Bella stared deeply into the deep pools of Edward’s eyes.  His eyes were like mirrors, that reflected the angelic version of all that they looked upon. Bella stared at Edward, her heart palpitating.

“I love you” said Bella

“I know, but you don’t want to be with me. For I am a vampire” Is what Bella thought Edward would say, but she was too busy staring as his lips; they were the color of fresh poppies. Bella loved poppies. They were smooth and much like the glorious face of mighty Adonis, also very much like Edward.  Edward appeared a god amongst the insects that lived on Earth, he was a beam of light, specifically when he was in sunlight and his skin shone a magnificent gold.  Bella also loved gold, for it reminded her of the golden embrace of Edward the Handsome.

Bella continued staring at Edward as his eyes darted back and forth, surveying the area and making sure no one could see them. He let out a growl. Bella turned around, and saw Jacob approaching, not in wolf form.

“Jacob, you have found me in Edward’s loving embrace”, said Bella, feeling sad for taking her eyes off of Edward magnificent form to gaze upon her werewolf friend.

“Yes, Bella, I have come here for I am concerned over how much you love Edward, and his hot muscular body” replied Jacob, not in wolf form.

“I should be the one concerned, wolfman” said Edward, his voice sounding a mighty boom accross the valley, shaking trees and making even the mightiest of elk cease and stare at the beast who uttered this mighty bellow. Truly, Edward was a man… or rather a VAMPIRE. Bella admired Edward, and gazed at his pulsating chest, which looked so lively and handsome despite not having a heart.

“Pah, I find that laughable hahahahaha!” Said Jacob.

“Jacob, please stop. You are drunk again. You don’t mean what you are saying” Pleaded Bella, whilst staring at Jacob.

“Drunk? I am only drunk in my caring for you, Bella. This beast will eat you, and not in a sexual way. Please, come back with me, your friend who is also a werewolf” said Jacob, still not in Wolf form but getting dangerously close.

“No, Jacob, you don’t understand. I love Edward. I love him, and I wish for him to non-sexually eat me because then I could stare at him FOREVER” Cried Bella, tears forming in her staring eyes.

Edward breathed heavily. He was MAGNIFICENT, although eh ahd put on some weight recently.  But this was okay, because it only accentuated the firm figure of Edward’s mighty figure. So quare, and yet so gentle.

“Graaaagaghgaarrrrraaaaa!” Yelled jacob, as he transformed. Transformed… into a wolf.

“No Jacob! No! Do Not wolf, otherwise we will fight with knives!”

“Aoooooooooo!” Howled Jacob at the moon. He was a wolf now.

Edward hissed a wonderful hiss at Jacob. Bella stared into the distance, wondering if she should go to college or continue staring at Edward professionally. Jacob pounced, and Edward prepared himself to fight, lowering his hands and making a sound like Zeus would make if he were eating alone in a cafeteria: Mysteriously handsome.

Then a bright light shone in the sky, and George the UFO from the future [ive made this part becuz i think it adds alot of symoblism] landed. He exited his spacecraft and pointed his laser gun at Jacob and Edward.

“Stop fighting, you too! Or else I will kill!” Shouted George.

Jacob transformed back into human form. Edward quit gasping, and once again stood around and looked AMAZING. His face was chilsed from the finest of marbles, his jawline perfectly square but not in an ugly way.  There was nothing ugly about Edward. The very presence of such a magnificent creature confirmed Bella’s undying belief in God.

George put away his space ray gun. He looked at Bella. “Bella, will go to the prom WITH ME?!”

Edward and Jacob both turned to face the alien. What was he doing? His customs were strange, almost alien, to them the children of the Earth.

Bella did not answer George. She was busy staring at the ground: it was wet and green, not like the ground of Arizona where she was from at first.  But she could learn to love this ground, if it meant spending eternity with Edward and his wonderfully triangular nose and his well-defined cheekbones.

and thats where im stopping 4 now but let me kno what u think k? luv you.

I have decided to explore this idea further. Take this for example:

I believe it’s from Treasure island, most likely form the part where the one pirate tries to trick the other pirate into not being a pirate and starting his own CyberCafe. That was a good part.  On to more knife fights.

I guess it's actually a knife/grenade fight.

This one isn’t so much a fight, as it is the threatening before a fight.  As you can see, it will be one heck of a fight.

And so, to close this up, I will write my own knife fight.  Right here. Right now.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

HENRY WINKLER sits in dingy bar, nursing a shaker of whiskey.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON kicks in the door to the bar.  He holds a knife, which he points to Henry.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON

Henry Winkler, today is your day of Reckonning.

Prepare to duel!

Henry gives a sideglance at Hunter S. Thompson. He finishes his whiskey, and stands to his feet.

HENRY WINKLER

I knew you’d catch up to me someday, Hunter.

But there’s one thing you should know: I’ve been

Practicing.

Henry swiftly unsheaths two double-edged knives. He turns them, ready for battle.

Hunter narrows his eyes. He tosses his knife to his other hand.

Hunter charges at Henry. Henry charges at Hunter. They fight. They fight with KNIVES.

Hunter attempts to stab Henry in the gut, Henry blocks the blade with one of his knives and brings the other up to Hunter’s neck.

Hunter is too quick, he grabs Henry’s wrist and squeezes it tight. Henry drops the knife, Hunter kicks it away.

Henry turns the blade of his knife, scraping against Hunter’s leg.

Hunter yelps.

Henry smiles.

Hunter turns his knife and slashes across Henry’s stomach.

Henry grabs his gut. Hunter raises his knife, ready to deliver the final blow.

A throwing is knife hits the wall. Hunter and Henry turn and find HARRIET TUBMAN standing in the doorway. She holds a glave.

HERRIET TUBMAN

I’M NOT DEAD YET!

The three knife fighters stare at each other, readying their knives.

They charge. Freezeframe. End.

Here are what I remember of the previous one hundred posts:

1. We’re still not eating pie.

2. The relationship between Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman is still… being researched.

3. I’m still looking, Mr. Icke. I’m still looking.

4. Vvinni: Episode 1 was just too long.

5. Vvinni: Episode 2 was even longer.

6. Vvinni: Really? Posting three all at once?  You could have saved some.

7. Vvinni: Now you’re just running out of ideas.

8. IMdB is much more Puppy now. And thank God for that.

9. Mr Coyne: You are still groovy as Hell. Never forget that, will you?

10. Vvinni: Nobody watches these, you know.

11. JCVD: One of the year’s best?  Certainly one of Van Damme’s Best.

12. Vvinni: I like your hat.

13. The birds still want to eat the noodles, but they never will.

14. You know, Mr. Gaiman?  I think I’m seeing a common motif in your work.

15. Vvinni: YOU’RE MIXING PLASTICS WITH GLASS.

16. It’s almost time for my Yupd!

17. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. Beyond 2001, Beyond 2010, Beyond Love, Beyond Death.

18. Vvinni: We’re going back to the graveyard.

19. Shopping Penguin? Shopping Penguin.

20. I gave it  the “Lizards” tag because the Dream-Eating monster is only able to use the reptilian part of his brain. I AM WITTY.

21. He-Yah! We gotta save the farm, rope those… cows…

22. My other documentary was about carpet.

23. It’s changed in ways you can never imagine.

24. PEA SOUP?!

25. Hello.

26. Vvinni: It makes me feel kind of bad I haven’t been having as many adventures this semester.

27. Worship me as a God.

28. YOU’RE TERING ME APART, LISA!

29. It’s still dripping blood all over my floor.

30. I left off here.

31. I picked it back up here.

32. Then I got shot by some bullets.

33. It’s cold inside, you’ll have to wear a cape.

34. I feel I’ve made much more intriguing work than what I did Freshman year.

35. Really? This is when the quest began?  And I haven’t picked it back up until… a few weeks ago?  I am NOT doing a good job questing.

36. Vvinni: You’re trying to hard. Stop it.

37. Exploding Goldfish Films. Check them out, why don’t you?

38. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BEAR!!!!

39. See. This is a documentary about Carpet!

40. Help! It took six months to make this!

41. I kill you both.

42. Andrew did this, I have nothing to say about it.

43. Eggs: A common motif of mine.

44. The world would melt were it made of cheese.

45. OH DEAR GOD IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!

46. One of the best of 1991?

47. I got the problem fixed, but now I can’t see my tongue.

48. That’s definitely a Bear.

49. Chickens, Money omelets, and axe-wielding.

50. Gum: It’s really a disappointment nowadays.

51. No, Bicycles!

52. Goodbye.

53. Ethan Holbrook: He Travels through time and Astronauts.

54. If you want to know more about Discouraging Words, then you should be reading the EXGfilms blog. I’m too busy posting movie reviews that are too long and Filler.

55. The cat represents life because we are all being held by the arms of fate that are attached to the torso of our decisions and that torso is the torso of another cat which, oddly enough, represents the plight of minimum wage worker at Wendy’s.  So, in conclusion: A Cat is a hamburger.

56. J’ai besoin d’étudier à un examen français.

57. Sharks.

58. Sharks.

59. Sharks.

60. Sharks.

61. Sharks.

62. Sharks and Film.

63. Sharks.

64. Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream. SKIN REMOVAL CREAM! Skin. Removal. Cream. Skin Removal Cream? Skin Removal Cream! Skin Removal cream skin removal cram, skin, removal cream. Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream. SKIN. REMOVAL. CREAM. Skin, Removal, Cream, Skin, Removal, Cream. Skin Removal Cream; Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream: If it weren’t a product, it would BUY YOU! SKIN REMOVAL CREAM?!!!!

65. It is five o’ clock, and so Tea Time is over.

66. A Surprisingly coherent corpse, unlike a certain other one coming up.

67. One of the best of Moon-related sci-fis of 2009?

68. THERE ARE TOO MANY BEARS ON THIS BLOG.

69. ❦

70. Something (A Post).

71. Discouraging Words: Coming Summer of 2010.

72. Nom nom nom nomnom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM.

73. I don’t even care what the next post was, THERE WERE HAMSTERS IN THE LAST ONE.

74. Let’s see… Was there a tiger in this one? No, just time travel.

75.  Nathan Fillion: A Man of many talents. Like being both an astronaut and cowboy. Also, being pure evil’s right-hand man and an award-winning novelist.  Truly he accomplished more in a lifetime than any man can.

76. Nick Vogt: A Man whose cat might be a monster.

77. Trail of Terror?

78. I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s alright. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.  Lips as sweet as candy, your taste is on my mind. Girl, you got me thirstin’ for another cup of wine. Got a bug from you, girl, but I don’t need no cure. I just take your picture (?) If I can be sure. All the good times, when we’re all alone, keep up girl. Yeah, you turn me on. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me, oh yeah. All the good times, when we’re all alone. Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on I-I-I’m Hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me. I said I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love me. Yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling!

79. A whole new web is about to be spun, methinks.

80. Does this mean I might be the next Batman?

81. 100 Untitled pieces, most them involve things breaking.

82. Nathan Fillion: He also battle killer slugs from outer-space. Truly, he is a god.

83. Heart attacks.

• 84. OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!!! THIS MAKES FOUR! FOUR BEARS!!!
• 85. Beat yourself with a 2×4.
• 86. OooOooOooOOOO Castles. SpoOOOoOoooOOky.
• 87. But doesn’t that explain us all?
• 88. I’m thinking of being Everything next year for Halloween.
• 89. Towed away at owner’s expense.
• 90. Vvinni: I’m thinking of a wall now to block their thought beams.
• 91. I am Rea-Gan! I am-Rea-Gan!
• 92. Don’t even think about coming to rescue me because I’m probably dead.

93. I just made another letter which I baked in the oven with a honey glaze. It was for Christmas.

94. Sword of Doom: One of the best?

95. Why did you kill this Lawn Ornament?

96. Wagga wagga wagga.

97. You’re tearing me apart, Mummy and Robot.

98. Ronald Q. Metellus: Man of Mystery and probably Sandwiches.

99. Joss Whedon: I wish you luck in your ventures outside of the television box, for I shall be on your side when all comes crashing down.

100. I- Oh no. I… I’m going to have to start this post inside of this post now… uh Okay. Here goes: WTIVVVVIMVJVTYVIZVSIHMIPHVWYIIITIIRVEOSHIAETOOITCGNGEITJSSSSSSSSIAOT❦DNILNNTIAD1NHOBOBITVIDISWWYRJ. I-On. I…Igthtstpiotpn… uO. Hg:

WIVVMJTVZIMPVYITIVOHATOTGGIJSSSSZTDINTA1HBBTIIWYJ. I-o. I… I… u. H:

IMP TIVO HAT DIDN’T HAVE. I. I… H:

Adapt vivid, thine moth. I. H:

AVTMIH:

01000001010101100101010001001101010010010100100000111010

000000010000100010001000100

.    .   .   .   .

⠂⠄⠠⠤

⠦

∴

…

-

0

∅

And what's that? THEY ARE FIGHTING.

We know enter into the fray. Round 1: The Script.  Once Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot ended I thought to myself what the point of sitting through that was.  Of course, the same can be said about The Room and Troll 2.  The difference?  The Room made me want to tear my head off and… probably use it as a punch bowl that is thrown at a cactus… for science? The same can be said about Troll 2, except the punch bowl would probably my leg; still something I need, but not as useful as my head is.  After Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot I felt kind of sad.  Yes, there is an Aztec Mummy and it fights a Human Robot.  This would be a fantastic payoff, however one must sit through approximately an hour and a half of terribly expository dialogue to get to it.  Thus, by the time the prophecy was fulfilled I didn’t even want to see the Aztec Mummy fight the Human Robot, I just wanted to sleep in a warm bed or eat an ice cream cone.

The Human Robot

Round 2: Special Effects.  The Room has no special Effects.  What happened to Wiseau is a skin condition, and we shouldn’t laugh about it.  Troll 2 had puppet goblins that vomited green goo. One of the goblins could talk. One of their eyes could explode. All of them were used multiple times.  In Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot seemed to have taken the character design for the Goblins in Troll 2 and made a papier maché suit out of it.  The Human Robot was a man wearing a cardboard robot suit… a cardboard HUMAN robot suit.  Also, I’m pretty sure the robot’s arms were too long.

La Momia Azteca

Round 3: Lighting.  Enrique Wallace, Cinematographer for Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot, you just took a 1K light and shined it in the general direction of people.  That’s not cinematography, that’s just a waste of electricity.  Tod Barron, Cinematogrpher for The Room, you just saw an infomercial and decided light was that.  Giancarlo Ferrando… you work in Pornography, you have an excuse. Which of these three is worse?  I haven’t been making decisions for this entire post, why start now?

The Battle

Round 4: Acting. If the editor of Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot cut around all of the painful pauses for lines from the actors, then the movie would have been half as long.  Also, when you’re upstaged by Captain Cody vs. The Radar Men from the Moon you’ve got a problem.  As for Troll 2 and The Room, see my earlier comment regarding skulls, cacti, and science.  As a close to this short section: Luis Aceves Casteñeda, you’re Mexico’s answer to Orson Welles. Congratulations!

But enough of this prolonged banter, let’s get to the ranking between these three films.  Troll 2 still stands at the top: It was despicably bad, it was traumatizing to several children, and I HATE BOLOGNA. Next at the Number 2 spot is The Room: It was terribly incompetent, but it’s earnest and I feel sorry Mr. Wiseau and his relationship issues.  As for Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot: It shouldn’t have been made and I don’t think the world is any better because of its existence.  However, unlike the other two, the world isn’t worse off because of it.  So this goes around spot #25 or so (UPDATE: La Momia Azteca Contra el Robot Humano is no longer on the Bottom 100, but Troll 2 has made it back to #54 on The List).

So there, I’ve watched another bad movie and written something needlessly long about it.  This has been different from a Without the T’s because… I’m going to go get pictures of mummies and robots and perhaps make them fight in Photoshop. Goodbye.

Man v. Dog v. Bear

The Bear Continues to be fought.

Some may say a SUPERman.

Nick’s actually got three (that’s right THREE) blogs out there in the internet cloud, each of which provide a bit of insight into the very fascinating mind of Nicholas P. Vogt (Note: “P” may not actually be his middle name).  He doesn’t make movies, so I can’t show you clips, and I don’t think I can find any of his written work online (he’s a creative writing student). So instead, I will enhance this post with pertinent illustrations.

Ras Putin

Nick’s first blog is over now, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read it. It’s title is World Heroes.  It’s about the ongoing battle between good and evil, it’s about superheroes and supervillains, it’s about Buffy The Vampire Slayer, it’s about Disease and Junot Diaz.  What’s interesting about this blog, and in fact most of Nick’s blog, is how all of these themes intertwine like a complicated series of rivers, each flowing into and branching off one another to create a portrait of someone with very unique, but very well-defined tastes. World Heroes was for a class, and as such it is somewhat defined by exploring Superheroism and Villainism.  Due to this loose definition, it has been discontinued and Nick has moved on to…

NOT Elijah, but perhaps an Uncle.

Awesome Town! No, Nick isn’t the mayor of Awesome Town (after all, The Mayor is evil), but he IS the chief of fire safety.  Awesome town is Nick’s personal blog, and so he posts on any idea that pops into his head, and there are a lot of ideas that pop into his head.  There are only seven posts on the blog, so it’s short, but he just started posting on it again, focusing on Lemurs.  Specifically one named Elijah, who may or may not be a reincarnation of Buddah in Lemur form.  Awesome Town hasn’t been updating very often, but when it does it’s usually worth checking out.

Nick’s final blog is apparently a partnership with one Ronald Metellus, Emperor of Ice Cream (Whom I shall fight for at another time).  I’m not exactly sure what Nick will be posting on this new blog, entitled of course “The Blog of Ronald Metellus”.  But, he’s got a post there and he might have more. So check it out maybe?

Nick also has a radio show. I’m not sure what it is, or where it is, or how it is, but I know it exists. And, consarnnit isn’t that what matters?  Also, if you Tweet, you can Tweet with him at NicholasVogt. I occaisonally read it, and I find it entertaining.

The Green Lantern

Nick’s tastes range from Marvel Comics to Hip Hop to Animals to Food to Nicholas Cage, and he is a friend. He is a SUPERfriend.  So check him out, none of his blogs are very long. And if you don’t? Then I’ll fire at you with my gigantic SuperLaser located within the Hubble Telescope. Yes, I have control over it. I have control over a lot of things.

End Transmission.

This was written by The Ministry of Playwriting, which is a writing group that I head (And, yes, that does make me the Minister of Playwriting). We meet during the summers and winters in Fort Collins at Catalyst Coffee, and when we’re not meeting we work on what is called a “Corpse”. This is a short way of saying “Exquisite Corpse”, the surrealist writing exercise developed by André Brenton (based off of an old Parlour game) where a person writes or draws on something, and after a designated amount of time passes it on to another person who begins exactly where the story/drawing left off.

False Implications

This is perhaps the most coherent of all the corpses we’ve done, however it’s still rather rough due to the format of the corpse. However, I think it’s still neat. What about you? What do you think?

False Implications is a Ministry of Playwriting corpse written (in order) by Parker Cagle-Smith, Ethan Holbrook, Sean Cummings, Myself, Mikhail Twargowski, Paul Binkley, and Andrew Gingerich.

For more on sharks in film, I refer you to this clip from Deep Blue Sea:

I will also refer you to Shark Attack 3: Megalodon:

And finally, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus:

And so, as you can see, sharks are a staple in the film world, as is evidenced by Jaws, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Megalodon. Thank you.

Approximately 38 million sharks are harvested for their fins every year.  The sharks unlucky enough to be finned by fishers are still alive when captured, and still alive when they’re thrown back into the ocean without fins. These sharks either die of suffocation or are eaten up by other sharks.

Despite the best efforts of many nations shark population has dropped 80% over the last fifty years, with most of it attributed to shark finning. The shark finning industry is worth roughly 1.2 billion US dollars, and has perhaps added many species of shark (including the Basking Shark, Great White, and Whale Shark) on or near the endangered species list.

Shark Finning is an international problem, and the best weapon against it is knowledge. Because Knowledge is power.