coming-Storm Pokemon
  9. Dustshrew: The Cowboy-Mouse Pokemon
  10. Outshrew: The Outlaw-Cowboy Pokemon
  11. Echmy: The Spiny Rat Pokemon
  12. Bizarech: The Bizarro-Echmy Pokemon
  13. Echmevil: The Evil Echmy Pokemon
  14. Echsteel: The Robot Echmy Pokemon
  15. Grichmy: The  Dark Echmy Pokemon
  16. Myche: The Sideways Echmy Pokemon
  17. Trefairy: The Dark Fairy Pokemon
  18. Trefable: The Grim Fairy Pokemon

Flykemon

  1. Bubblemander: The Inverse-Charmander Pokemon
  2. Bubbmeleon: The Inverse-Charmeleon Pokemon
  3. Bubblizard: The Inverse-Charizard Pokemon
  4. Jujupu: The Weirdly-Omnipresent Pokemon
  5. Boobat: The Cave-Bat Pokemon
  6. Bloodbat: The Super-bat Pokemon
  7. Weirdtato: The Strange-Potato Pokemon
  8. Sadanum: The Wild-Potato Pokemon
  9. Spuddle: The Super-Potato Pokemon
  10. Proras: The Hero-Paras Pokemon
  11. Paramore: The Great-Parasect Pokemon
  12. Nosquito: The Mosquito Pokemon
  13. Moresquito: The Greater Mosquito Pokemon
  14. Primelet: The Primal Diglett Pokemon
  15. Dugmega: The Last Diglett Pokemon
  16. Sparkasaur: The Fire-Bulbasaur Pokemon
  17. Embersaur: The Fire-Ivysaur Pokemon
  18. Infernosaur: The Fire-Venusaur Pokemon

Bulbasaurs

  1. Purpoot: The Coot Psychic Pokemon
  2. Tomoren: The Mustache-Monkey Pokemon
  3. Tomoroon: The Mustache-Fighter Pokemon
  4. Sailorkie: The Ship-Dog Pokemon
  5. Schipperie: The Captain-Dog Pokemon
  6. Toadpool: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  7. Toadwhirl: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  8. Toadwrath: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  9. Smoken: The Illusion Pokemon
  10. Meer: The Illusion Pokemon
  11. Alakazaar: The Traveller Pokemon
  12. Hitguy: The Hitting Pokemon
  13. Punchman: The Punching Pokemon
  14. Pummeldude: The Pummeling Pokemon
  15. Belligari: The Expressionist-Flower Pokemon
  16. Nosferbell: The Expressionist-Flycather Pokemon
  17. Laughinbell: The Expressionist-Flycatcher Pokemon
  18. Tendrang: The Gloomy Jellyfish Pokemon

Echm1

  1. Tendoom: The Man-of-War Pokemon
  2. Plebble: The Pebble Pokemon
  3. Stonelyte: The Stone Pokemon
  4. Bouldord: The Living Boulder Pokemon
  5. Sproutle: The Grass-Squirtle Pokemon
  6. Growtortle: The Grass-Wartortle Pokemon
  7. Grasstoise: The Grass-Blastoise Pokemon
  8. Slowrant: The Tyrant Pokemon
  9. Lazor: The Cyber Universe Pokemon
  10. Cybor: The Cyber Universe Pokemon
  11. Bizz’r: The Bizarro-Farfetch’d Pokemon
  12. Kiwone: The Singularity Bird Pokemon
  13. Doomdrio: The Evil Bird Pokemon
  14. Slodge: The Toxic Pokemon
  15. Slodgarro: The Bizarro-Slodge Pokemon
  16. Slumdge: The Dark-Slodge Pokemon
  17. Slydg: The Cyber-Slodge Pokemon
  18. Eglods: The Sideways-Slodge Pokemon
  19. Kokodgomon: Slodge-616 Pokemon

Echm2

  1. Ghoosty: The Spooky Pokemon
  2. Ghoolie: The Spooky Pokemon
  3. Bumpsenite: The Spookiest Pokemon
  4. Luminix: The Light-Worm Pokemon
  5. Wisper: The Sideways-Haunter Pokemon
  6. Goodgar: The Benevolent Gengar Pokemon
  7. Crabtain: The Pirate-Crab Pokemon
  8. Voltblade: The Electric Pirate Pokemon
  9. Atomicor: The Destroyer Pokemon
  10. Atomicull: The Destroyer Pokemon
  11. Eggspert: The Brilliant Egg Pokemon
  12. Moonsprout: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  13. Shadeleaf: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  14. Skullcapp: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  15. Sasalomon: The Universe 616 Pokemon
  16. Wawa: The Mouth Pokemon
  17. Blabla: The Talking Pokemon
  18. Arsick: The Food Poisoning Pokemon
  19. Ollace: The Poisoned Pokemon

Jujupu

  1. Rutice: The Ice-Beetle Pokemon
  2. Rutidicicle: The Ice-Beetle Pokemon
  3. Eggvil: The Bad Egg Pokemon
  4. Wiregla: The Firewire Pokemon
  5. Squroot: The Math Pokemon
  6. Bizarticuno: The Bizarro-Articuno Pokemon
  7. Bizapados: The Bizarro-Zapados Pokemon
  8. Bizoltres: The Bizarro-Moltres Pokemon
  9. Koing: The Sea-Lord Pokemon
  10. Pretreastar: The Sea Star Pokemon
  11. Protreastar: The Sea Star Pokemon
  12. Et: The Evil Clown Pokemon
  13. Mantinant: The Bug Lord Pokemon
  14. Rhizogoing: The Single-Cell Pokemon
  15. Rhizogone: The Single-Cell Pokemon
  16. Cragmar: The Canyon-Magmar Pokemon
  17. Volichen: The Volcano-Lichen Pokemon
  18. Bulldonk: The Stupid Bull Pokemon

Psychics

  1. Magikill: The Evil Magikarp Pokemon
  2. Gyradont: The Useless Pokemon
  3. Swimswam: The Turtle-Dragon Pokemon
  4. Wurmol: The Wormhole Pokemon
  5. Bizarreon: The Bizarro-Eevee Pokemon
  6. Cybereon: The Cyber-Eevee Pokemon
  7. Sideon: The Sideways-Eevee Pokemon
  8. Grimoireon: The Gritty-Eevee Pokemon
  9. Eevil: The Evil-Eevee Pokemon
  10. Brakio: The Burrowed Shell Pokemon
  11. Brakambria: The Burrowed Shell Pokemon
  12. Zyloh: The Vascular Plant Pokemon
  13. Floe: The Vascular Plant Pokemon
  14. Bizarrachu: The Bizarro Universe Pikachu
  15. Evilchu: The Evil Universe Pikachu
  16. Gritchu: The Dark Universe Pikachu

Legendary

  1. Cyberchu: The Cyber Universe Pikachu
  2. Sidechu: The Sideways Universe Pikachu
  3. Zuruchu: The 616 Universe Pikachu
  4. Tyrohite: The 248 Pokemon
  5. Remew: The Renewal Pokemon
  6. Mewowth: The Villain Pokemon

100 Chicken Names

  1. Gertie
  2. Heimlich
  3. Carbuncle
  4. Alfred Hitchbock
  5. Zebulon
  6. Erlenmeyer
  7. Orson
  8. Pietro
  9. Mortimer
  10. Dortimer
  11. Gortimer
  12. Commander Sulu
  13. La Llorona
  14. Robert Bockenheimer
  15. Vorhees
  16. Calusari
  17. Dongle
  18. Featherbreath
  19. Mustafa
  20. Salieri
  21. Kjuklinger

  22. Oilasco

  23. Yuki-onna

  24. Cluck Bruckman / Clyde Bockman

  25. Nonono

  26. Nanana

  27. Hephasteus

  28. Somorost

  29. Vanderbleit

  30. Adarna

  31. Alkenost
  32. Kharkatak
  33. Hoodwink
  34. Wingmar Bergman / Ingmar Birdman
  35. 1973 New York Mining Disaster
  36. Kaddish
  37. Chicory
  38. Ballyhoo
  39. Vuvuzela
  40. Corsica
  41. Calliban
  42. Tyblat
  43. Gillygaloo
  44. Heny Lamarr
  45. Sampson
  46. Prometheus
  47. Nausicaa
  48. Moebius
  49. Escher
  50. Asher
  51. Wexler
  52. Winkler
  53. Baku
  54. Jackson Pollo
  55. Kura
  56. Arcadia
  57. Oberon
  58. Titania
  59. Hellion
  60. Cronos
  61. Roc
  62. Ziz
  63. Fenghuang
  64. Frida Clucko
  65. Yoruba
  66. Goldberg
  67. Apollo
  68. Beagle
  69. Joan of Arc
  70. Stella
  71. Klondike
  72. Usurper
  73. Grootslang
  74. Pearl S. Cluck
  75. Mastroianni
  76. Empendocles
  77. Marcello
  78. Azaroth
  79. Mercury
  80. Banquo
  81. Claudius
  82. Ophelia
  83. Basilisk
  84. Barbu Stanwick
  85. Vincent Gallo
  86. Audrey
  87. Paul F. Tompkins
  88. Ichabod
  89. Fyodor
  90. Ursula
  91. Mycroft
  92. Fermat
  93. Tengu
  94. Henry Houdani
  95. Irving
  96. The Were-Monster
  97. Vonnegut
  98. Ada Lovelace
  99. Mary Shelley
  100. Curiosity

Lincoln Park Zoo 07-16-15

Another Data Bend!  Much like with the previous Grand Island entry I was trying to bend some separate aspects of the original file separate from each other; this time it was Whites, Mids, and Blacks.  After more overlaying, etc. we get to the final file embedded below.

I believe I may have reached the point where I’m bending too much, or at least trying to do too much with all of this.  With the constant overlays and bendings, etc. much of the original file has been lost (not much of a problem), but also much of the chaotic beauty I find in these is being lost and obfuscated (very much a problem).  We’ll see if I’m able to fix this come next bend, or if I’ll move on to another experimental obsession.

The 2015 Ten

I don’t much care for Top 10 lists.  Personally, as I’ve said before, I find it immensely difficult to compare a movie that’s seriously flawed but enjoyable with a film that’s technically enthralling but narratively lacking with good clean genre fun.  How can you claim that any one of those films are “better” than the other, and why do we even feel the need to make film viewership into a contest?  Added on top of this all is the fact that I don’t see very many new movies- I can’t afford them.

So instead of giving you a Top 10 list of movies this year, I’m giving you the ten movies that I’ve seen this year that- for better or for worse- have stuck out to me.  These Ten movies, in no particular order, are:

  1. Coherence (2013): A really fascinating science fiction film about parallel universes with Xander from Buffy in it. One of my favorites I’ve seen this year.

  2. Kafka (1991): Surprisingly biographical.  Even though it’s doubtful Kafka ever stumbled upon a hidden giant brain workshop, the piece manages to capture the personage of its subject. Bravo Soderbergh.

  3. Bridge of Spies (2015): A very confused movie.  Half Coen Brothers tragicomedy, half serious Spielberg history.  A good non-offensive movie to watch with family and say “That certainly was a movie” afterwards.

  4. Willow Creek (2013): A found-footage horror movie that tries its best to answer some meta-filmic questions about the genre and packs in a few scares.  Now to justify the existence of the found-footage horror genre.

  5. Journey to the West (2013): I am two years behind of everything. A Steven Chow film that doesn’t reach the zany genius of “Kung Fu Hustle”, but also doesn’t get into the zany shallowness of Shaolin Soccer.

  6. The Zero Theorem (2013): Oh Terry Gilliam.  If you close your eyes there are the specks of a decent movie here.  Unfortunately they were left as only absurd and stylish specks.

  7. The Martian (2015): More survivor story than science fiction, Damon commands enough presence for his portion alone on the Red Planet, with plenty of non-character spouting Science Fiction on Earth and in space.

  8. Inside Out (2015): Pixar came back swinging with this one.  A story that manages to show the good and the bad of every emotion, especially sadness and its lasting effect on memory. Neat!

  9. The Babadook (2014): This is a spooky movie!  Meditations on single-parenthood, grief, and madness all come crashing together in the story of an Australian Boogeyman.  Well plotted and well done.

  10. Spring Breakers (2012): This might just be my favorite film that I saw this year.  A Morality Tale, A Gang war story, a Selena Gomez vehicle. A nightmarish joy. Exhibit A:

    I rest my case.

RUNNERS UP, OR “I ALSO SAW THESE THIS YEAR”

  1. The Tenth Victim (1965):  Italian film about two sexy assassins in a murder TV game show who are hunting each other. An enjoyable romp, and always good to see Marcello Mastroianni.
  2. Sound of Noise (2010): A thin story, but interesting enough for a police procedural about anarchist musicians.  Mostly a vehicle for the Stomp-like music sequences, which are executed well.
  3. Berberian Sound Studio (2012): The sound-based horror I was looking for, with plenty of personal anxiety, feeling way over your head, and isolation. Also Toby Jones!  Fun for the whole family!
  4. Wet Hot American Summer (2001): A movie that is the sum of its parts, but it’s made up of some good parts.  Of the same caliber at least as “Airplane II: The Sequel”, if not “Hot Shots! Part Deux”.
  5. The Exterminating Angel (1962): Bunel’s best continues to be L’Age d’Or, however this is a wonderful film about rich people having silly, stupid problems.  A good conceit, and offering plenty of subtext without being too serious.

A Study in Brown

This one is an old video, from maybe a year ago so not too old, that I had thought I uploaded here but apparently I didn’t!  So here it is now, A Study in Brown:

A Study in Brown from Vvinni Gagnepain on Vimeo.

I like to see my data bending work as gradually improving, and this marked the point where I was confident in creating these bent images, and wanted to begin pushing the boundaries further.  So For “A Study in Brown”, I not only had numerous versions of the main chick video on top of each other, but I also had a separate, also brown, video that was overlayed of sand falling (both videos were taken during a visit to the Museum of Science and Industry here in Chicago).  I think it’s a successful experiment and a good mile-marker for me as a growing experimental artist.

As an actual film to be seen online?  Eh, I’d put among my “Cat Video”, as something to watch keeping in mind that it’s an experiment.  A fuller experiment than my other bends, but still an experiment.  I do think the Brazillian Jazz adds a much more relaxed feeling than some other works, and mimics well the sleepiness of the chicks seen beneath the fraying video, and so perhaps this is all a way of visualizing the fraying of reality as a chick goes to sleep and enters the dream world?  Or maybe I’m just reaching too far.  I leave it to you, Comments!

Arsea, or on the creation of Language

I’m currently wading into the world of creating an animated series about talking animals in space and as time goes on I’ll be posting more about it.   For this show I wanted to create an alien language to use for background signage and the like, both as a way to explore more of this universe but also as a way of creating a more lived-in universe for my space- crustaceans to live in.  This fictional language is Arsea, and it looks like this:

Now I know the question on all of your minds: Is there some overly-complicated linguistic history to back up this neat little alphabet? Why yes there is, thanks for asking. It all begins with emojis…


 

The Earthen Letterglyphs

Currently language is in the process of being deconstructed, and we’re starting to use pictures, numbers, and standalone letters to represent ideas and to replace whole words.  My first task was to go through and figure out which of these pictures/letters/numerals would be included as a glyph once we inevitably create a unified logographic language.  I ended up with thirty different glyphs that I would end up working with for this, all listed below:

The Emoticonal Letterglyphs
The Emoticonal Letterglyphs

From there I had to do the best I could going through hundreds of years of letter-shaping, much like our own alphabets did, in the span of a few days.  I did this through taking the glyphs and tracing over them (sometimes with my left hand), and re-tracing them, and simplifying the forms so I use less strokes, etc.  Eventually I ended up with a simplified New Earth Alphabet.  Some individual glyphs (my favorites) are below, the befores and after.

The cat-glyph
The cat-glyph, before
The "Cwa" Sonoglyph
The “Cwa” Sonoglyph, after
The "Pizza" logoglyph.
The “Pizza” logoglyph.
The "Eee" Sonoglyph
The “Eee” Sonoglyph
The "Poop" logoglyph.
The “Poop” logoglyph.
The "Guh" Sonoglyph
The “Guh” Sonoglyph

 

 

 

So I had a Nu-Earth Sonoglyphic language from which I could now expand as the Human Race was about to expand.  At this point in the story-world  I’m creating humanity let loose leagues of Arks carrying with them all sort of animals as well as phonograph machines that will teach these animals language (Fun Fact, these phonograph machines are where the name “Arsea” comes from).  We now enter into a new age of this language, the age of the arks.


 

The Space Arks

The Digitized "Puh" sonoglyph.
The Digitized “Puh” sonoglyph.

The first step was a simple one: As shown above I took all of the sonoglyphs (pictures that equate to a sound, or a fancy way of saying letters)and I “digitzed” them by tracing over all lines with tiny black pixel-like squares.  Once everything was digitized, I could set out creating certain words, phrases, etc, which I would then use for the next step of this alphanumeric rabbit hole.  I ended up with about thirty-five words and phrases that I eventually used to created a new round of letters, a few of those are included below to see how the Nu-Earth Sonoglyphs work together.

"Error", an important word in this world.
“Error”, an important word in this world.
"Gagnepain", yes I have a problem.
“Gagnepain”, yes I have a problem.
"Twarogowski", to honor the co-creator of  a lot of this imaginary mythos.
“Twarogowski”, to honor the co-creator of a lot of this imaginary mythos.
"Heisenberg 1", the name of one of the Arks.
“Heisenberg 1”, the name of one of the Arks.
"Quarters", for where creatures would live.
“Quarters”, for where creatures would live.

Well,  as luck/fate/chaos would have it the Human race destroyed themselves and all that was left of them were these giant floating space arks.  These arks floated around for thousands of years in space as new stars and planets were born (time also got a bit wibbly-wobbly here, this is all backstory for the animated universe).  Eventually these Arks crashed on to planets and let loose all of the creatures held inside, and when these creatures gained self-awareness they would see these giant ships and the wreckage from them and begin to craft their new language from these ruins.

So my next step was to mimic thousands of years of wear-and-tear and damage from entrance to the atmosphere and crashing onto planets.  This was done with the aide of data-bending and massive photoshop manipulation.  Unfortunately a lot of the documents I had from this step seem to have disappeared, but I do have what came next: breaking up all of these wrecked and pixellated images and beginning this whole process of of abstraction to logoglyphs to abstraction to sonoglyphs again.


 

Fonos: The Hieroglyphs of the Old Systems

So we’re back at step 1: Creating a hieroglyphic language to be then transposed into a sonoglyphic language.  I used the broken up chunks of the old Ark glitches to create new symbols.  Some of these symbols were near direct translations from the Ark to the Glyph, others used ideas from the Arks but rotated or combined them to create a new glyph, and still yet some glyphs are based around other Fonos glyphs.  I ended up with about 100 of these heiroglyphs.

All 100 or so of the Fonos Logoglyphs.
All 100 or so of the Fonos Logoglyphs.

Aside from directly translating these fractured bits of broken imaginary broken screens and spaceships, I also wanted to try and simplify these glyphs a bit, or at least make them more organic feeling.  So to get each of the cards above I again went through and traced and re-traced each sketch until the glyphs were broken down enough.  Then I brought them back into the computer, which that process in itself then added new wrinkles to each drawing (often times the filters I used would fill in circles with smaller circles, or they’d cause smaller lines that were just wrinkles in the paper to appear).  So to get the digital files that I’d then be working on, which I’ve included some of my favorites below, I would pick and choose which aspects of the new files I liked and which aspects needed to go and finished off with all of these:

The Fonos logoglyph for "Fire".
The Fonos logoglyph for “Fire”.

 

The Fonos Glyph for "Living".
The Fonos Glyph for “Living”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Sense"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Sense”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Government".
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Government”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Reason"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Reason”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Interest"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Interest”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Beauty"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Beauty”.

 

THe Fonos Logoglyph for "Ground"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Ground”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Science".
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Science”.

 

The Fonos Logoglyph for "Feast"
The Fonos Logoglyph for “Feast”.

 


 

The Final Frontier

Okay, we’re near the end.  Once I had all 100 or so glyphs finished and digitally uploaded I split them all apart into different categories based on what their main features were.  From there I combined the glyphs, simplified them, anything to see what sorts of forms or recurring shapes could be seen among all of them.  I then took 44 of these combined glyphs (though some were direct translations) to match up with the 44 phonetic sounds.  These 44 starters can be seen below:

The Antiquity version of Arsean script.
The Antiquity version of Arsean script.

As you can see, though my goal was simplification, it didn’t really work out.  But that was no matter, because it was time for another round of tracing and re-tracing these pictures in an effort to compress hundreds of years of letter-mutating in the span of only a few weeks.  On top of tracing and re-tracing I also wanted to be sure that (almost) every letter for this new language could be accomplished with only three strokes of a pen/pencil/claw, and so through eventually amongst all of this change I came to the final 44 letters of Arsea, shown in two plates below along with their phonetic alphabet words to let you know the sound they make.

 

The Modern Arsean Letters
The Modern Arsean Letters
Organ
“Or” making that sound, or the beginning sound of “Organ”.

And a few closer looks at some of my favorite letters:

"Wee", making the "Wuh" sound.
“Wee”, making the “Wuh” sound.
"Tho" making the beginning "Th" sound in "The".
“Tho” making the beginning “Th” sound in “The”.
"Oure", making the O-U-R sound in "Tour".
“Oure”, making the O-U-R sound in “Tour”.
"Go", or the "Guh" sound like in "Goat".  Also, it looks like a goat.
“Go”, or the “Guh” sound like in “Goat”. Also, it looks like a goat.
"Io", the letter that makes the sound "I" or "Eye" or "Aye".
“Io”, the letter that makes the sound “I” or “Eye” or “Aye”.
"Eer", making an "Ear" sound.
“Eer”, making an “Ear” sound.
"Choo", making the "Sh" sound like "Charlie".
“Choo”, making the “Sh” sound like “Charlie”.
"Al", making the hard "A" sound which begins "Alpha".
“Al”, making the hard “A” sound which begins “Alpha”.
"Oop", making the middle double-o sound in "book".
“Oop”, making the middle double-o sound in “book”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that’s it.  Arsea is a direct phonetic cipher, so any word you want to write you just break apart into its sounds and pick out the correct letters for it.  Was this an extremely complicated way to get at something extremely simple? Yes. Did I waste my time?  That, I open up for your discussion.

100 Bad Restaurants

  1. A restaurant full of screaming monkeys
  2. A restaurant that only serves slabs of concrete
  3. A restaurant that leaves you handcuffed to a radiator for your entire meal.
  4. A restaurant that charges everything by the ounce (salt, napkins, plates, electricity, air, etc.)
  5. A restaurant that serves raw chicken
  6. A restaurant that serves food by throwing it in your face
  7. A restaurant full of angry bees
  8. A restaurant where everyone is forced to sing a “happy birthday” song every five minutes.
  9. A restaurant sitting on top of an active volcano
  10. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  11. A restaurant where waiters flip over tables when they’re angry.
  12. A restaurant that insists that everything tastes better with pickled okra.
  13. A restaurant that only exists in restaurant review books.
  14. A restaurant that refuses business to everyone.
  15. A restaurant full of hungry pugs.
  16. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Hurricane Katrina”.
  17. A restaurant that has your waiter sit down and judge you for the entire meal.
  18. A restaurant that takes your wallet at the door and then refuses to give it back.
  19. A restaurant that acts like it doesn’t know what a restaurant is.
  20. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  21. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Racial Stereotypes”.
  22. A restaurant that serves you food on plates made of plutonium.
  23. A restaurant inside of a CDC quarantine zone.
  24. A restaurant that has a gaping abyss in the middle, and when you stare deeply into it it stares also deeply into you. When you fall into the abyss you are never seen again, and the restaurant will only refund the meal but not pay for funerary expenses, as life is all but a meaningless exercise.  (It’s called “Nietzsche’s” It has a bleak atmosphere, small portions, and all meals have to be okayed by the owner’s sister.  It does, however, also have a fantastic cherry pie).
  25. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Killer clowns and harpsichords”.
  26. A beach taco stand that will only throw sand in your face.
  27. A food truck possessed by a serial child-killer who was recently executed and now roams the streets at night and kills people.  The real problem is that it’s a food truck.
  28. A food court restaurant that is an actual courtroom and you have to argue your case to be served food.  If you don’t win your case you can get up to three consecutive life sentences.
  29. A restaurant full of seagulls and Canadian geese.
  30. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  31. An Ice Cream Shop that only serves tuna salad.
  32. A restaurant that takes “home cooked meal” to the extreme and hires actors to play your parents who spend the entire meal arguing with each other and at the end of the meal they tell you they’re getting a divorce.
  33. A restaurant that thinks a salad is a raw head of cabbage.
  34. A restaurant that demands you do all of the cooking for your meal yourself.
  35. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Bad Hospital”.
  36. A restaurant full of pumas.
  37. A restaurant that serves terrible food and when you complain about it insists that you just don’t “get it”.
  38. A restaurant that serves all of its food out of flaming tires.
  39. A restaurant and a tattoo parlor where you can eat a philly cheese steak while getting a tattoo of a philly cheese steak (they only know how to do philly cheese steaks).
  40. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  41. A restaurant that decorates its interior with portraits of creepy little girls who watch you while you eat.
  42. A restaurant where everything is made of plexiglass and astroturf, even the food.
  43. A pizza place that makes its crust out of dead chickadees.
  44. A restaurant with a live mine field inside.
  45. A restaurant where everyone’s name is Tyler and all of the food is Tyler.
  46. A restaurant that decorates its interior with dead alligators with googly eyes.
  47. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Catholic School”
  48. A restaurant full of falcons.
  49. A restaurant where all of the salt has been replaced with Lye.
  50. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  51. A beachside restaurant that the ocean engulffs during high tide.
  52. A hot dog stand that serves batteries instead of hot dogs.
  53. A theme restaurant where the theme is “radio shack”.
  54. A restaurant where every hour minutes the chef runs out of the kitchen and screams “DEAR GOD I’VE KILLED THEM ALL!” before getting dragged to the back by a bunch of men in suits.  The next hour it’s a different chef.
  55. A restaurant that will mail your meal to you in 6 to 8 weeks.
  56. A dinner theater that has a grateful dead concert every night and it takes eight hours to eat one meal (though the longest it’s taken is a week to eat one meal).
  57. An old fashioned 1950’s diner with old fashioned 1950’s racism and sexism.  The worst part is that there’s a minor discrepancy on their jukebox where they have one song that was recorded in 1959 but wasn’t released until 1960. It’s disgusting.
  58. A trendy restaurant that glues beards on to all of their food.
  59. A restaurant full of stink beetles.
  60. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  61. A restaurant that only serves ketchup packets and milk cups.
  62. A fine dining establishment where the owner will dump molten gold on to patrons who aren’t wearing the right shoes.  Who decides what’s the right shoe and the wrong shoe? The owner, of course.
  63. A theme restaurant where the theme is “East Berlin”.
  64. A restaurant full of goats.
  65. A Barbeque restaurant that will slaughter a cow in front of you even if you order salad.
  66. A restaurant where you have sixty seconds to eat your meal.  If you fail, you explode, if you succeed you pay $8.95 and leave a generous tip.
  67. Damocles’: A restaurant where a sword is hanging over every seat by a thread that could snap at any moment.
  68. A restaurant where the waiter orders for you and then gets the order wrong.
  69. A restaurant that has such high turnaround in staff that people aren’t even sure if they work there or not. This include the manager, who may or may not be on their first day.
  70. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  71. A restaurant where everything is painted a neon orange: menus, seats, floors, ceilings, chairs, faces.
  72. A restaurant where you have to eat your meal in front of an upset gorilla.
  73. A restaurant whose menu consists of two items: 1)BACON GREASE and 2) FISH WATER.
  74. A theme restaurant where the theme is “White Snake Concert”.
  75. A restaurant full of deer ticks.
  76. A hot dog stand that will serve Hot. Dogs. Like a Pembroke welsh corgi that’s been in a car for an hour with the windows up.
  77. A seafood restaurant that doesn’t seem to know what a fish is.
  78. A restaurant that is an elaborate death trap that you have to navigate your way through.  They do, however, have the best sopapillas in town.
  79. A fine dining establishment that has all of its signage and menus written in Comic Sans.
  80. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  81. A Twin Peaks themed diner that has terrible cherry pie.
  82. A Steakhouse where all of the meals are named after your childhood pets.
  83. A restaurant full of mirrors, so that no matter where you look you’re forced to watch yourself eat.
  84. A restaurant that has an animatronic rat band sing songs by Andrew lloyd Webber out of key. The worse part is you’re expected to tip the robot band.
  85. A French Bakery that only serves Meat Pudding.
  86. An Irish Pub that only sells macarons.
  87. A restaurant that has only one employee who just wears different hats.  If you bring attention to it you are banned.
  88. A restaurant that insists everything tastes better with grape jelly and Worcestershire sauce.
  89. A restaurant where the only lighting is strobe lighting.
  90. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  91. A restaurant that will banish you to a cornfield if you don’t tip enough.
  92. A restaurant that lets all of its financial decisions be made by pre-teens.
  93. A sports bar that only plays CNN .
  94. A restaurant full of hungry, sleepy cats.
  95. A restaurant that you have to take a standardized test in order to get in.
  96. A restaurant where the waiters are required to nudge you and ask “Say, you want some steak with that butter?” even if you are not eating steak or using butter.
  97. A restaurant that will constantly judge you on how attractive and hip you are, and if you fail in either one of these criteria then the restaurant has the right to bring you to the back where you will never be seen or heard from again. It’s a Burger place called”Logan’s Buns”.
  98. A piano bar where every 78 minutes the Space Jam theme starts playing and people in Looney Tunes outfits come out and start gyrating their hips in people and stock broker’s food.
  99. An old timey saloon full of memorabilia from the “Terminator” movie series.
  100. A restaurant that combines all of the above, so… Applebees.

Spam 3: Spam Rising

I’ve been pretty lax about looking at Spam comments.  But now a few are starting to catch my eye again.  Let’s go back into the vault of that which should never be seen:

  • Balenciaga Outlet Florenceyou should not notice out of video since make up is among individuals locations should you like to spend some profit yet to be going out to restaurants is a waste material for example I can’t including paying my best funds now there this is law you do…
  • Xi witnessed the arrival of a cargo train at the railway station in Duisburg from the southwestern Chinese city of Chongqing. The train had travelled all the distance along the Chongqing-Xinjiang-Europe international railway. It’s still unclear just how much these chat applications will be worth in the longer term. At the conference on Wednesday, Tencent said the newest update of the software due out in July will likely have a payment feature, potentially allowing the application to function as a mobile wallet for shoppers. To make quality persimmon cakes, as the dried fruits are called, Zhang says he has to massage them regularly. Because of the Silk Road Economic Belt, Kashgar plans to build three more airports, which will be used to strengthen industrial integration and facilitate transportation among China, Central Asia and Europe. I’m her only caretaker. Her suffering awakened my sense of responsibility. The ten airmen of US Flying Tigers on board of the B-24 bomber wreckage found by Jiang Jun in Mao’ershan Mountain in Xing’an county in Guangxi. Photo: Xing’an county government Jiang’s illiterate mother suffers migraines and is almost blind. But she refuses to go to the hospital because it’s too expensive
  • You love it this particular video recording do be sure to please click that they like key down the page with remember to excuse reduced top quality the picture within my very own business office and even stop by
  • and not journey backwards too far, so when you find yourself pulling them
  • should just about all your shoes are already shoes in addition,yet hunters, I wouldn’t counsel my.
  • “Buy Eggs Packed Full”
  • From Buy Cheap Coach Boots: “is”
  • solar thermal geothermal Growing Pains Season 1 DVD
  • “Canada Goose Outlet”. It’s not the strangest, unless you’re thinking about a power outlet in the shape of a Canadian goose.
  • For sale which is publicly golf iron sets
  • Ping G30 Driver and take care of them yourself
  • someone not in body who calls me because I can communicate on more than one frequency. My subconsious can communicate clearly with those in body and those not, but words are not the language used. (That was information I received in a different way and it a whole different story.).
  • golf [,] they desire a better country.
  • “religion steak”, I misread this one.
  • “hot bears must die”, I also misread this.
  • I tried to reach… your next… door neighbor for a… few weeks and he never… returned any of my messages.
  • From Shop Christian Louboutin bags: “the”
  • From Cheap Oakley Sunglasses mens: “them”
  • From Coach outlet store near Raleigh nc: “at”
  • Don’t hang me on day oneAustralian Open 2015: Can the reigning kings be toppled down under?With reforms, states will fund the railway projects willinglyRBI’s rate cut: Do not be surprised if the rupee takes a knockDoes the literal reading golf putters of sacred texts translate into hijacking, murder and terrorism?The kite runnersGender equality starts with family planningRBI has smoothened investors’ feathers. “That’s my specialty,” new raksha mantri Manohar Parrikar said as he took charge of the defence ministry on Monday.The defence establishment needs a strong dose of his medicines, grappling as it is with a floundering defence industrial base, holes in operational military capabilities, complicated procurement procedures dogged by scandals, and last but not the least, a TaylorMade Speedblade Irons civil military divide that refuses to be Titleist Vokey SM5 Wegdes bridged

An Unhelpful Guide to the 2015 Oscars

As we all know, there’s a thousand year-old fire demon living beneath the Earth’s surface, and the only way to keep it from waking up and destroying our world is to have the best of the silver screen throw tiny gold-plated statues into a volcano.  Hence: OSCAR SEASON.  So, to make sure that we all vote right and get the correct people to throw their statues and appease the fire demon (if we get it wrong, then that’s it: no more Earth), I’ve compiled together this list of the nominees from the only three categories that matter: Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Sound Mixing.  I’ve also included a rating, and the film’s chances of winning.  You’re welcome, people of Earth. You’re welcome.

Birdman
Nominated for all three! I hope they make a stage musical of this soon, so that it can also sweep the Tonys and the Grammys, and then make a TV show based on the musical so it can win an Emmy, and then make a movie based on the TV show based on the stage musical based on the movie so they can win the Oscars all over again and achieve Nirvana.

The gritty reboot of the Hanna-Barbara cartoon, Michael Keaton stars as Ray Randall who is given powers by the sun god Ra in order to fight the nefarious Number One (Zach Galifianakis) and F.E.A.R as they attempt to take over a satellite and use it to spread a suffocating purple fog over the world.  [SPOILER ALERT] One of the additions to this film is a more fleshed out character for Number One whose daughter was killed by suffocation in a car (he refuses to admit it was suicide, he’d only blame himself).  Also, Keaton does a superb job at bringing in a real sense of doubt to Randall and Birdman as he discovers that sometimes the world doesn’t need a superman, they need a superBIRD.  I’m already looking forward to the teased sequel where we’ll meet Birdgirl (Emma Stone) and the Deadly Duplicator (Edward Norton), who has a pre-supervillain role here.  I give it 40 episodes and an Adult Swim spinoff.  Chances of winning: 190%


Boyhood
For Best Picture and Best Director (If they got Hans Zimmer for the score, they would have swept Sound Mixing).

Filmed over twelve years by director Richard Linklater, Boyhood follows young Mason (Eliar Coltrane) as he goes through all the steps of growing up: Playing with toys alone in your room, going to water parks, being really awkward and sweaty in Jr. High, throwing up at your cousins wedding, rushing to the emergency room because you got your arm stuck inside a tree and had to twist it out, going to the emergency room because you got your arm stuck inside a bicycle and had to twist it out, learning how to drive, going to the emergency room because you locked your keys in the car so you decided to try and smash the window with your head, trying out for the boys basketball team, having everyone on the boys basketball team laugh at you and call you “Gaggle Pen”, throwing up in front of the entire boys basketball team, going to the hospital for throwing up a whole bunch in front of the boys basketball team, being really quiet and awkward at another cousins wedding, having your entire family ask you why you’re not having at the wedding, playing trumpet in Jr. High, playing trumpet in High School and not really being that great at it, going to homecoming and standing around and being awkward, having everyone ask you why your not having fun at homecoming, throwing up at homecoming, going to the hospital because you really shouldn’t be this queasy sweaty and awkward.  Most importantly, though, it’s about eating cereal. And discovering that you throw up when you’re nervous. I give it 5 to 18 stars depending on where in the movie it is. Chances of winning: 111%


The Grand Budapest Hotel
For Best Picture and Best Director

Between the world wars a scarred soldier (Willem Dafoe) searches for the art thief who not only stole a priceless painting but also his fingers years before.  When the soldier find the now older thief (Ralph Fiennes) he discovers that the art thief now owns a humble hotel in the mountains and only wishes to be left alone with a child he adopted at a young age (Tony Revolori).  Will the thief find redemption?  Will the Soldier get his revenge? What does it mean to be a good person? These are the questions asked in this harrowing drama.  I give it 21 years and a thousand guests.  It’s chances of winning? 301%.


The Imitation Game
For Best Picture and Best Director

Chester Carlson (Benedict Cumberbatch) works at a patent office in New York city during the depression while being a part-time researcher and inventor on the side.  Carlson’s job required him to write endless copies of the same form, which inflamed his arthritis, and so he set out to do the impossible: To create a machine that would be able to make copies, imitations, from one original document.  Ending in 1949 with the creation of the Xerox corporation and the first Xenographic device (photocopiers, as they’re now known), this film explores how the dreams of one man, no matter how small those dreams may seem, can still change history. Jack Bannon co-stars as the head of the Haloid Corporation, the company that finally gave Carlson’s dream a chance.  I give it 159,000,000,000,000,000,000 possibilities.  Chances of winning: 1420%


Whiplash
For Best Picture and Best Sound Mixing

A fish-out-of-water comedy about a talented street drummer from Harlem (Nick Cannon) who enrolls in a Southern university, expecting to lead its marching band’s drumline to victory. He initially flounders in his new world, before realizing that it takes more than talent to reach the top. There is a small sub-plot where the director of the number one band attempts to “bribe” Devon to switch schools and come play for him. I give it 5.6 stars.  Chances of winning: 108%


American Sniper
For Best Picture and Best Sound Mixing

Bradley Cooper is Kyle, a sarcastic cynic who is traveling throughout Europe.  In London he gets really close to the guards at Buckingham palace and whispers “Farts and Boobs” then proceeds to yell, supposedly to “That Queen”, that “the food in this place stinks”.  In Paris he throws cheese at people and tries track down Nicolas Sarkozy (who hasn’t been president for two years) to tell him that he looks like a frog in a suit.  In Germany he says Coors Light is better, in Belgium he says Hershey’s has an easier to pronounce name, in Luxembourg he is somehow able to meet with Prime Minister Xavier Bettel (who plays himself!) what follows is a five minute insult monologue from Cooper.  At the end, Bettel sighs and says “I’m so sick of you Americans and your constant sniping”.  I give it 26 medals.  Chances of winning: 141%.


 

Foxcatcher
For Best Director

That guy from the office has grey hair! And he wears all these sweatshirts, and he owns a club or something.  Really I was just thinking about The Office the whole time.  Remember when Jim looked at the camera? THAT WAS HILARIOUS!  And what about when Dwight talked about living on the farm? I really wish they explored his spin-off more, it could have been really funny I think if they did it right.  I mean, maybe that episode wasn’t that great, but it could have been really funny. Oh, and Toby!  Man, this film would have been great if Toby just showed up halfway through and Micheal was all “It’s Toby! What are you doing here? Being boring? Yeah that’s what I bet”, and Toby’s just really nice about it.  Anyways, I think there might be some kind of death cult in this movie.  I give it seven stars, for how many seasons “The Farm” should have gotten.  Chances of winning: 89%


Interstellar
For Best Sound Mixing

BRAAAAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. POOM POOM POOM BRAAAAAAAAAAHM. shooshooshooSHOOSHOOshooshoo BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. ohnoplanets BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZMEYOOOR! PEWPEWPEW YOyoYOyoYOOOOO. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM.  wwwwwwHOOOOSH shooo SHOOOOwhoooosh SPLOOOSHswishswish clackclackclackCLICK BARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM thisplanetstoowet BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM time! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. oooooOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZzzzap clawclawcrewcrow BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM beep. beeep. beep. BOOP. BRAAAAAAAHM thisplanetstoocold. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM ZIPCRACKLEWHETWHET BRAAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM. This planet’s juuuuuuuust right!  I give this film three planets and the infinite expanse of time. Chances of winning: BRAAAAAAAAAAHM BRAAAAAAAAAAAAHM.


Unbroken
For Best Sound Mixing

A young couple gets a new puppy. One day the wife (Maddalena Ischiale), who works as an ad exec in downtown Chicago, comes home to find that the puppy has wet the carpet. “What?! Isn’t this puppy house-trained?” she asks her stay-at-home-and-play-video-games husband (Finn Wittrock). “No.” Says the husband, “This puppy is unbroken“. I give it a rating of 47 days.  Chances of winning: 167%.


Selma
For Best Picture

There was a guy named Martin Luther King Jr. He made a bunch of people walk around. Some guy writes his name on a paper. I guess it’s cool if you like walking.  I give it 525 to 600 stars. Chances of winning: 275%

WHO WILL WIN:

Best Picture: Grand Hotel
Best Director: Frank Borzage for Bad Girl
Best Sound Mixing: Paramount Publix Studio Sound Department and She Done Him Wrong