I like you as an art director and a production designer, and I think you’ve got some fantastic style and instincts.

This being said, I do not think you are not a good director.  I believe that you’re rather limited by the work you choose to do and the artists you choose to surround yourself with.  You are also not a writer.  None of your written work has much of a conflict and as such it doesn’t have a character arch.  This would be all well and good if this were the point, but if you meant it to be you also didn’t write that well as your films TRY to have conflict but fail.  For examples, I point to Be Kind, Rewind and your short film La Lettre.

I’d say your most successful film so far has been Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind, and I think this is because you were working with a script by Master screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. So, you’re capable of making good work you just need to attach yourself to a very good script. So how will The Green Hornet turn out?  I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I want to like you, Mr. Gondry, but I’m just not sure I can.

Vvinni J. Gagnepain

I am posting from the Denver International Airport.  I am sorry to say that I have not seen any escaped children refugees, but I think the TSA guy might have eaten a fly.  But I’m still looking, Mr. Icke, I’ll always be looking.

Sincerely,

Vvinni J. Gagnepain

1. Quetzal

2. Quark

3. Queer

4. Quasar

5. Quiz

6. Quill

7. Quiche

8. Quagmire

9. Quail

10. QED

11. Quick

12. Quid

13. Quell

14. Quip

15. Quintuple

16. Quarantine

17. Quiff

18. Quay

19. Quickly

20. Qatar

21. Queen

22. Quart

23. Quern

24. Quo

25. Quack

26. Queasy

27. Qua

28. Quicksand

29. Quit

30. Qi

31. Quintuplets

32. Quadrangle

33. Quizogy

34. Query

35. Quadratic

36. Quadruple

37. Quad

38. Quint

39. Quaint

40. Qing

41. Quadrant

42. Quantum

43. Quilt

44. Quito

45. Quench

46. Quicker

47. Quacking

48. Quarantined

49. Quesadilla

50. Question

51. Questioning

52. Quest

53. Quetzalcoatl

54. Queue

55. Quicksilver

56. Quinoa

57. Quiver

58. Quitter

59. Queller

60. Quadric

61. Quintic

62. Quadruped

63. Quintoped

64. Questionnaire

65. Quilter

66. Quarto

67. Quacky

68. Quote

69. Quotation

70. Quotable

71. Questionable

72. Quenchable

73. Queried

74. Quatrain

75. Queenly

76. Qualm

77. Quicken

78. Quantity

79. Quantify

80. Quantic

81. Quartz

82. Quitting

83. Quantification

84. Quality

85. Quilting

86. Quelling

87. Queasiness

88. Queenliness

89. Quebec

90. Quebecois

91. Quintessential

92. Quiet

93. Quainter

94. Quirky

95. Quirk

96. Quested

97. Quixotic

98. Quotient

99. Quota

100. Quibble

Les Lesons du Francais

Here are what I remember of the previous one hundred posts:

1. We’re still not eating pie.

2. The relationship between Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman is still… being researched.

3. I’m still looking, Mr. Icke. I’m still looking.

4. Vvinni: Episode 1 was just too long.

5. Vvinni: Episode 2 was even longer.

6. Vvinni: Really? Posting three all at once?  You could have saved some.

7. Vvinni: Now you’re just running out of ideas.

8. IMdB is much more Puppy now. And thank God for that.

9. Mr Coyne: You are still groovy as Hell. Never forget that, will you?

10. Vvinni: Nobody watches these, you know.

11. JCVD: One of the year’s best?  Certainly one of Van Damme’s Best.

12. Vvinni: I like your hat.

13. The birds still want to eat the noodles, but they never will.

14. You know, Mr. Gaiman?  I think I’m seeing a common motif in your work.

15. Vvinni: YOU’RE MIXING PLASTICS WITH GLASS.

16. It’s almost time for my Yupd!

17. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. Beyond 2001, Beyond 2010, Beyond Love, Beyond Death.

18. Vvinni: We’re going back to the graveyard.

19. Shopping Penguin? Shopping Penguin.

20. I gave it  the “Lizards” tag because the Dream-Eating monster is only able to use the reptilian part of his brain. I AM WITTY.

21. He-Yah! We gotta save the farm, rope those… cows…

22. My other documentary was about carpet.

23. It’s changed in ways you can never imagine.

24. PEA SOUP?!

25. Hello.

26. Vvinni: It makes me feel kind of bad I haven’t been having as many adventures this semester.

27. Worship me as a God.

28. YOU’RE TERING ME APART, LISA!

29. It’s still dripping blood all over my floor.

30. I left off here.

31. I picked it back up here.

32. Then I got shot by some bullets.

33. It’s cold inside, you’ll have to wear a cape.

34. I feel I’ve made much more intriguing work than what I did Freshman year.

35. Really? This is when the quest began?  And I haven’t picked it back up until… a few weeks ago?  I am NOT doing a good job questing.

36. Vvinni: You’re trying to hard. Stop it.

37. Exploding Goldfish Films. Check them out, why don’t you?

38. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BEAR!!!!

39. See. This is a documentary about Carpet!

40. Help! It took six months to make this!

41. I kill you both.

42. Andrew did this, I have nothing to say about it.

43. Eggs: A common motif of mine.

44. The world would melt were it made of cheese.

45. OH DEAR GOD IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!

46. One of the best of 1991?

47. I got the problem fixed, but now I can’t see my tongue.

48. That’s definitely a Bear.

49. Chickens, Money omelets, and axe-wielding.

50. Gum: It’s really a disappointment nowadays.

51. No, Bicycles!

52. Goodbye.

53. Ethan Holbrook: He Travels through time and Astronauts.

54. If you want to know more about Discouraging Words, then you should be reading the EXGfilms blog. I’m too busy posting movie reviews that are too long and Filler.

55. The cat represents life because we are all being held by the arms of fate that are attached to the torso of our decisions and that torso is the torso of another cat which, oddly enough, represents the plight of minimum wage worker at Wendy’s.  So, in conclusion: A Cat is a hamburger.

56. J’ai besoin d’étudier à un examen français.

57. Sharks.

58. Sharks.

59. Sharks.

60. Sharks.

61. Sharks.

62. Sharks and Film.

63. Sharks.

64. Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream. SKIN REMOVAL CREAM! Skin. Removal. Cream. Skin Removal Cream? Skin Removal Cream! Skin Removal cream skin removal cram, skin, removal cream. Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream. SKIN. REMOVAL. CREAM. Skin, Removal, Cream, Skin, Removal, Cream. Skin Removal Cream; Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream: If it weren’t a product, it would BUY YOU! SKIN REMOVAL CREAM?!!!!

65. It is five o’ clock, and so Tea Time is over.

66. A Surprisingly coherent corpse, unlike a certain other one coming up.

67. One of the best of Moon-related sci-fis of 2009?

68. THERE ARE TOO MANY BEARS ON THIS BLOG.

69. ❦

70. Something (A Post).

71. Discouraging Words: Coming Summer of 2010.

72. Nom nom nom nomnom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM.

73. I don’t even care what the next post was, THERE WERE HAMSTERS IN THE LAST ONE.

74. Let’s see… Was there a tiger in this one? No, just time travel.

75.  Nathan Fillion: A Man of many talents. Like being both an astronaut and cowboy. Also, being pure evil’s right-hand man and an award-winning novelist.  Truly he accomplished more in a lifetime than any man can.

76. Nick Vogt: A Man whose cat might be a monster.

77. Trail of Terror?

78. I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s alright. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.  Lips as sweet as candy, your taste is on my mind. Girl, you got me thirstin’ for another cup of wine. Got a bug from you, girl, but I don’t need no cure. I just take your picture (?) If I can be sure. All the good times, when we’re all alone, keep up girl. Yeah, you turn me on. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me, oh yeah. All the good times, when we’re all alone. Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on I-I-I’m Hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me. I said I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love me. Yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling!

79. A whole new web is about to be spun, methinks.

80. Does this mean I might be the next Batman?

81. 100 Untitled pieces, most them involve things breaking.

82. Nathan Fillion: He also battle killer slugs from outer-space. Truly, he is a god.

83. Heart attacks.

• 84. OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!!! THIS MAKES FOUR! FOUR BEARS!!!
• 85. Beat yourself with a 2×4.
• 86. OooOooOooOOOO Castles. SpoOOOoOoooOOky.
• 87. But doesn’t that explain us all?
• 88. I’m thinking of being Everything next year for Halloween.
• 89. Towed away at owner’s expense.
• 90. Vvinni: I’m thinking of a wall now to block their thought beams.
• 91. I am Rea-Gan! I am-Rea-Gan!
• 92. Don’t even think about coming to rescue me because I’m probably dead.

93. I just made another letter which I baked in the oven with a honey glaze. It was for Christmas.

94. Sword of Doom: One of the best?

95. Why did you kill this Lawn Ornament?

96. Wagga wagga wagga.

97. You’re tearing me apart, Mummy and Robot.

98. Ronald Q. Metellus: Man of Mystery and probably Sandwiches.

99. Joss Whedon: I wish you luck in your ventures outside of the television box, for I shall be on your side when all comes crashing down.

100. I- Oh no. I… I’m going to have to start this post inside of this post now… uh Okay. Here goes: WTIVVVVIMVJVTYVIZVSIHMIPHVWYIIITIIRVEOSHIAETOOITCGNGEITJSSSSSSSSIAOT❦DNILNNTIAD1NHOBOBITVIDISWWYRJ. I-On. I…Igthtstpiotpn… uO. Hg:

WIVVMJTVZIMPVYITIVOHATOTGGIJSSSSZTDINTA1HBBTIIWYJ. I-o. I… I… u. H:

IMP TIVO HAT DIDN’T HAVE. I. I… H:

Adapt vivid, thine moth. I. H:

AVTMIH:

01000001010101100101010001001101010010010100100000111010

000000010000100010001000100

.    .   .   .   .

⠂⠄⠠⠤

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…

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∅

1. Bears.

2. Squid.

3. The Past Pluperfect.

4. Chainsaws.

5. Unicorns (They have shifty eyes).

6. Castles.

7. Tiny cars.

8. Breast Cancer.

9. Vampire Ravens wielding six-shooters.

10. Black Holes.

11. Bears holding chainsaws.

12. Squid Castle.

13. White Castle.

14. SPIKE TV.

15. Bears Holding Chainsaws in Tiny Cars.

16. Children.

17. Baby Seals with Knives.

18. No Life Insurance.

19. Milk.

20. Bloodletting.

21. Depression.

22. The Present Progressive.

23. Unicorn with Diabetes (They still have shifty eyes).

24. Rasputin.

25. Spiders on Motorcycles.

26. Ravens piloting a giant robot.

27. Sarah Palin.

28. That Gremlin on the side of the plane.

29. The Fearsome Mare of Germanic Folklore.

30. The Apocalypse.

31. The Unicorn Apocalypse (There are a lot of shifty eyes).

32. Bear holding chainsaw driving a tiny car without life insurance.

33. The green grass that grows all around all around, the green grass that grows all around.

34. Eyes.

35. Ignorance: The Most Horrifying Thing of All.

36. Ground Beef Monster.

37. Evil Lincoln.

38.  The Homeless.

39. The Room

40. Giant Leeches.

41. Vespa made of Knives.

42. Ghosts of nonexistent words that haunt your thoughts and eat your dreams.

43. The Scissormen of Orqwith.

44. Jack the Ripper.

45. Hideous Mutant Mind-Bug.

46. Phobos

47. Homeless Bears holding chainsaws while driving tiny cars without life insurance.

48. Twilight

49. Millipedes… FROM SPACE!

50. Gorilla with a mission.

51. Apocalypse Now as reenacted by Tommy Wiseau.

52. A Dangling Participle.

53. The Face-Melting stare of an angry rodent.

54. Undead Whales.

55. Joseph Stalin after three years in the Vietnamese wilderness.

56. Cheetos.

57. A Hallway with many doors. Each door leads to antoher hallways with even more doors that lead to other hallways.  At the end of all of the hallways there is a statue with a key in its mouth. The statue has eyes as large as saucer plates, and when you reach into the mouth for the key a trap door opens beneath you. You are in CELLAR, you have FLASHLIGHT. Use FLASHLIGHT?

58. The true face of the Hellmouth.

59. White Bread.

60. Unicorn tennis (Shifty eyes, all following a golden ball).

61. Zombie Raven Apocalypse.

62. The Blob that ate EVERYTHING.

63. Prof. Moriarty with an indestructible iron fist.

64. A Rubbish Heap.

65. Flaming Squid.

66. An Explosion.

67. Homeless Bear holding a chainsaw and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

68. The wrath of ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ.

69. A Typewriter with a face.

70. The Fiend without a Face.

71. Vampire Lincoln

72. The Lizard People.

73. The Molemen.

74. The Greys.

75. Smiles.

76. KHAN!!!

77. Gorgo: Godzilla of Ireland.

78. Godzilla: Godzilla of Godzillaland.

79. Godzilla Junior: Nothing should look like that.

80. The Fifth Horseman: Destruction.

81. The Painting that Ate Paris.

82. Three Peaches. Not two, not four, but THREE.

83. A Smiling Homeless Bear wielding a chainsaw and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

84. Ghost Robot.

85. The idea of One that goes against the Timecube®

86. Cats with access to Nuclear Technology.

87. William the Bloody.

88. Jory.

89. The Power to Make Hens Bleed.

90. Bleeding Hens.

91. Helios’ mighty lantern The Sun.

92. Fire, and lots of it!

93. Song and Dance Sequences.

94. An Unhealthy Breakfast.

95. Flaming Unicorns (The Fire makes their eyes bug out).

96. Smiling homeless bear wielding a chainsaw that cuts through space and time and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance.

97. History’s Greatest Villain: Shao Kahn.

98. Knife of fire, lathe of ice.

99. Smiling homeless bear wielding a chainsaw that cuts through space and time and drinking milk while driving a tiny car without life insurance over the green grass that grows all around all around over the green grass that grows all around.

100. The ever increasing void of infinity which forever grows but never expands as it slowly swallows the shadow universe where memories are stored as a thousand screaming cranes. Each crane owns three wagons and each wagon contains four heads of lettuce.  Within our universe these lettuces are known as the The Id, The Superid, The Post-Id, and the Anti-Lettuce, and each of these forces work within their own ways to consume our thoughts and make our hearts turn into vegetables (lettuce, mainly).  However, the lettuce is a spine and the spine is a car which drives down the dark eel infested road of eternity as life fades into a twinkling glimmer on the horizon and infinity swallows and expands evermore, but never grows.

I received I Got the Poops in a sealed hard drive encasement.

I did not have a hard drive encasement, so what kind of devious package could I send the tape back to Andrew in?

How I made it.

Well, what I DID have was a few boxes, some mailing envelopes, stacks upon stacks of old time magazines, and Netflix flaps that I’d be recycling.  I also had a motif I was working with for the entirety of this piece (including In Fridge).  Thus, I got to work creating what can be described as a complicated web of papers and lies.  I shall now go backwards, starting with the tape.

The tape itself came to me with no blemishes and no markings. I returned it that way.

I placed the tape within a small white mailing envelope.  But just having it inside of the envelope would be too easy, so I glued it shut.  But the glue didn’t stick, and even if it did, there was still something missing.  So, I decided to paint the Lyrics to the Beatles’ “Happiness is a Warm Gun” in black paint onto the envelope. Somehow, it seemed fitting.

When I received the tape, it was wrapped in Timecube®.  I went for a much more mainstream conspiracy theory, but one that’s gaining temporal significance.  I speak, of course, about 2012.  I didn’t have any paper, so I printed it onto some old worm drawings I had for a design project.

This has little to do with what is being discussed.

But the package was still too easy to open.  I needed to supply my own screwdriver to open mine, and what’s the point of sending a package if I want it to be opened?  My gaze turned to the box.  I had two of them, one of which I’d be using to send it.  But what about the other?  And the magazines? What could I do with them?

I could construct a complicated box-like cardboard skeleton out of the box, cut up the magazines and the Netflix pages (with some adjustments, of course) and boil them into a papier maché-like substance which I would then seal the tape into the structure with!  Of Course, it was so simple!

I had a box. I had a sculpture. And it fit into the other box.  Also I start sentences with prepositions.

Two Gods, Putin, a Flying Conchord...

But it was still all too easy, he just had to cut through some layers of paper.  What else could I do? Ah-ha! I could glue another cardboard “lid” over the complicated sculpture and glued it into the box.  I also sealed it in there with some of the remaining “paper soup” I used on the complicated box.  It created an interesting I-Spy effect, as if it were an I-Spy gone terribly terribly wrong.

After I also sealed half of a fork in there (I had to help Andrew out with opening the box, and I had a broken fork due to a faulty refrigerator).  So I taped up the box. I taped it all kinds of up, I also stapled instructions for creating the box to some extra cardboard and sealed it in a paper cocoon on the bottom.

You won't get one million dollars with the press of a button, though.

I then covered the whole thing with a paper bag, so as to make it look more mystical and presentable. I painted the addresses on, wrapped it in wire, and went off to send it.  Unfortunately the clerk at the mailing center told me that I couldn’t wrap the package in wire, what with computers and everything.  So I took the wire off, and sent it to Andrew.

“BUT VVINNI,” You yell at your computer’s screen, “WHAT WAS IT LIKE OPENING THE PACKAGE AFTER IT WAS MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLED?!??!?!?!?????!”

Yes, Andrew recorded himself opening the package and uploaded it into the Internet cloud. He also took all the pictures you see on this post. Wasn’t that nice of him?

I have worked for you for about four months now, and I am disappointed.  I wake up in the mornings dreading going to work, my coworkers don’t seem to acknowledge my existence, and the water in the water cooler tastes like it came from a pool.

I know of your long-term employee benefits, but I do not wish to wait that long and  I have another offer which I wish to explore.  So, thank you for your time and patience however I feel I must resign.

Within a month or so, perhaps I will come back and beg for my old job. Perhaps I will not.  This is the way it has to be, I fear.

Sincerely,

Vvinni J. Gagnepain

He Poser.

City of Lost Children is a film about a Mad Scientist who possesses the power to steal the dreams of small children in a futurisic society.  The Protagonis, One, has to rescue his baby brother from the mad scientist with the help of an orphan girl.

When first I inserted the DVD with a whiff and a whir, I was expecing something much like Delicatessen, Jeunet and Caro’s other Futurisic work.  There are some similarities between the two, and I’m sure I’ll bring them up, however Ciy of Lost Children has its own flavor apar from Delicatessen. It’s much more child-like, and at the same time subtly hopeless and Dysopic.

For those of you who have seen Delicatessen, City of Lost Children is rather similar and could perhaps ake place within the same universe. The set designs are fantasic, the color grade is wonderful (everything looks almost water-logged), and  the movie looks great.  The fuure of the film is one where all technological advancement ceased in the 1940′s with Barnum and Bailey Circuses and Cabarets.  The buildings are all brick, boats are the primary mode of expor, and Circus freaks adorn the street from The Octopus (siamese twins played by Geneviève Brunet and Odile Mallet) and One (he strong man played by Ron Perlman, that’s right, Ron Perlman).

Let’s talk about the Acing now, because I’m sure you’re all asking yourselves “Ron Perlman speaks FRENCH?!”.  No. No he doesn’t. He learned his lines phonetically. However, it was a stroke of directorial genius on Jeunet’s part to cast a non-French speaker as One, as the character is more or less a man-child.  Perlman included, all performances are exaggeraed; the best way I can describe it is that everyone acts like a child.  They externalize their emoions and use their faces like one uses them in Children’s Theatre.  However, this is simply part of Jeunet’s syle and I personally found it very neat.  The only exception to this is through the character of Miette (played by Judith Vittet), the orphan girl hat helps One find his brother.  Vittet gives a striking performance, very stone-faced and saddened.  She provides a good balance to the surrealisic ridiculousness going on around her, and she also does well for a child actor (The clock is ticking before I go off on that rant. I hope you’re all waiting for it, because then you’ll be disappoined).

This film includes some fanastic scenes, such as a man plugging in his eyes into those of another man he’s killing, mind-control by fleas, and some of the most terrifying Santa Clauses ever.  The color of the film appears to be mosly corrected to green, with perhaps a sepia filter over it (plus minor changes here and here).  There’s lot’s of seafoam and lots of reds and even more browns and beiges.  However, there are some problems with the script here and here (mostly there are some transitions in the narrative that are missing and a few of the characters aren’t as developed as they could be).

This is a silly, silly film, and at times it impedes the overall storyelling aspect of it.  Also, the focus Jeunet gives on the Litle Brother as he eats things is a bit overly focused on in my opinion. But then again I don’t really like kids or anything that brings happiness for that matter.  This was apparently made after Delicatessen, and whereas Jeunet’s visual style improved much, I think his abiliy to tell a story decreased. Hus, after carful consideration, I give this film a:

B+

City of Lost Children is like a Kid’s movie, in that everyone acts childlike (except, of course, the children).  However, at the same time it has some incredibly gruesome and disconcerting imagery.  Both of these elements combined make for a very good and enjoyable film.