Here are what I remember of the previous one hundred posts:

1. We’re still not eating pie.

2. The relationship between Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman is still… being researched.

3. I’m still looking, Mr. Icke. I’m still looking.

4. Vvinni: Episode 1 was just too long.

5. Vvinni: Episode 2 was even longer.

6. Vvinni: Really? Posting three all at once?  You could have saved some.

7. Vvinni: Now you’re just running out of ideas.

8. IMdB is much more Puppy now. And thank God for that.

9. Mr Coyne: You are still groovy as Hell. Never forget that, will you?

10. Vvinni: Nobody watches these, you know.

11. JCVD: One of the year’s best?  Certainly one of Van Damme’s Best.

12. Vvinni: I like your hat.

13. The birds still want to eat the noodles, but they never will.

14. You know, Mr. Gaiman?  I think I’m seeing a common motif in your work.

15. Vvinni: YOU’RE MIXING PLASTICS WITH GLASS.

16. It’s almost time for my Yupd!

17. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. Beyond 2001, Beyond 2010, Beyond Love, Beyond Death.

18. Vvinni: We’re going back to the graveyard.

19. Shopping Penguin? Shopping Penguin.

20. I gave it  the “Lizards” tag because the Dream-Eating monster is only able to use the reptilian part of his brain. I AM WITTY.

21. He-Yah! We gotta save the farm, rope those… cows…

22. My other documentary was about carpet.

23. It’s changed in ways you can never imagine.

24. PEA SOUP?!

25. Hello.

26. Vvinni: It makes me feel kind of bad I haven’t been having as many adventures this semester.

27. Worship me as a God.

28. YOU’RE TERING ME APART, LISA!

29. It’s still dripping blood all over my floor.

30. I left off here.

31. I picked it back up here.

32. Then I got shot by some bullets.

33. It’s cold inside, you’ll have to wear a cape.

34. I feel I’ve made much more intriguing work than what I did Freshman year.

35. Really? This is when the quest began?  And I haven’t picked it back up until… a few weeks ago?  I am NOT doing a good job questing.

36. Vvinni: You’re trying to hard. Stop it.

37. Exploding Goldfish Films. Check them out, why don’t you?

38. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BEAR!!!!

39. See. This is a documentary about Carpet!

40. Help! It took six months to make this!

41. I kill you both.

42. Andrew did this, I have nothing to say about it.

43. Eggs: A common motif of mine.

44. The world would melt were it made of cheese.

45. OH DEAR GOD IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!

46. One of the best of 1991?

47. I got the problem fixed, but now I can’t see my tongue.

48. That’s definitely a Bear.

49. Chickens, Money omelets, and axe-wielding.

50. Gum: It’s really a disappointment nowadays.

51. No, Bicycles!

52. Goodbye.

53. Ethan Holbrook: He Travels through time and Astronauts.

54. If you want to know more about Discouraging Words, then you should be reading the EXGfilms blog. I’m too busy posting movie reviews that are too long and Filler.

55. The cat represents life because we are all being held by the arms of fate that are attached to the torso of our decisions and that torso is the torso of another cat which, oddly enough, represents the plight of minimum wage worker at Wendy’s.  So, in conclusion: A Cat is a hamburger.

56. J’ai besoin d’étudier à un examen français.

57. Sharks.

58. Sharks.

59. Sharks.

60. Sharks.

61. Sharks.

62. Sharks and Film.

63. Sharks.

64. Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream. SKIN REMOVAL CREAM! Skin. Removal. Cream. Skin Removal Cream? Skin Removal Cream! Skin Removal cream skin removal cram, skin, removal cream. Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream. SKIN. REMOVAL. CREAM. Skin, Removal, Cream, Skin, Removal, Cream. Skin Removal Cream; Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream: If it weren’t a product, it would BUY YOU! SKIN REMOVAL CREAM?!!!!

65. It is five o’ clock, and so Tea Time is over.

66. A Surprisingly coherent corpse, unlike a certain other one coming up.

67. One of the best of Moon-related sci-fis of 2009?

68. THERE ARE TOO MANY BEARS ON THIS BLOG.

69. ❦

70. Something (A Post).

71. Discouraging Words: Coming Summer of 2010.

72. Nom nom nom nomnom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM.

73. I don’t even care what the next post was, THERE WERE HAMSTERS IN THE LAST ONE.

74. Let’s see… Was there a tiger in this one? No, just time travel.

75.  Nathan Fillion: A Man of many talents. Like being both an astronaut and cowboy. Also, being pure evil’s right-hand man and an award-winning novelist.  Truly he accomplished more in a lifetime than any man can.

76. Nick Vogt: A Man whose cat might be a monster.

77. Trail of Terror?

78. I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s alright. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.  Lips as sweet as candy, your taste is on my mind. Girl, you got me thirstin’ for another cup of wine. Got a bug from you, girl, but I don’t need no cure. I just take your picture (?) If I can be sure. All the good times, when we’re all alone, keep up girl. Yeah, you turn me on. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me, oh yeah. All the good times, when we’re all alone. Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on I-I-I’m Hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me. I said I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love me. Yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling!

79. A whole new web is about to be spun, methinks.

80. Does this mean I might be the next Batman?

81. 100 Untitled pieces, most them involve things breaking.

82. Nathan Fillion: He also battle killer slugs from outer-space. Truly, he is a god.

83. Heart attacks.

• 84. OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!!! THIS MAKES FOUR! FOUR BEARS!!!
• 85. Beat yourself with a 2×4.
• 86. OooOooOooOOOO Castles. SpoOOOoOoooOOky.
• 87. But doesn’t that explain us all?
• 88. I’m thinking of being Everything next year for Halloween.
• 89. Towed away at owner’s expense.
• 90. Vvinni: I’m thinking of a wall now to block their thought beams.
• 91. I am Rea-Gan! I am-Rea-Gan!
• 92. Don’t even think about coming to rescue me because I’m probably dead.

93. I just made another letter which I baked in the oven with a honey glaze. It was for Christmas.

94. Sword of Doom: One of the best?

95. Why did you kill this Lawn Ornament?

96. Wagga wagga wagga.

97. You’re tearing me apart, Mummy and Robot.

98. Ronald Q. Metellus: Man of Mystery and probably Sandwiches.

99. Joss Whedon: I wish you luck in your ventures outside of the television box, for I shall be on your side when all comes crashing down.

100. I- Oh no. I… I’m going to have to start this post inside of this post now… uh Okay. Here goes: WTIVVVVIMVJVTYVIZVSIHMIPHVWYIIITIIRVEOSHIAETOOITCGNGEITJSSSSSSSSIAOT❦DNILNNTIAD1NHOBOBITVIDISWWYRJ. I-On. I…Igthtstpiotpn… uO. Hg:

WIVVMJTVZIMPVYITIVOHATOTGGIJSSSSZTDINTA1HBBTIIWYJ. I-o. I… I… u. H:

IMP TIVO HAT DIDN’T HAVE. I. I… H:

Adapt vivid, thine moth. I. H:

AVTMIH:

01000001010101100101010001001101010010010100100000111010

000000010000100010001000100

.    .   .   .   .

⠂⠄⠠⠤

⠦

∴

…

-

0

∅

Man v. Dog v. Bear

The Bear Continues to be fought.

This is a multi-media piece I wrote for Theatre, Film, Radio, Prose, and Other during my time in Santa Fe. It’s also a compilation of 100 Untitled pieces I wrote, some good, some bad.  It’s been called “Unbearable to Watch”, “Pretentious”, and “Long”, but dammit I kind of like it.  So take a read, there’s a lot of it, though.  If you can make it through everything and have anything you want to say, feel free to say it. As for me, it was my birthday yesterday. So… happy birthday Vvinni.

The Untitled Rhapsody

The Untitled Rhapsody-Film

NOTE: Whenever you reach a film script in the motherscript, go to the film script. This should be obvious, but I said it anyway.

But in a few weeks you will.

For more on sharks in film, I refer you to this clip from Deep Blue Sea:

I will also refer you to Shark Attack 3: Megalodon:

And finally, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus:

And so, as you can see, sharks are a staple in the film world, as is evidenced by Jaws, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Megalodon. Thank you.

We’ll start with Troll 2.  To begin with, I don’t think the writer had any idea as to how young people speak to each other.  Or how anyone speaks to anyone. 

They're eating her.

  Added to this is the acting. Suffice it to say that every time the Goblin Witch came on, I thought to myself “I hate you with the power of a thousand suns”.  This wasn’t because she was convincing in her portrayal of the villain, but rather because she reminded me of that annoying aunt you had that insisted on playing with you and your cousins when you were young.  To close this first section on Troll 2: Congratulations Signore Fragasso, you know how to do high-key lighting. 

If you need a recap on my views on The Room, scroll down and you’ll find my Without the T’s review of it.

So, let’s move on to the battle.  Round 1: The Script.  Fragasso and Drudi, the writers of Troll 2, certainly wrote a terrible script.  If you need any examples of this fact, watch any scene with the daughter, Holly 

Don't you know about life?

Waits, in it.  However, and here’s the surprising part, the script for Troll 2 is better than the one for The Room.  The main reason?  Characters have motivations in Troll 2.  If a character enters, they enter for a reason; if a character exists, they exist for a reason; and the characters have reasons behind their actions.  I wish I could say the same for The Room.  Need an example? Why is Lisa evil? Because she suddenly decided she was and/or because she is a woman.

Round 2: The acting.  Say what you will about Tommy Wiseau, however I don’t think while watching The Room you ever hate him.  You’re sad about his condition, and you wonder if what happened to his skin effected his mental workings, but you don’t hate him.  You hate a lot of people in Troll 2 from the Goblin Witch, to Diana Waits (the Mother), to the Townsfolk, to Elliot and his friends.  You hate a lot of people.  And it’s simply because they’re horrendous actors who should never have been captured on film/video, and now that they have Cinema has probably gone back at least twenty years because of it.

Round 3: The Editing.  Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh Man. The Room reuses footage constantly.  From the Golden Gate bridge, to the sex scene (can you call it that?) between Johnny and Lisa, to the footage of streetcars.  Troll 2 was fortunate enough not to recycle footage in 

Only in theaters.

order to make the movie longer.  However, at the same time Troll 2 had almost too much footage, meaning Fragasso shot enough to to be able to make horrible edits between footage that would make even a Jack Russell Terrier with ADHD wonder WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EDITING SO MUCH?!  However, editing goes beyond putting footage together.  There’s sound editing as well. It takes about three minutes of watching The Room to realize Wiseau probably had a recording studio rented for an hour, during which he re-recorded EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED SCENE. Not only did they have to re-record nearly EVERYTHING, but they didn’t watch the footage while recording it, so nothing synchs up.  Also in the editing process are Visual Effects.  All I’ll say about The Room is: Blue Screen. 

Round 4: Lightning Round. Costumes: Troll 2 had bad costumes, but it TRIED with them.  The Room apparently had people wear whatever and rent their own suits.  Special Effects: Troll 2 once again tried, and the death of the Goblin Witch is a pretty horrifying image.  The Room had some slow motion and green screen, but really nothing to be too impressed with.  Titles: The Room, okay Wiseau there are rooms in this movie I understand why you called it this. Troll 2, You needed to get more viewers, Fragasso, there aren’t even any trolls in this goddamn movie and it’s definitely not a sequel. Lightning: There was more lightning in Troll 2, sorry Wiseau but Fragasso has you blown out of the water in this one.

Judgement. The Room is a movie where Wiseau didn’t try at all, and as a result it’s made completely incompetently. However, Troll 2 is a much more despicable movie. Why? Because Fragasso lured studios and 

Is that... "Goblin" spelled backwards? No. No it can't be.

audiences by falsifying his movie’s name.  Also, Troll 2 actually made it into theaters, whereas The Room has remained where it should be: in the grave.  Thus, The Room is by far a worse movie, however it takes more than just incompetence to be the all time worse film in the history of ever.  After all, every film on the list is made incompetently, that’s why they’re on the list.  What gets a film to the top of the list, then, is how despicable the film is, and in this sense Troll 2 is the winner.  So: Troll 2 is higher on the list of all time worse films, but The Room is a worse film.  Somehow, this makes sense.

And so there we are. Now that I’ve seen Troll 2 and The Room I have seen some of the worst films ever made, correct?  Oh my no.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m not sure if you’ve been following it, but neither of these movies are on the IMdB Bottom 100.  I’ve seen what was #1 for the longest time and I’ve seen what should be on the list, but I still have a long road ahead of me.

We were to pick a poem and make a movie about it editing in camera. So I made this. Maybe it’s good?

Probably it’s not.

I have recieved your countless letters to me in the form of SPAM, and I have realized that we have both said some thing we regret.

Thus, I am willing to once again come under your employ for a lowered salary, as long I as get a casual Friday.

Also, I missed the taste of pool water.

Love,

Vvinni J. Gagnepain

I's like I'm siing on an aom bomb waiing for i o go off.

Here are a few movies ha you have o wonder why no one realized he movie was a bad idea whils making i. The Room is one of hese.

Here are a few movies ha make you wan o tear open your skull in order o sop waching. The Room is one of hese.

The Room is a film abou a sociopahic woman who cheas on her fiancee’s bes friend, Mark. Seriously, guys, Mark is her fiancee’s bes friend.

I knew his film would be bad, I heard sories and I saw he clips.  Remember he Im and Eric episode “Tommy”? He one wih “He Pigman” in i? And remember hose clips from he gues direcor’s movie? Well hose clips were real and hey were from his movie.

He bes way I can describe he syle of his movie is ha i’s like an ABC Family sicom, only here are seven sex scenes (all very long and painful o wach) and he acing is worse.  Yes, worse han an ABC Family sicom.

Wha makes he acing bad? He lines are delivered flaly, he acors have no reasoning behind heir acions and no subex behind heir speech, and hey’re not working wih he greaes maerial o begin wih.  Le me show you a clip:

Yes. I’s real. Yes, i was made in seriousness (alhough direcor Tommy Wiseau has since claimed i was supposed o be a dark comedy all along). Even if his film were a dark comedy, here’s such a hing as going oo far, Mr. Wiseau.  One of he hings ha shows you ha you’re going oo far is no having an engaging sory. I give The Room a:

Is no very good.

So is this film no worh waching?  Well, i’s an experience.  I should be reaed as such.  The Room is no somehing you wach alone, and i’s no somehing you wach wih people who don’ appreciae how deliciously bad hings are.  If MS3K was sill on and did modern non-sci-fi movies, he episode wih The Room would make you believe in a God. I would be FANASIC! If you have a chance o wach his movie in heaers, I would say ake i. I cerainly would, as painful as waching i is.  Why? Because as I said his isn’ a movie, i’s like live heare.  Aparenly when waching he movie in heaers he audience is o hrow spoons a he screen, scream ou “WHO HE FUCK ARE YOU?!” a any of he worhless incidenal characers, and occasionally chime in wih favorie lines like “You’re earing me apar, Lisa!” and “Oh hi, Mark!”.

The Room is bad, and i migh be worse han Hobgoblins. I can’ say, because I haven’ dared o wach Hobgoblins wihou he commenary.  My guess is ha i’s on he same level, where he enire movie you shake your head and marvel a how amazingly bad i is.