I didn’t want to jump right into the top five of the worst movies, for as bad as Troll 2 and The Room are I shudder to think of what’s to come (Disaster Movie, Superbabies, Something About Cuba, yes we’ve got some terrible times ahead), instead I decided to start with a movie that’s been pretty consistently around #25: La Momia Azteca Contra el Robot Humano.

And what's that? THEY ARE FIGHTING.

We know enter into the fray. Round 1: The Script.  Once Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot ended I thought to myself what the point of sitting through that was.  Of course, the same can be said about The Room and Troll 2.  The difference?  The Room made me want to tear my head off and… probably use it as a punch bowl that is thrown at a cactus… for science? The same can be said about Troll 2, except the punch bowl would probably my leg; still something I need, but not as useful as my head is.  After Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot I felt kind of sad.  Yes, there is an Aztec Mummy and it fights a Human Robot.  This would be a fantastic payoff, however one must sit through approximately an hour and a half of terribly expository dialogue to get to it.  Thus, by the time the prophecy was fulfilled I didn’t even want to see the Aztec Mummy fight the Human Robot, I just wanted to sleep in a warm bed or eat an ice cream cone.

The Human Robot

Round 2: Special Effects.  The Room has no special Effects.  What happened to Wiseau is a skin condition, and we shouldn’t laugh about it.  Troll 2 had puppet goblins that vomited green goo. One of the goblins could talk. One of their eyes could explode. All of them were used multiple times.  In Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot seemed to have taken the character design for the Goblins in Troll 2 and made a papier maché suit out of it.  The Human Robot was a man wearing a cardboard robot suit… a cardboard HUMAN robot suit.  Also, I’m pretty sure the robot’s arms were too long.

La Momia Azteca

Round 3: Lighting.  Enrique Wallace, Cinematographer for Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot, you just took a 1K light and shined it in the general direction of people.  That’s not cinematography, that’s just a waste of electricity.  Tod Barron, Cinematogrpher for The Room, you just saw an infomercial and decided light was that.  Giancarlo Ferrando… you work in Pornography, you have an excuse. Which of these three is worse?  I haven’t been making decisions for this entire post, why start now?

The Battle

Round 4: Acting. If the editor of Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot cut around all of the painful pauses for lines from the actors, then the movie would have been half as long.  Also, when you’re upstaged by Captain Cody vs. The Radar Men from the Moon you’ve got a problem.  As for Troll 2 and The Room, see my earlier comment regarding skulls, cacti, and science.  As a close to this short section: Luis Aceves Casteñeda, you’re Mexico’s answer to Orson Welles. Congratulations!

But enough of this prolonged banter, let’s get to the ranking between these three films.  Troll 2 still stands at the top: It was despicably bad, it was traumatizing to several children, and I HATE BOLOGNA. Next at the Number 2 spot is The Room: It was terribly incompetent, but it’s earnest and I feel sorry Mr. Wiseau and his relationship issues.  As for Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot: It shouldn’t have been made and I don’t think the world is any better because of its existence.  However, unlike the other two, the world isn’t worse off because of it.  So this goes around spot #25 or so (UPDATE: La Momia Azteca Contra el Robot Humano is no longer on the Bottom 100, but Troll 2 has made it back to #54 on The List).

So there, I’ve watched another bad movie and written something needlessly long about it.  This has been different from a Without the T’s because… I’m going to go get pictures of mummies and robots and perhaps make them fight in Photoshop. Goodbye.