I’ve decided to begin reviewing certain movies on this blog.  Why? Because I’m a film student, and deep down every film student wants to tell other filmmakers how they’d make others’ movies and how they’re much better than any filmmaker who ever existed.

However, there is also another problem: Every good critic of films has a gimmick, whether it be thumbs, or tomatoes, or the New York Times.  Thus, I will eliminate the letter “T” for the remainder of this critique and for all others, and I will begin NOW.

Jean-Claude Van Damme ges enwined in a pos office robbery afer losing cusody over his daugher.

JCVD is a film abou he eponymous JCVD, also known as Jean-Claude Van Damme, as he ges enwined in a Pos Office robbery.  I enered ino he heaer wih only he railer o go off of, and as such I was expecing o see a movie abou Jean-Claude Van Damme robbing a bank.  Wha I go was somehing… else.

He film seems o be boh parodying he acion movies Mr. Van Damme has sarred in while a he same ime acing as a porrai of he acion sar.  Here are shos in he film which are aken direcly from archeypical acion flicks: View from securiy camera, racking sho of he Police chief hrough he crime scene, ec.  However, a he same ime i includes a ype of cinema verie syle wih he same revery owards Mr. Van Damme as Michael Moore gives Flin, Michigan.  Here are imes where Jean-Claude speaks direcly ino he camera, here is he classical “view-from-window” sho of Jean-Claude siing in a car, and many-a-ime he handheld camera is used as a news camera POV.  As a final hough o his, I mus menion he dolly sho a he beginning of he film.  I akes place in a meafilm, of course emulaing he cheap acion flick as Jean-Claude Van Damme sneaks hrough a miliary base and beas people up.  However, he camera zooms in and ou, i pans and ils, i moves foreward and backward, lef and righ, and in he meanime Jean Claude fighs man afer man afer woman afer man.  Wha is more is ha Van Damme did his own suns for his, of course, which gives he whole sho a much more earnes feeling and raises he “awesome” facor by a leas five.

However, wha ruly mus be commended is he performance of he iular characer: Jean-Claude Van Damme.  If we haven’ seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, a leas we know roughly he caliber of he acing of hese films.  Hey’re raher generic and overly masculine, concenraing no on realism and finesse, bu raher on how much esoserone hey can injec ino he movie.  In his film, Jean-Claude Van Damme proves o he world ha he can acually ac.  No only can he acually ac, he can ac raher well.  He gives a monologue saring direcly ino he camera in which he concludes “Don’ kill people, hey’re beauiful. Killing is such a wase”, and he specaor believes i.  Here are pars which are clearly improvised, but his adds o he earnes feeling of he film.  Also, he gives one of he greaes reacions o his daugher visiing him in jail I hink I’ll ever see: He sares a his daugher for a momen, says hello, ears up, sighs, and his he elephone on his head whils furrowing his brow.  Ye, a he same ime Jean-Claude isn’ afraid o parody himself wih an alernae ending in which he roundhouse kicks a bank robber in he head and ruffs up his feahers o he crowd surrounding him.

His is a solid movie. Is i Oscar maerial? How he hell should I know, I’m no a douschebag living in LA.  Bu i is a fine film wih fine acing and, a he very leas, quie eneraining.  Hus, I give JCVD:

T-T-T-.25

Congraulaions, Mr. Van Damme, may his usher in a new chaper in your acing career, or may i ac as a final goodbye and coups de grace for your ime on he screen. Bu don’ ake my word for i, give i a view for yourself and le me know wha you hink.