Death of a Porcupine

I like you as an art director and a production designer, and I think you’ve got some fantastic style and instincts.

This being said, I do not think you are not a good director.  I believe that you’re rather limited by the work you choose to do and the artists you choose to surround yourself with.  You are also not a writer.  None of your written work has much of a conflict and as such it doesn’t have a character arch.  This would be all well and good if this were the point, but if you meant it to be you also didn’t write that well as your films TRY to have conflict but fail.  For examples, I point to Be Kind, Rewind and your short film La Lettre.

I’d say your most successful film so far has been Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind, and I think this is because you were working with a script by Master screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. So, you’re capable of making good work you just need to attach yourself to a very good script. So how will The Green Hornet turn out?  I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I want to like you, Mr. Gondry, but I’m just not sure I can.

Vvinni J. Gagnepain

This first one is a project Andrew Gingerich and I shot last summer when we were trying to decide on a movie to watch, and instead decided to make this.  Remember Skin Removal Cream? Well that was for this same project. Enjoy!

Next is a commercial for Drunk Button, the button that makes you instantaneously drunk!  This is apparently for a multi-media play that’ll be showing in Santa Fe in the near future.

And finally… RRRR? That’s on the internet? Well okay, I guess this’ll work I guess. RRRR is from my Sophomore year of High School. It’s about Scrabble and the end of the world and… oranges maybe?

So there.  And, no, I’m not a one-dimensional actor.  Why would say that?  I’M THE GREATEST IN ALL THE WORLD!

I’ve already gone into a lengthy look into whether or not Troll 2 is truly “The Worst Movie Ever”, however there are a few observations I’d like to make after seeing Best Worst Movie:

George Hardy: Also known as Farmer Waits, George now spends his time in his home state of Alabama practicing dentistry.  Of course, he never stopped practicing dentistry.  Even when filming Troll 2 he was practicing dentistry during the week.  But I digress. What really struck about seeing the real George Hardy, is that he really is a dentist.  What I mean by this is, when you’re getting your teeth cleaned your dentist makes small talk with you, generally about whatever field your involved with (for me and many filmmaking friends, they’re talking about what they liked about various movies they’ve seen, or ideas for a script they had, etc.).  However, what is truly fascinating is that they always remain a dentist.  They cannot, no matter how much they want to, escape from their toothy world no matter how neat and nice of people they may be.  And that perfectly describes George Hardy: A Dentist.

Want some... Joshua fffffffffffffffffffff

Claudio Fragasso: The director of such Italian classics as Evil Dead 5, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, Zombie 4: After Death, and Troll 2.  Fragasso continues working in the Italian Film industry, with his latest film coming out October 9th of this year titled Le Ultime 56 Ore.  In my previous post comparing Troll 2 and The Room, I conceded that Troll 2 was the worse film because it was the more despicably shot film.  I still feel this way after seeing a bit of Fragasso in life: The man is despicable.  Firstly, he calls his actors dogs.  As if actors cannot present any useful ideas themselves, but rather must blindly follow the director in his whims. Also, during the filming of Troll 2, Fragasso told all of the American actors that he knew English better than them.  He also told Connie Young (Who played Holly Waits) that he knew more about being an American preteen girl than she did, Connie at the time being an American Preteen Girl.  Fragasso also has this type of God complex about Troll 2, he assumes that when people tell him that Troll 2 is great that they actually mean it’s on par with such cinematic classics as Casablanca, Chinatown, or Fargo (This is clearly not the case.  If you think it is the case, I kindly show you the exit door to my website domain).

Grandpa Seth: His real name is Robert Ormsby, and he’s surprisingly depressing.  There’s an extended sequence in Best Worst Movie where Ormsby is talking about his life has been really unfulfilling and bleak, and it is incredibly sad. I’m sorry, Mr. Ormsby.  Please don’t be sad.

What I found very interesting about Best Worst Movie is that everyone involved with Troll 2 (Except the crew, many of whom still cannot speak English.  Most of whom cannot speak English very well) tried everything they could to run away from it.  However, much like the cursed blood of Duncan, they cannot clear the stigma of Troll 2.  And thus, how do they continue as human beings?  This problem is also seen with the cast of Star Trek, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, and perhaps even Johnny Depp.  Certain performances or characters become so iconic, that no matter how hard they try to escape, their tombstones will read “Troll 2″ “Luke Skywalker” “Mr. Spock” and “That Wacky Guy from Tim Burton’s Films”.  What seems inevitable, is that everyone must come back to their iconic performances and embrace it as part of who they are.

In closing: Deborah Reed (Credence Leonore Gielgud, or The Goblin Witch, or That Girl You Want To Kill Every Time She Shows Up On Screen) still remains a mystery.  And that is a problem for me.

Firstly, the numbers:

This marks the 104th post. As of its writing there have been a total of 183 comments on The Great and Powerful Henceblog.  This is balanced out by the fact that there have been about 4,190 Spam comments made.

All in all, the comments on The Great and Powerful Henceblog average out to 94% spam and 6% Legitimate (This is, however, a massive improvement over where we were in the middle of the year).

The month where the most Legitimate comments were made was October with 43. The month where the most Spam comments were made was May with 794.

The Great and Powerful Henceblog has 17 Categories and 61 Tags.  We now move away from what may appear as a guilt trip, and onto much more fun areas.

Such as: The Most popular posts (with 7 comments each):

1) About Film, Time, and Pumas

2) A Letter to Mr. Whedon

3) Halloween: A Retrospective

4) Without the T’s: Slither

Now on to the most viewed films of mine in 2009:

1) Disfigurement Man: The Fear Wake

2) Skin Removal Cream

3) Lamplight Breakfast on a Burning Kitten

4) Coo Coo Clam and the Gravity Brigade

5) Deadisode 8

The most used tags are: Video (34), Things Better Than Hobgoblins (22), Kaboom! (19), Misco (17), Past (14), Discussion (14).

The least used tags are: Birthday Funtime! (1), Crustaceans (2), FAT (2), RO-BOT (2), Wind- (2).

The most useless posts are:

1) Filler

2) This one

3) A Letter to Mr. Perez

And so, to close: Here is 2009 in a picture:

]]> http://www.henceforthproductions.com/henceblog/archives/922/feed 2 http://www.henceforthproductions.com/henceblog/archives/838 http://www.henceforthproductions.com/henceblog/archives/838#comments Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:46:46 +0000 Vv http://www.henceforthproductions.com/henceblog/?p=838 This is it, internet.  I have made a footprint in your soft soil that will someday become a mighty canyon due to soil erosion and overdevelopment.  I have posted one hundred things n this here Great and Powerful Henceblog.

Here are what I remember of the previous one hundred posts:

1. We’re still not eating pie.

2. The relationship between Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman is still… being researched.

3. I’m still looking, Mr. Icke. I’m still looking.

4. Vvinni: Episode 1 was just too long.

5. Vvinni: Episode 2 was even longer.

6. Vvinni: Really? Posting three all at once?  You could have saved some.

7. Vvinni: Now you’re just running out of ideas.

8. IMdB is much more Puppy now. And thank God for that.

9. Mr Coyne: You are still groovy as Hell. Never forget that, will you?

10. Vvinni: Nobody watches these, you know.

11. JCVD: One of the year’s best?  Certainly one of Van Damme’s Best.

12. Vvinni: I like your hat.

13. The birds still want to eat the noodles, but they never will.

14. You know, Mr. Gaiman?  I think I’m seeing a common motif in your work.

15. Vvinni: YOU’RE MIXING PLASTICS WITH GLASS.

16. It’s almost time for my Yupd!

17. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. Beyond 2001, Beyond 2010, Beyond Love, Beyond Death.

18. Vvinni: We’re going back to the graveyard.

19. Shopping Penguin? Shopping Penguin.

20. I gave it  the “Lizards” tag because the Dream-Eating monster is only able to use the reptilian part of his brain. I AM WITTY.

21. He-Yah! We gotta save the farm, rope those… cows…

22. My other documentary was about carpet.

23. It’s changed in ways you can never imagine.

24. PEA SOUP?!

25. Hello.

26. Vvinni: It makes me feel kind of bad I haven’t been having as many adventures this semester.

27. Worship me as a God.

28. YOU’RE TERING ME APART, LISA!

29. It’s still dripping blood all over my floor.

30. I left off here.

31. I picked it back up here.

32. Then I got shot by some bullets.

33. It’s cold inside, you’ll have to wear a cape.

34. I feel I’ve made much more intriguing work than what I did Freshman year.

35. Really? This is when the quest began?  And I haven’t picked it back up until… a few weeks ago?  I am NOT doing a good job questing.

36. Vvinni: You’re trying to hard. Stop it.

37. Exploding Goldfish Films. Check them out, why don’t you?

38. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BEAR!!!!

39. See. This is a documentary about Carpet!

40. Help! It took six months to make this!

41. I kill you both.

42. Andrew did this, I have nothing to say about it.

43. Eggs: A common motif of mine.

44. The world would melt were it made of cheese.

45. OH DEAR GOD IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!

46. One of the best of 1991?

47. I got the problem fixed, but now I can’t see my tongue.

48. That’s definitely a Bear.

49. Chickens, Money omelets, and axe-wielding.

50. Gum: It’s really a disappointment nowadays.

51. No, Bicycles!

52. Goodbye.

53. Ethan Holbrook: He Travels through time and Astronauts.

54. If you want to know more about Discouraging Words, then you should be reading the EXGfilms blog. I’m too busy posting movie reviews that are too long and Filler.

55. The cat represents life because we are all being held by the arms of fate that are attached to the torso of our decisions and that torso is the torso of another cat which, oddly enough, represents the plight of minimum wage worker at Wendy’s.  So, in conclusion: A Cat is a hamburger.

56. J’ai besoin d’étudier à un examen français.

57. Sharks.

58. Sharks.

59. Sharks.

60. Sharks.

61. Sharks.

62. Sharks and Film.

63. Sharks.

64. Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream. SKIN REMOVAL CREAM! Skin. Removal. Cream. Skin Removal Cream? Skin Removal Cream! Skin Removal cream skin removal cram, skin, removal cream. Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream. SKIN. REMOVAL. CREAM. Skin, Removal, Cream, Skin, Removal, Cream. Skin Removal Cream; Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream: If it weren’t a product, it would BUY YOU! SKIN REMOVAL CREAM?!!!!

65. It is five o’ clock, and so Tea Time is over.

66. A Surprisingly coherent corpse, unlike a certain other one coming up.

67. One of the best of Moon-related sci-fis of 2009?

68. THERE ARE TOO MANY BEARS ON THIS BLOG.

69. ❦

70. Something (A Post).

71. Discouraging Words: Coming Summer of 2010.

72. Nom nom nom nomnom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM.

73. I don’t even care what the next post was, THERE WERE HAMSTERS IN THE LAST ONE.

74. Let’s see… Was there a tiger in this one? No, just time travel.

75.  Nathan Fillion: A Man of many talents. Like being both an astronaut and cowboy. Also, being pure evil’s right-hand man and an award-winning novelist.  Truly he accomplished more in a lifetime than any man can.

76. Nick Vogt: A Man whose cat might be a monster.

77. Trail of Terror?

78. I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s alright. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.  Lips as sweet as candy, your taste is on my mind. Girl, you got me thirstin’ for another cup of wine. Got a bug from you, girl, but I don’t need no cure. I just take your picture (?) If I can be sure. All the good times, when we’re all alone, keep up girl. Yeah, you turn me on. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me, oh yeah. All the good times, when we’re all alone. Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on I-I-I’m Hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me. I said I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love me. Yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling!

79. A whole new web is about to be spun, methinks.

80. Does this mean I might be the next Batman?

81. 100 Untitled pieces, most them involve things breaking.

82. Nathan Fillion: He also battle killer slugs from outer-space. Truly, he is a god.

83. Heart attacks.

• 84. OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!!! THIS MAKES FOUR! FOUR BEARS!!!
• 85. Beat yourself with a 2×4.
• 86. OooOooOooOOOO Castles. SpoOOOoOoooOOky.
• 87. But doesn’t that explain us all?
• 88. I’m thinking of being Everything next year for Halloween.
• 89. Towed away at owner’s expense.
• 90. Vvinni: I’m thinking of a wall now to block their thought beams.
• 91. I am Rea-Gan! I am-Rea-Gan!
• 92. Don’t even think about coming to rescue me because I’m probably dead.

93. I just made another letter which I baked in the oven with a honey glaze. It was for Christmas.

94. Sword of Doom: One of the best?

95. Why did you kill this Lawn Ornament?

96. Wagga wagga wagga.

97. You’re tearing me apart, Mummy and Robot.

98. Ronald Q. Metellus: Man of Mystery and probably Sandwiches.

99. Joss Whedon: I wish you luck in your ventures outside of the television box, for I shall be on your side when all comes crashing down.

100. I- Oh no. I… I’m going to have to start this post inside of this post now… uh Okay. Here goes: WTIVVVVIMVJVTYVIZVSIHMIPHVWYIIITIIRVEOSHIAETOOITCGNGEITJSSSSSSSSIAOT❦DNILNNTIAD1NHOBOBITVIDISWWYRJ. I-On. I…Igthtstpiotpn… uO. Hg:

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Adapt vivid, thine moth. I. H:

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1. Bears.

2. Squid.

3. The Past Pluperfect.

4. Chainsaws.

5. Unicorns (They have shifty eyes).

6. Castles.

7. Tiny cars.

8. Breast Cancer.

9. Vampire Ravens wielding six-shooters.

10. Black Holes.

11. Bears holding chainsaws.

12. Squid Castle.

13. White Castle.

14. SPIKE TV.

15. Bears Holding Chainsaws in Tiny Cars.

16. Children.

17. Baby Seals with Knives.

18. No Life Insurance.

19. Milk.

20. Bloodletting.

21. Depression.

22. The Present Progressive.

23. Unicorn with Diabetes (They still have shifty eyes).

24. Rasputin.

25. Spiders on Motorcycles.

26. Ravens piloting a giant robot.

27. Sarah Palin.

28. That Gremlin on the side of the plane.

29. The Fearsome Mare of Germanic Folklore.

30. The Apocalypse.

31. The Unicorn Apocalypse (There are a lot of shifty eyes).

32. Bear holding chainsaw driving a tiny car without life insurance.

33. The green grass that grows all around all around, the green grass that grows all around.

34. Eyes.

35. Ignorance: The Most Horrifying Thing of All.

36. Ground Beef Monster.

37. Evil Lincoln.

38.  The Homeless.

39. The Room

40. Giant Leeches.

41. Vespa made of Knives.

42. Ghosts of nonexistent words that haunt your thoughts and eat your dreams.

43. The Scissormen of Orqwith.

44. Jack the Ripper.

45. Hideous Mutant Mind-Bug.

46. Phobos

47. Homeless Bears holding chainsaws while driving tiny cars without life insurance.

48. Twilight

49. Millipedes… FROM SPACE!

50. Gorilla with a mission.

51. Apocalypse Now as reenacted by Tommy Wiseau.

52. A Dangling Participle.

53. The Face-Melting stare of an angry rodent.

54. Undead Whales.

55. Joseph Stalin after three years in the Vietnamese wilderness.

56. Cheetos.

57. A Hallway with many doors. Each door leads to antoher hallways with even more doors that lead to other hallways.  At the end of all of the hallways there is a statue with a key in its mouth. The statue has eyes as large as saucer plates, and when you reach into the mouth for the key a trap door opens beneath you. You are in CELLAR, you have FLASHLIGHT. Use FLASHLIGHT?

58. The true face of the Hellmouth.

59. White Bread.

60. Unicorn tennis (Shifty eyes, all following a golden ball).

61. Zombie Raven Apocalypse.

62. The Blob that ate EVERYTHING.

63. Prof. Moriarty with an indestructible iron fist.

64. A Rubbish Heap.

65. Flaming Squid.

66. An Explosion.

67. Homeless Bear holding a chainsaw and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

68. The wrath of ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ.

69. A Typewriter with a face.

70. The Fiend without a Face.

71. Vampire Lincoln

72. The Lizard People.

73. The Molemen.

74. The Greys.

75. Smiles.

76. KHAN!!!

77. Gorgo: Godzilla of Ireland.

78. Godzilla: Godzilla of Godzillaland.

79. Godzilla Junior: Nothing should look like that.

80. The Fifth Horseman: Destruction.

81. The Painting that Ate Paris.

82. Three Peaches. Not two, not four, but THREE.

83. A Smiling Homeless Bear wielding a chainsaw and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

84. Ghost Robot.

85. The idea of One that goes against the Timecube®

86. Cats with access to Nuclear Technology.

87. William the Bloody.

88. Jory.

89. The Power to Make Hens Bleed.

90. Bleeding Hens.

91. Helios’ mighty lantern The Sun.

92. Fire, and lots of it!

93. Song and Dance Sequences.

94. An Unhealthy Breakfast.

95. Flaming Unicorns (The Fire makes their eyes bug out).

96. Smiling homeless bear wielding a chainsaw that cuts through space and time and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

97. History’s Greatest Villain: Shao Kahn.

98. Knife of fire, lathe of ice.

99. Smiling homeless bear wielding a chainsaw that cuts through space and time and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance over the green grass that grows all around all around over the green grass that grows all around.

100. The ever increasing void of infinity which forever grows but never expands as it slowly swallows the shadow universe where memories are stored as a thousand screaming cranes. Each crane owns three wagons and each wagon contains four heads of lettuce.  Within our universe these lettuces are known as the The Id, The Superid, The Post-Id, and the Anti-Lettuce, and each of these forces work within their own ways to consume our thoughts and make our hearts turn into vegetables (lettuce, mainly).  However, the lettuce is a spine and the spine is a car which drives down the dark eel infested road of eternity as life fades into a twinkling glimmer on the horizon and infinity swallows and expands evermore, but never grows.

Nevertheless, it’s a neat photo-blog of horrible monstrosities some call food.  It has brought some such things as the Hot Pocket Sandwhich, Velveeta Fudge, Deep Fried Bacon Encrusted Pork Rinds, and of course the Taco Burger.  If you like terrible food like I know I do, then you should check it out.  If you don’t, I can’t fight you over it, but I can SPITE you.  I can spite you with a knife of silence and the poison of shame.

Recently a new item was posted on This is Why You’re Fat, an item that needs the harsh green light of the internet shining on it.  Some call it “El Niño”, Some a product of human ingenuity, some mankind’s downfall.  I’ll let you be the judge.

We Did It.

Just in case you can’t tell, That’s ground beet, onions, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheddar cheese wrapped up inside of a pepperoni pizza.  It weighs three pounds.  It costs one life.

Slither is a film about a comet hat crashes into the small town of Wheelsy and unleashes a slug-like blob creaure, which promptly shoots a dart into one of the richest residens and turns him into a massive squid-like alien creature wih the power to impregnate people with slug, turn others into zombies, and mold with the zombies into one giganic, hideous, pulsating, monsrosity.  It’s also about Family Fun Day.

A Film Wrien and Direced by James Gunn

When going into Slither, I was expecting a fun horror-comedy starring Nathan Fillion. I certainly wasn’ disappointed, especially on the Nathan Fillion front.

And hat’s where we’ll sart, mainly because I want to write “Nahan Fillion” some more.  So here we go: Acting.  The acting was rather good.  They all believed in what they were saying, a step many <genre>-comedy directors overlook bu also the most imporant, and they were able to make the spectaor believe in an absoluely ridiculous siuation.  Also, Nathan Fillion is always a pleasure.  Fillion has excellent delivery, timing, and I’d say tha Slither wouldn’t be he movie it is wihout him.  Yes, everybody does a fine job, but withou Fillion this movie would be different. Very different. Nathan Fillion.

Ono non-Nathan Fillion aspects of the film, let’s go wih… writing.  Slither begins with a great discussion between two small-town sheriffs (One of them Nathan Fillion) about esimating the speed of a whippoorwill.  It’s a fantasic dialogue hat was writen spot-on.  Sadly, he rest of the movie doesn’t have the same meandering back-and-forth this opening dialogue had; it comes back in certain lines, but he writing turns instead to people exploding into slugs and zombies being controlled by the Moher-Squid.  This isn’ bad, but think of what it would have been if we had BOTH charming back-and-forth dialogue and exploding-slug-zombies.  I’d say it would be like Shaun of the Dead, and Shaun of the Dead was a very good film.  Nathan Fillion.

Some more noes on the script: 1) It was writen by the same man who wrote the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead, which worked as a comedy but no so much as a movie.  I feel Slither has a very similar vibe  as Dawn of the Dead, however Gunn is improving (perhaps due to the addition of Nathan Fillion?).  Slither is a horror-comedy movie, however it doesn’t rise above hat.  2) Here is a character whose sole purpose is to explain the alien’s evil plot.  Unlike I’ve done in the pas, I’m not going to criticize Slither on this.  Why, you emphatically scream at your compuer screen?  Because this type of a character I feel is part of this horror sub-genre, and perhaps even of the horror genre.  We’ve seen it muliple other imes in the form of an old lady, the guy who survived last movie, a criminal psychologist, the guy who is number three or four on the death list (I suppose 3 is he quirky comic relief or the “other girl character”, isn’t it?), or Nathan Fillion (I’m just kidding, Nathan Fillion CAN’T die).

So wha more can I say about Slither?  Or Nathan Fillion?  Well, Slither also employs a major filmic technique of… oh. You’re sleeping?  Well I wouldn’t do hat if I were you, because he kills you in your sleep.  But I will move o the end and give my grade:

I probably should be a "C", bu somehing sopped me.

Slither is an average movie, but it has certain gems in it: Nathan Fillion, the opening dialogue, oher scatered lines, and Nathan Fillion.  I think tha about wraps it up, so… have a spooOOOooOoooky October. Please. If you don’t, I won’ get paid.  Also: Nathan Fillion.

Shark Fin Soup is made the same way any soup is, I suppose: Boil up some broth and ingredients, add some sharks’ fins, mushrooms, and other items to add flavor. The main difficulty with this soup is its titular ingredient: The Fin of a Shark.

The Fin is first removed from the shark, and then processed by removing the skin and trimming down to shape. After this the fin is left out to dry for a while, but before this hydrogen peroxide may be added to give the fin a more appetizing color.  If you are purchasing a shark fin from a marketplace you can purchase it in two different forms: Frozen or dried.  The frozen fins are ready to be cooked after an hour of soaking/thawing, the dried fins take a longer time for preparation what with more soaking (for the fins to regain moisture) and then further preparation in the cooking process to add flavor and texture.

Maybe there aren't mushrooms.

And yet how safe is this soup? Isn’t it inhumane to cut the fins off sharks for a specialty soup enjoyed mainly for its “exotic” nature? Join me tomorrow as I dig into the dangerous and underground trade of shark finning.