1. How to get to the Hospital.  Luckily, we here in the past have maps for free viewing on a massive intertwined web. Here is how to get to the Hospital:

View Larger Map

2. When entering into a hospital, it is very important NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.  Hospitals are full of evil spirits who enter your soul through the nearest third dimensional gateway: The retina.

- As a sidenote, Hospitals cannot get rid of the evil spirits, because evil spirits are EXCELLENT Ear, Nose, and Heart doctors.

3. Many people like to sell hats in Hospitals; this is because they are chauvinistic vampires who prey off the sick and needy. DO NOT BUY A HOSPITAL HAT, THEY ARE ITCHY AND MADE OF WOOL.

4. In the current health system, the primary tool for doctoring is an axe.  If you provide your own, you may pay less.

5. In a hospital, the louder you are the sooner you will be helped.  Also, be sure to bleed a lot.  Hospital spirits LOVE blood, they eat it (remember: chauvinistic vampires).

6. Do not leave the hospital the same way you came in, if you do you will never escape.

The other details vary from place to place and on the weather, however with these simple 6 1/2 rule you can navigate your way into a hospital.  Good luck.

Here are what I remember of the previous one hundred posts:

1. We’re still not eating pie.

2. The relationship between Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman is still… being researched.

3. I’m still looking, Mr. Icke. I’m still looking.

4. Vvinni: Episode 1 was just too long.

5. Vvinni: Episode 2 was even longer.

6. Vvinni: Really? Posting three all at once?  You could have saved some.

7. Vvinni: Now you’re just running out of ideas.

8. IMdB is much more Puppy now. And thank God for that.

9. Mr Coyne: You are still groovy as Hell. Never forget that, will you?

10. Vvinni: Nobody watches these, you know.

11. JCVD: One of the year’s best?  Certainly one of Van Damme’s Best.

12. Vvinni: I like your hat.

13. The birds still want to eat the noodles, but they never will.

14. You know, Mr. Gaiman?  I think I’m seeing a common motif in your work.

15. Vvinni: YOU’RE MIXING PLASTICS WITH GLASS.

16. It’s almost time for my Yupd!

17. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. ZARDOZ. Beyond 2001, Beyond 2010, Beyond Love, Beyond Death.

18. Vvinni: We’re going back to the graveyard.

19. Shopping Penguin? Shopping Penguin.

20. I gave it  the “Lizards” tag because the Dream-Eating monster is only able to use the reptilian part of his brain. I AM WITTY.

21. He-Yah! We gotta save the farm, rope those… cows…

22. My other documentary was about carpet.

23. It’s changed in ways you can never imagine.

24. PEA SOUP?!

25. Hello.

26. Vvinni: It makes me feel kind of bad I haven’t been having as many adventures this semester.

27. Worship me as a God.

28. YOU’RE TERING ME APART, LISA!

29. It’s still dripping blood all over my floor.

30. I left off here.

31. I picked it back up here.

32. Then I got shot by some bullets.

33. It’s cold inside, you’ll have to wear a cape.

34. I feel I’ve made much more intriguing work than what I did Freshman year.

35. Really? This is when the quest began?  And I haven’t picked it back up until… a few weeks ago?  I am NOT doing a good job questing.

36. Vvinni: You’re trying to hard. Stop it.

37. Exploding Goldfish Films. Check them out, why don’t you?

38. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BEAR!!!!

39. See. This is a documentary about Carpet!

40. Help! It took six months to make this!

41. I kill you both.

42. Andrew did this, I have nothing to say about it.

43. Eggs: A common motif of mine.

44. The world would melt were it made of cheese.

45. OH DEAR GOD IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!

46. One of the best of 1991?

47. I got the problem fixed, but now I can’t see my tongue.

48. That’s definitely a Bear.

49. Chickens, Money omelets, and axe-wielding.

50. Gum: It’s really a disappointment nowadays.

51. No, Bicycles!

52. Goodbye.

53. Ethan Holbrook: He Travels through time and Astronauts.

54. If you want to know more about Discouraging Words, then you should be reading the EXGfilms blog. I’m too busy posting movie reviews that are too long and Filler.

55. The cat represents life because we are all being held by the arms of fate that are attached to the torso of our decisions and that torso is the torso of another cat which, oddly enough, represents the plight of minimum wage worker at Wendy’s.  So, in conclusion: A Cat is a hamburger.

56. J’ai besoin d’étudier à un examen français.

57. Sharks.

58. Sharks.

59. Sharks.

60. Sharks.

61. Sharks.

62. Sharks and Film.

63. Sharks.

64. Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream, Skin Removal Cream. SKIN REMOVAL CREAM! Skin. Removal. Cream. Skin Removal Cream? Skin Removal Cream! Skin Removal cream skin removal cram, skin, removal cream. Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream. SKIN. REMOVAL. CREAM. Skin, Removal, Cream, Skin, Removal, Cream. Skin Removal Cream; Skin Removal Cream. Skin Removal Cream: If it weren’t a product, it would BUY YOU! SKIN REMOVAL CREAM?!!!!

65. It is five o’ clock, and so Tea Time is over.

66. A Surprisingly coherent corpse, unlike a certain other one coming up.

67. One of the best of Moon-related sci-fis of 2009?

68. THERE ARE TOO MANY BEARS ON THIS BLOG.

69. ❦

70. Something (A Post).

71. Discouraging Words: Coming Summer of 2010.

72. Nom nom nom nomnom nom nom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom nom nom nom nomnom nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. Nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom, nom-nom. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM. NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM-NOM NOM.

73. I don’t even care what the next post was, THERE WERE HAMSTERS IN THE LAST ONE.

74. Let’s see… Was there a tiger in this one? No, just time travel.

75.  Nathan Fillion: A Man of many talents. Like being both an astronaut and cowboy. Also, being pure evil’s right-hand man and an award-winning novelist.  Truly he accomplished more in a lifetime than any man can.

76. Nick Vogt: A Man whose cat might be a monster.

77. Trail of Terror?

78. I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know everything’s alright. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.  Lips as sweet as candy, your taste is on my mind. Girl, you got me thirstin’ for another cup of wine. Got a bug from you, girl, but I don’t need no cure. I just take your picture (?) If I can be sure. All the good times, when we’re all alone, keep up girl. Yeah, you turn me on. I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me, oh yeah. All the good times, when we’re all alone. Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on I-I-I’m Hooked on a feeling and I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me. I said I’m hooked on a feeling. And I’m high on believing that you’re in love me. Yeah, I’m hooked on a feeling!

79. A whole new web is about to be spun, methinks.

80. Does this mean I might be the next Batman?

81. 100 Untitled pieces, most them involve things breaking.

82. Nathan Fillion: He also battle killer slugs from outer-space. Truly, he is a god.

83. Heart attacks.

• 84. OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER BEAR!!! THIS MAKES FOUR! FOUR BEARS!!!
• 85. Beat yourself with a 2×4.
• 86. OooOooOooOOOO Castles. SpoOOOoOoooOOky.
• 87. But doesn’t that explain us all?
• 88. I’m thinking of being Everything next year for Halloween.
• 89. Towed away at owner’s expense.
• 90. Vvinni: I’m thinking of a wall now to block their thought beams.
• 91. I am Rea-Gan! I am-Rea-Gan!
• 92. Don’t even think about coming to rescue me because I’m probably dead.

93. I just made another letter which I baked in the oven with a honey glaze. It was for Christmas.

94. Sword of Doom: One of the best?

95. Why did you kill this Lawn Ornament?

96. Wagga wagga wagga.

97. You’re tearing me apart, Mummy and Robot.

98. Ronald Q. Metellus: Man of Mystery and probably Sandwiches.

99. Joss Whedon: I wish you luck in your ventures outside of the television box, for I shall be on your side when all comes crashing down.

100. I- Oh no. I… I’m going to have to start this post inside of this post now… uh Okay. Here goes: WTIVVVVIMVJVTYVIZVSIHMIPHVWYIIITIIRVEOSHIAETOOITCGNGEITJSSSSSSSSIAOT❦DNILNNTIAD1NHOBOBITVIDISWWYRJ. I-On. I…Igthtstpiotpn… uO. Hg:

WIVVMJTVZIMPVYITIVOHATOTGGIJSSSSZTDINTA1HBBTIIWYJ. I-o. I… I… u. H:

IMP TIVO HAT DIDN’T HAVE. I. I… H:

Adapt vivid, thine moth. I. H:

AVTMIH:

01000001010101100101010001001101010010010100100000111010

000000010000100010001000100

.    .   .   .   .

⠂⠄⠠⠤

⠦

∴

…

-

0

∅

The result is what you can read below:

The Stirrups of Calamity

So it’s a bit crazy and incomprehensible, but I still rather like it. And that’s not just because at the end four versions of myself transform into a robot and fight an evil trans-dimensional Ronald Reagan.  No, I also really enjoy Evil Reagan’s song and dance sequence (which I wrote, breaking Corpse rules, but DAMMIT! we had an evil trans-dimensional Ronald Reagan who needed a backstory and was inside of a gigantic citadel. What would you do?).  What about you? What do you all think?  I know this script has lived in infamy in The Ministry, almost as much infamy as the first-ever Ministry corpse.

This is the first of four assignments I am to make for this class.  For the first of which we were to create a “digital essay” combining footage from Chantal Ackerman’s Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, Shirley Clarke’s Ornette: Made in America and The Cool World, and At Land and Meshes of the Afternoon by Maya Deren.  What exactly a “digital essay” is, and why our professor couldn’t say “film”, I don’t know.  But here it is, let me know what you think.

And, no, I don’t think it’s legal to have this up on the internet.

This is not really an exposé, but I’ve got the graphic all made up so I figured I’d use it.

Today, I wish to speak of a peculiar cinematic force known as the Astronaut Cowboy.  This has recently been brought to mind after seeing a mini-serial known as Stingray Sam about a week ago at the International Film Series in Boulder.  It’s a fun little piece that’s a Science Fiction serial mixed with the singing cowboy tradition and intercut with plenty of photo montages, and it’s much more fun than his other Astronaut Cowboy film The American Astronaut.

However, the Astronaut Cowboy character does not end there.  One of the most striking things about Joss Whedon’s Firefly series was how seamlessly it incorporated both the conventions of the Spaceship crew sub-genre of Science Fiction and the Western, what with the continual references to the Civil War (a different The Civil War), raiders, the endless void of space, the journey west (or rather, away from the center of the system), etc.  That’s also available for free watching on the internet, and I highly recommend it.

There’s also a more “realistic” Astronaut Cowboy movie in Space Cowboys, where Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones have to go into space to repair a Russian Satellite!  And it doesn’t really have much to do with Cowboys but… but it has the title Space Cowboys.

In fact, the astronaut cowboy has recently infiltrated into my subconscious, appearing in a dream of mine.  This black Space Cowboy was the only person who could help save me from a haunted house (because I think he was also a wizard.  He may also have been played by Tracy Morgan).  Also, directly after meeting the astronaut, this cat came up to me and mewed at me:

www.katebeaton.com

That sounds like a success if ever there was one.  And hey! I’ve also got another piece with an Astronaut Cowboy in it.  Remember Teh Cld Wr? My movie on IMdB? Well I do. And I’ve posted it here. BECAUSE I CAN. Now watch, and God Bless you Captain Spacecraft!

The comic is rather good, although they don’t update when they say they will, and that is upsetting. However, they do things like this to make up for it.

He really is. It's the eyes.

See? That’s nice, isn’t it? Also, I’ve got a guest comic up on the Tea Time Site right now. So if nothing else check that out and let me know how it is. 

And yes, I took that image without permission. What’s your point? Class action lawsuit? I’d like to see you try. I… I can FIGHT with… I can FIGHT WITH A BEAR. And… and the bear is like a cannon.

   

As seen in Harper's Weekly in 1868.

The Stronsay Beast (a creature decribed as having three pairs of “wings” and approximately 55 feet in diameter) has been hypothesized as an unusually large Basking Shark, the Zuiyō Maro (also known as “New Nessie”), and (the only one of these examples actually from the late 1800′s)  The “Wonderful Fish” seen in an illustration above.

Don't worry, it's only a gigantic sea monster with a horrifyingly big mouth.

The Basking shark is the second largest shark in the world, second only to everyone’s favorite Whale Shark.  Like the whale shark, the Basking shark is non-aggressive and a filter feeder. The Basking shark has few predators, but has been known to be attacked by Orca Whales and Tiger Sharks and is a symbiotic partner with the lamprey.  I hope you have enjoyed this brief introduction to the Basking shark, and join me tomorrow for our ongoing celebration of Shark Week.

Wherein Vvinni Giddies Up!