Category Archives: Writings

100 Magics

As the NSA knows, I have spent the past six months or so cataloguing and writing on the 100 types of magic.  I am finally finished, though I probably went overboard on a few of them. Either way, I have done my part. You’re welcome.

  1. Pyromancy: Fire Magic.  Among the most popular of magics what with the ability to cast fireballs and make fire golems, but also the most dangerous of magics what with the strong possibility of lighting oneself on fire and dying.

  2. Illusion: Trick Magic. Bardlebard Nomage was among the most powerful and feared magicians of his time before it was realized that he was only really good at tricking people into seeing or hearing things.  After that he was quickly defeated, because people then knew his 10-foot tall flaming hell-hound was actually a partially blind 7-year-old Pekingese.

  3. Ventriloquism: Voice Magic. The Great Lester, famed Ventriloquist, was both able to speak through his dummy Frank Byron Jr., but he was also able to speak through his student Edgar Bergen before getting into The Great Ventriloquist Battle of 1907.  Lester was also said to be able to throw his voice with such force that he could cause internal hemorrhaging to organs.

  4. Hydromancy: Water Magic. Foremost Gangulon is the most powerful Hydromage in history.  Though he lived in the Perpetual Deadlands, he lived on a ship in a floating island of water and had a best friend who was a Porpoise, a butler of living water, and he even road through the street at night on his mighty water-horse.

  5. Teleportation: Moving objects through space. It is said that there is only one Grimoire of Teleportation, but once a Teleportationist tries to grab it to become more advanced it is sent to another corner of the Earth.  Teleportationists find this annoying, other magicians find it hilarious.

  6. Enchantment: Giving objects magical properties.  Enchanters are only as good as the objects they have.  Take Rory Klaus, a great Enchanter who had a staff that would bring death to anyone who opposed him.  One night while Rory was sleeping the staff was stolen, and soon after he was killed as he had no other magic items.

  7. Invisibility: Camouflage Magic. Xanthar Cancleon is the greatest Invisiblist to have ever lived.  In theory Cancleon is dead now, however by the end of her life not even she knew where she was in her house as she was so well camouflaged.

  8. Memoriamancy: Memory Magic. Opliate Hemofloat was a prodigious Memoriamancer, however he would always forget to protect himself from his own spells and, after years of research, would forget everything and go back to square one.  He died at the age of 32 after having forgotten how to breathe.

  9. Aeromancy: Air Magic. The Birdman of Alcatraz was actually a skilled Aeromancer, hence why birds liked him so much as he could create the perfect air eddies to help them get to the best of insects quicker.  He was never able to escape from Alcatraz, though, as the amount of Wind he would need to whisk him away from the Island would end up destroying the prison and he’d feel REALLY bad about that.

  10. Beastmastery: Animal Magic. Timothy Treadwell was a mighty Beastmaster who for a long time was able to speak with his Bear friends and keep them from eating him.  Unfortunately, as is the case with many Beastmasters, Treadwell made one mistake in the Bear Tongue with a semicolon (Bears are sticklers for punctuation, you see) which ended with his brutal mauling.

  11. Polyglotism: Language Magic. King Arthur once faced a Polyglot by the name of Zoozoom Judypunch.  The battle lasted two weeks, not because Zoozoom was that great or powerful, but because no knight of the round table could understand the Spanish Arthur had been speaking.
  12. Precognition: Future Vision.  The Oracle of Delphi is perhaps the most known Precog of all time, however what isn’t known about her is that she could only see one year into the future and never the present.  Hence why she preferred to spend her time in a cave away from people, as it made her limited interactions much easier to document and remember for the year later when they would actually happen.
  13. Pithanosia: Probability Magic.  Nosmus Catheter was a great Pithanosian, and it was said that nothing- not even the wind or the crowing of a raven- happened by accident around him.  Which only made Catheter’s death more mysterious when a tree accidentally fell on him.  There was no evidence of foul play, but it is widely assumed that Nosmus Catheter, Jr. was tired of his father controlling his life and had manipulated probability to have him killed.
  14. Vuotaika: Size Manipulation. Paul Bunyan is perhaps the most remembered of all Vuotaikans.  A little known fact of Bunyan is that only half of the time was he 10 feet tall, and the rest of the time he was his regular 5 foot three inches, while everyone else was one-tenth of their regular size.
  15. Wayfinding: Travel magic. Marie Byrd was a Wayfinder, and perhaps one of the Greatest of her generation.  Though her husband Rear Admiral Richard E. Byrd is credited with exploring Antarctica, Richard was only a Hydromancer who was able to part snow and make the ice into potable water.  Marie, his wife who was on the expedition with him, was able to navigate the empty whiteness and the Antarctic wastes, leading the expedition to the fattest of Penguin flocks, the best places for shelter, and eventually the the magnetic pole itself.
  16. Geomancy: Ground Magic. Geomancers throughout the years have gone to drastic measures to prove that they’re not just “rock wizards”, be it Giocatta Onice who almost sunk the Isle of Sicily, to Hansar Kumatose who singlehandedly caused the 1964 Great Alaska Earthquake, to Pacon Classtrike who attacked the Louvre with an army of animated rock-birds.
  17. Neuromancy: Thought Magic.  Nomnom Snoopy was the Neuromancer who caused this magic to become one of the four forbidden magics.  Snoopy was able to manipulate everyone’s thoughts so an entire village not only thought he was a harmless, magic-less town drunk but also that he was the most jovial and benign of personalities.  It wasn’t until another Neuromancer happened to wander into the village that the truth was uncovered:  Snoopy had been kidnapping and eating people for years in a twisted attempt at gaining more power to control the thoughts of the world.  Also, Snoopy was a really mean and racist drunk.
  18. Fylassijn: Imprisoning Magic. Gregor Guardepapudo is both the Warden of Bábkové Skala, the most magical prison in the world, but also the most powerful Fylassijn to have existed.  The Archmage Frownbeard had at first tried to destroy Guardepapudo, however every magician that got close would end up with their life’s essence imprisoned inside of a terrible puppet.  Eventually, Frownbeard made the agreement with Guardepapudo: No further action would be taken if he would now on use his magic to only imprison Magic’s greatest criminals.  Gregor mostly agreed.
  19. Sanguination: Blood Magic. Oliver Dracula was the Sanguinator who finally got Blood Magic put in the forbidden magics territory.  Going far beyond the pentagrams and parlor tricks of Sanguinators past, Dracula launched a full attack against the Istanbul Magiquary in 1862.  Dracula ripped the blood from those who tried to stop him, had an army of living blood golems, and every wound done to him would only make him stronger.  Soon the attack became a siege, though, and Sanguinators are ill fit for sieges what with their constant bleeding.  Dracula passed out and Istanbul was saved.
  20. Necromancy: Magic of the Dead. Skeleton Armies, Ghost Ships, Tombstone Automatons, Touch-of-death powers, Necromancer Hambald Vivaldi thought he had it all.  Unfortunately one day Vivaldi crossed his arms and killed himself with one touch.  His skeleton army remains, still to this day wandering about the seaside ghost-moors, only now Vivaldi’s own skeleton has joined its ranks as a shuffling, undead drone.
  21. Cappelium: The Magic of having really great hair. Zorcand Zorcand was a Cappeli who was said to be able to blind entire armies with a swish of his hair.  He purchased an island kingdom with only a lock of hair, causing the former island despot to go into poverty but die happy clutching that small chunk of glorious, glorious hair.  Another fun fact, The Biblical Samson was also a Cappeli, and contrary to popular belief it wasn’t the cutting of his hair that removed his powers, but rather the fact that he was given a bad haircut that removed them.

  22. Phrenology: Skull Reading. Cecilia Temacher, a phrenologist, became so adept at her craft that she was able to know every intention a visitor had for visiting her country cottage.  She had been able to avoid unwelcome interactions for twenty years that way, until one day a hat-mage refused to remove their hat and thus Cecilia was unable to see the visitor’s intention to murder her. Cecilia’s own skull is now a prized relic among Phrenologists.

  23. Astrology: Star Reading. Ptolemy, an Astrologer, isn’t necessarily responsible for many of his theories and discoveries.  Ptolemy merely wrote down what he read in the stars, and would often tell his best friends that he didn’t believe many of the things he wrote: Ideas on light reflection, the existence of the lands later to be known as the Americas, and the universe existing as a series of nested spheres.  However, Ptolemy said, if he didn’t write down what he saw in the stars the stars would make fun of him and his stupid-looking nose. Ptolemy hated his nose.

  24. Gastrology: Food Reading. King Wenceslas ruled over his land with an iron fist, and was largely uncontested by his subjects because of the feasts he would have.  Wenceslas would allow all who wanted to come into his castle and feast on his food any time they wished, and once they were done eating Wenceslas would use his Gastrological powers to read the food scraps left behind and find out his peoples deepest secrets and use those as leverage against his detractors.

  25. Herbamancy: Plant Magic. Herbamancers are great magicians, capable of using the very grass underfoot to devour entire armies that go against them.  However, as was the case of Samuela Lastrone, their powers require the plants to be alive.  Lastrone, in an effort to boost her magical powers, had tied her life to a plant-familiar in her magical garden.  This worked fantastically until she made a mistake in the re-potting of the plant-familiar and ended up severing the root systems and also her own life.

  26. Plastromancy: Reading cracks formed by heat on a turtle’s back. Yoyoba the Turtlemage was ridiculed by her peers, because at the time it was thought that Plastromancy was the reading of plastic.  Yoyoba would fail at reading anything plastic unless it was both turtle-shaped, and also hot enough outside to start to crack the backs.  However, she did have her own collections of turtles (Only turtles, mind you, no tortoises and no terrapins). Only on Yoyoba’s death bed did people realize that she had not only predicted her own death in the turtle’s backs, but also the deaths of everyone in that room.  She also said she knew the grand destiny of the entire universe, but died before she could share it.  It was then that two magical discoveries were made: first- Plastromancy is the reading of cracks formed by heat on a turtle’s back, and second- plastic is resistant to magic.

  27. Tasseometry: Magic of Tea Leaves. Nichiose Vichiose was the first Tasseometrist to realize that he magic went beyond merely reading tea leaves left behind in tea cups.  She could also summon swarms of tea leaves to do her bidding, cause tea bags to infiltrate enemy castles, and she could even change the flavor of tea with the snap of her fingers.  After Vichiose published her Idées Sur le Thé Tesseometry became the respected magical practice it is today.

  28. Scrying: Seeing and reading through crystalline surfaces. Namulon Surprise may just be the greatest Scrier in the history of magic.  Ever since finding her magic at the age of 16, Surprise surrounded herself with mirrors, crystal balls,  chandeliers, anything crystal which she could use to see to all corners of the world and read the past, present, and future.  At the height of her powers all a person had to do was ask a question out loud to her, and she’d be able to see it in her crystal castle and send an answer within three business days.  Her ultimate downfall was her success, though, as soon she became too busy to clean the crystal surfaces she surrounded herself with, causing her predictions and visions to fail, and her reputation to collapse.  She died working for the Idaho Magiquary in Boise.

  29. Oneiromancy: Dream Magic.  Tales tell of a Oneiromancer known as the Moonraker who visits struggling magicians in their dreams to show them the most incredible of tricks and help them solve their own magical problems.  The Moonraker is said to be able to merge dream-realms and connect two magicians minds together in their dreams as well, in fact the tales give the Moonraker complete domain over all of dream reality.  The problem is, no one remembers much of the Moonraker once they wake up and those who do often have really confusing descriptions like “She was made of sand, but it was a sort of bird-like sand that was also a pumpkin. Oh, and we could both speak fluent Spanish except that it wasn’t Spanish we were just speaking in Italian accents”.

  30. Hnifaugu: Knife-eye Magic. Jorgand Smorglos had eyes of cold grey steel, and even before his magic was known few dared to challenge him.  But one day a drunkard named Smae made the terrible decision to tell Jorgand “Your face looks the dog’s vomit”.  With that Jorgand stared a knife into Smae. An actual knife. It came out of his eyes and went into Smae’s chest and Smae died.  It was then that everyone knew: Jorgand Smorglos was a Hnifaugun.

  31. Omnipresence: Being Everywhere.  Omnipresenters are among the most powerful and most short-lived of all magicians.  Take Napos Galavax, an Omnipresenter who- once his magic was founded at 16- went on to capture an entire city by becoming it only to be simultaneously killed in every conceivable fashion.  Those who witnessed the magic-ceremony of Galavax said it was the most beautiful, terrible, horrifying, transcendent experience they ever had.
  32. Omniscience: Knowing Everything.  Omniscist Sir Morgan San-Soufi Hamlet Danube, Esq. III has written books on all topics and claims to know that he is the single greatest of all Omniscists.  Though rival Omniscist Hannibal Ungulate Reiganald Fortinbras VI, en harmonium says this claim is wrong, and that Sir Morgan Danube, Esq. III does not in fact know the exact number of times the eighth chickadee to have ever existed in the Kingdom of Poland blinked.  Sir Morgan Danube Esq. III claims that Hannibal en harmonium is only saying this because he himself doesn’t know that he knows this and, thus, is in fact an inferior Omniscist because of it.  In this argument one thing can be certain: Omniscists are among the most pretentious and annoying of all magicians.
  33. Omniphagery: Eating Everything.  Omniphage Chomp Nomsky nearly made Omniphagery into a forbidden magic when he set out to eat the sun.  He started on Earth and slowly ate his way through the air, through the gravity holding him down, through the atmosphere (fun fact: this may be where the hole in the ozone layer came from), and through space by eating every wave of solar radiation.  Nomsky made it to the corona of the sun, and prepared to sink his teeth in when a solar flare engulfed him before he could eat it.  The last anyone heard from Nomsky was that the Corona of the sun tasted like melting honey-pepper.
  34. Alchemy: Transmutation Magic.  Yes, most Alchemists go after the old lead-to-gold trick.  It’s a classic, and a type of coming-of-age for any young alchemist: If you turn lead to gold then you can get a job in the bigger Alchemy firms.  This, however, isn’t the most impressive of Alchemical feats.  It was said that Alchemist Gerhardt Gerhardt Gerhardt was able to successfully transmute his arm into an alligator (The alligator, having a mind of it’s own and not liking being attached to a person, immediately killed GGG).  Another famous Alchemist, Bluest Greenight, transmuted an entire village (stones, roofs, people, and birds) into stone, then mercury, then- finally- back into organic matter.  The village’s core components were shifted, though, and when Bluest got the village back into organic matter it was no longer a village but a giant tumor-beast that took eighteen of the best magicians to slay.
  35. Solvlast: Salt Magic.  Hompmah Prizrak was the King of Salt in 570 BCE, controlling the Bulgarian salt trade which took the best of salts to Greece, China, etc. and also trained other Solvastos.  Leon of Sparta decided that he shouldn’t take orders from a barbarian and organized an attack against Prizrak.  Six months later Leon received a large chest, which contained the salted and dehydrated remains of his entire army.
  36. Metalmancy: Metal Magic. The history of Metalmancy is one of gradual rise to power.  In ancient times Metalmancers were mostly known for coin tricks, then the became important in war efforts both in instant repairs to armor but also in animating suits of armor to fight in conflicts.  In the modern era Metalmancers work everywhere from construction, to mining, to ecological cleanup.  It’s even said that there’s a secret society of Metalmancers that secretly control the world, and that they are responsible for 9/11 and the Kennedy assassination.
  37. Financemetry: Money Magic. Financemetrists have made a fine mess of the world for most of their history, and the only reason this magic isn’t forbidden is because Financemetrists are among the richest of magicians.  Take the example of Oldy Forbes, who single-handedly caused the 1929 Stock market crash because he had a bad day, or more recently Bernie Madoff who almost got away with highly illegal money magics because he was very, very rich.
  38. Legiametry: Law Magic.  Harvard, before being open to all peoples magic and non-magic alike, was the primary Legiametry school in the United States.  It was here that young Legiametrists learned how to hone their skills to manipulate written laws to their will.  It’s important to note that Legiametrists can only manipulate written laws, and that their powers only exist so long as those they go against have extreme faith in legal systems.  Otherwise, a Legiametrist is powerless.
  39. Cinemetry: Movie Magic!  Cecil B. DeMille was one of the first revealed Cinemterists, and though his work in the movie studios can be seen, what is often overlooked is his involvement in the world wars.  DeMille first proved the power of the Cinemetrist in World War I when he was able to keep a crashing biplane up in the air with what appeared to be invisible monofilament lines.  he was also able to construct massive encampments and false war machines with the wave of his hand (another feat he was able to accomplish with the Ghost Armies of World War II).
  40. Vaahinee Jaadoo: Tube Magic.  Olgos Dromastaemous was a Vaahinee Jaadoogar who not only built aqueducts throughout ancient Greece, but also played a prominent role in the Trojan War when he trapped a number of Trojan ships in tubes and waited for their crews to run out of oxygen.  He was also very important for building the tube-tunnel beneath Troy, which was going to be the Greeks surprise attack before they decided on the Trojan Horse instead.
  41. Typometry: Typographic Magic. Nächster Guttenberg isn’t as well-known as his father in non-magic circles, but among magicians he is known as being the preeminent Typometrist.  Having been disowned by his father (though, to be fair, Johannes may not have known that Nächster existed), the second Guttenberg used his father printing press to create a legion of living letters: So long as there were words, Guttenberg could summon them to do his will.  This all backfired once Nächster was cornered in a field surrounded by illiterate peasants and soldiers with coats of arms, with no letters to summon he was stabbed and killed.  Later Typometrists found out that they could turn living matter into letters, though more often than not this results in the Typomestrist themselves being trapped forever as a letter on a page.

  42. Amns-Nomen: Name Magic.  +\!!!> was an Amnser-Nomen who spent her life searching for the true name of the world, because as we all know Amnser-Nomen are able to control anything they have the true name to.  +\!!!> asked the trees and rocks surrounding her home in her efforts to uncover the Earth’s name and gain control over it, but it was to no avail: +\!!!>, and by extension no other Amnser-Nomer, was able to find the Earth’s true name.

  43. Numerology: Number Magic.  Despite being widely ridiculed by the magic community, Numerologists will always be able to find work.  Francine Goldbaith, for example, spent fifteen years as a corporate accountant, like many Numerologists, until she was recruited by the military-industrial complex in the Cold War era to make it seem like the number of nuclear weapons the United States had was higher than it actually was.

  44. Arithmancy: Equational Magic. Arithmancers, with the power of changing and manipulating anything described by an equation, can be very powerful with the right tools.  Gog St. Vincent, for example, was an Arithmancer who was capable of manipulating the gravity around him simply by changing the operations included in Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation.  It got to the point where St. Vincent almost collapsed the Earth in on itself by shifting the gravity and was stopped by the local Magiquiary.  In his later years St. Vincent tried to once again change the world by making i^2=2, which would have collapsed every electrical grid and plunged the world into fire and eternal night, but instead decided to try and change the equations of particle physics instead.

  45. Geometry: Shape Magic. It has been said that the great pyramids of Egypt where actually built as giant towers of stone, and they continued to be these stone towers well after the Greeks took over Egypt.  Then Eulcid, one of the first great Geometrists, decided that the Great Towers of Egypt should reflect the divine nature of the world and transformed the towers into pyramids.

  46. Grafiquemage: Graphing and Statistical Visualization Magic.  Soups McGooey was the leading Grafiquemagi for Scorns & Associates, a business consulting firm in 1980’s Connecticut.  Those who worked with Soups claimed that every graph she created made them understand business in a transcendental fashion.  This changed when Soups took on a job with Lockheed Aircraft, and changed for the worse.  When looking at a set of Data Soups conjured up a deadly pie chart that went on a rampage throughout the office, devouring people whole and taking on their risk assessment data to become even stronger.  In the end, Soups was able to banish the Pie Chart back into the Statistical Realm, but at the cost of becoming nothing more than a set of numbers herself. To this day, Soups McGooey is still just a set of numbers in a spreadsheet.

  47. Pimoshu: The Magic of Pi.  The First Pifashi- Heilun Xeixi- was misidentified as a low-level Geometrist at first, as the only thing she was able to change were circles.  However, as Xeixi got older she realized that it was not the geometry of Circles and sphere that she could manipulate, but their very definition.  She also realized that this extended to realms of Electromagnetism and Trigonemetric Waves.  Her Memoirs, Méiyǒu Jǐhétǐ, have formed the basis of Pifashis well into the modern age and have given the most succinct explanation of this magic which is: Pifashi see Pi in all things, and Pifashi can change Pi in all things.

  48. Paimoshu: The Magic of Pie. Oufei Xeixi was the sister of Heilun, and she is known as the first Paifashi.  While her sister whiled away staring at numbers and shapes and creating concentric circles in the air, Oufei was baking.  No matter what she tried to make- even if it was soup- it would always come out as a pie.  As the Xeixi’s distanced themselves from the sisters, Oufei realized she needed help and created Pie Golems to aide around the house and their surrounding fruit orchards.  For any raiders that came near, either Heilun would change the nature of their skull’s shape (after all, our skull has plenty of spheres in it), or Oufei would trap them in a delicious Pie.  So it was that Oufei showed the power of the Paifashi: That even though they have a funny power, they still have power.

  49. Lignumancy: Wood Magic.  Contrary to Herbamancers, Lignumancers need their plants dead and processed to have their magic work.  However, as Lignumancer Fortinbras Gallagher showed, their powers extend to both the animation and control of wooden objects (tables, chairs, signposts, whittled bears), but also to paper.  Finding himself surrounded by a legion of Fight Magicians without his Wooden army around him, Fortinbras was able to summon the papers from nearby recycling bins to swarm around and distract the fight magicians while Gallagher opened up a wooden portal and exited, full of splinters, safely home.  Gallagher did later find out the hard way, though, that Lignuancy only extends to tree bark, and not other dead plants, as he tried to ward off the same group of Fight Magicians with a bunch of dead flowers only to wind up dead himself.

  50. Metamorphosis: Shape-shifting. Ingrid Ghostback was a Metamorphist prodigy, capable of changing a brick into a mouse and back again in under two seconds.  Her pride was rather literally erased one day, though, when trying to perform the greatest of Metaphorosist feats (Shape shifting one’s torso into an elephant) when she mistakenly shape-shifted herself into a balloon and, now being inanimate, wasn’t able to shape-shift back.  Ingrid is now on display at the Smithsonian Magic Museum in Washington D.C.

  51. Wishmastery: The Magic of Granting Wishes. Contrary to popular belief, there is no limit to what a wishmaster can do: Do you wish for more wishes? DONE. Do you wish for true love? DONE. Do you wish to bring back the dead? DONE AND DONE. Wishmasters are, however, cursed in that they can only use their magic if another person wishes for them to, and only if that person says the words “I wish…”.  This is further complicated by the fact that Wishmasters don’t serve one person, and so if Person A wishes for Person B to be dead all Person B has to do is, before being killed by A’s wish, to wish for A’s wish to be changed so that Person B can go on living.  If all of this weren’t complicated enough, most Wishmasters also feel incredibly used by those around them and will often try to twist wishes in what is known as “The Monkey’s Paw Effect” where wishes gain an ironic and often deadly side-effect.
  52. Thaumaturgy: The Magical ability to do really neat things every once in a while.  St. Andrew Corsini, a Thaumaturge, is most known for accurately being told by the Virgin Mary, who appeared in a great beam of light with 17 cherubs flying around her like moths, that he will die come the Feast of the Epiphany.  However, he was able to do a few other really neat things in his life like on April 3rd 1322 when he, in the middle of a Florentine Winehouse, he jumped up and started singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.  Later, once he was a Bishop negotiating peace in Bologna he was able to make what is Historically noted as the greatest Bologna pun of all time.  He also once gave a poor beggar a piece of paper that ended up folding open to reveal a rip in space-time, where the beggar fell through and became Walt Disney. Disney thought that was a neat trick.
  53. Henosis: Merging Magic. The life of a Henosist is an odd one.  Take Llewyn Starpeerer, a sailor with the Dutch Trading Company who one night merged with his ship.  The next day most of his crew had been digested inside his galley-belly, and those who weren’t abandoned the Llewyn ship, leaving him alone as a one-man-ship sailing the seas forever, for it was feared that if ever he were to port he would merge and absorb more ships and possibly even the entire port itself.  Llewyn eventually merged with a school of minnows and drowned them all with his human lungs.
  54. Šeširočaro: Hat Magic. There certainly was magic in that old silk hat on Frosty the Snowman’s head, and that’s because it belonged to famed Šeširobuk Prof. William Hinkle.  Hinkle was a teacher of hat magic at Stetson University (the leading institution for Hat Magic), but he was also a part-time stage magician using his magic to pull rabbits and swords out of hats, disappear assistants into hats, and makes fireworks come out of his hat.  “The Frosty Incident”, as it has become known, was a travesty of hat magic that nearly cost Hinkle his professorship, the only thing that saved him was the fact that bringing to life inanimate objects with a hat had never been done before by a Šeširobuk and is now one of the most complex spells in the magical community.
  55. Catoptromancy: Mirror Magic.  Addanlo Mastar was a notorious thief, wanted in thirteen countries and pulling off some truly impressive heists (including one of many thefts of Munch’s “The Scream”).  The few who were able to corner Mastar said she was able to disappear at a moment’s notice, though teleportationists claimed it was impossible.  Finally magic detective Heller Smoke cracked the case: Addanlo Mastar was a Catoptromancer, capable of escaping through mirrors, creating mirror images of rooms and objects, and deflecting projectiles with mirrors.  She was finally apprehended by Magikamancers who trapped her in her own mirror, where she resides to this day.
  56. Horology: Clock Magic.  Cuckoo Tickentok (birth name Jonathan Greenwalt) was not a good Horologist, hence why he changed his name to a gimmick.  Tickentok went on to terrorize London as a masked super-villain, though most of his schemes involved stopping Big Ben, making Big Ben tick backwards, making Big Ben a digital clock, etc.  Magical authorities didn’t take Tickentok seriously. Until he killed off most of London by having their watches and clocks sprout clockwork wings and legs and go on a massive killing spree.  After that Tickentok was sent to Bábkové where he tends the clocktower (he also built the clocktower, because he’s unnaturally obsessed with clocks).
  57. Balai-magique: Broom Magic. James Algar was a Balai-magi under the employ of Walt Disney (who was a mid-level salt magician and the bane of his family’s farm).  Algar was hired, like many Balai-magi, to keep Disney’s extensive estate clean and free of dust, terrible terrible dust.  Algar did this by animating an army of brooms to do his bidding, which Disney thought was such a novel idea he forcibly injected it into the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” segment of Fantasia.  Algar only found out about this years later after Disney died, witnesses claim that Algar was so upset that he was never told nor did he ever get any recompense for his idea that he hopped onto a broom and flew off into the sunset.  He was never seen again.
  58. Kasamahō: Umbrella Magic. Hira Baarish was born and died in the town of Cherrapunji, known as the birthplace for many a Hydromancer.  Baarish, however, was born allergic to water.  She spent the first fifteen years of her life inside and raised above the wet ground of her home, but fortunately things changed when she turned 16 and discovered herself to be a Kasamaji.  Baarish was finally able to step outside of her home, followed by her umbrella familiar Akash who would dutifully shield her from the rain, and even dry the area around her.  Baarish went on to work primarily in real estate, where she would use her powers to dry out land around construction and renovation sites long enough to have foundations laid for homes and businesses, and to this day many of Baarish’s umbrella-beacons can be found among busy squares keeping the people dry, and though Baarish is dead Akash lives on and keeps watch over her gravestone.
  59. Cartomancy: Card Magic. Cartolina Triomphe, like many Cartomancers, began her magical career by asking “Is this your card?”, knowing full well that it would always be the exact card the person was thinking of (even if it were, say, a greeting card).  It’s a simple but effective trick.  Triomphe, however, went on to become the famed Queen of Hearts when she opened the a card-rift into the Heart-world.  She ruled over her Suit domain for Fifty years and 6000 bridge games, led a full-scale attack against the King of Diamonds, and married the Jack of Spades in a Crazy Eights game that defied Card history.  After her marriage she exited the card universe with the Jack (now Jack Spadely) and lived the rest of her life writing for Hallmark in Nova Scotia.
  60. Cartography: Map Magic. Amerigo Vespucci is the premier example of a Cartographer.  He was able to manipulate maps of the time and shift land masses around them to show that the Brazillian coast belonged to a separate continent, instantly brand this new land mass with his name on every map, and even map out a few future landmarks (Including the Mall of America!).  Vespucci only ever made it to mid-level Cartography (so he was never able to visit anywhere he had placed on a map), but his name still lives on.
  61. Stickermagery: Sticker Magic. Hornsbald Golgolman was a brilliant Stickermage who rode on the back of a Lisa Frank unicorn and could instantly change a person’s name with a nametag.  Golgolman stopped the vicious Mandrake of Candle Cove by trapping it in a banana sticker-label, stopped a Typometrist attack on Times Square by turning the flying letters into stickers, and animated countless Hello Kitties for children all across the lands.  Golgolman met his ultimate demise when being awarded by the Archmage Frownbeard with the Gold Star of Bravery, which ended disastrously for everyone when the star became manifest and nearly destroyed the Earth with it’s heat, gravity, and fission.

  62. Pigmamancy: Paint Magic. Though Pigmamancers like Rembrandt or Monet, who were able to take landscapes and trap them in the paint-world, were very powerful and are immensely impressive, even more impressive is Pigmamancer Jackson Pollock.  Pollock was able to extract thoughts from peoples heads and turn them into streams of paint, he was able command paint globules with his voice, and even tap into the presence of a primordial paint-God.  It’s also important to note, though, that not every famous artist is a Pigmamancer.  Leonardo Da Vinci? Pyromancer.  In fact, he had one piece that history says was his masterpiece which he accidently burnt.

  63. Fíodóiraíochta: Weaving Magic. Sampo Salo was a Fíodóirdraoi who started out weaving moving tapestries and traveling into quilt-worlds.  One day, though, Sampo thought he’d try to animate some sweaters.  This turned deadly when the sweaters, now finding themselves living a tortured existence of perpetual pain, turned against Sampo and suffocated him.  He tried to save himself by animating pillows, sock monkeys, socks, anything out of string that he could, but everything was only imbued with the same pain and hatred for their creator.  The string-constructs of Sampo still walk the Earth, forever tortured, though many are now in magic zoos safely behind glass.

  64. Phosphoromancy: Light Magic. Susan Kirby, The Invisible Woman, was for many years misidentified as an Invisiblist.  During her life, however, this would be questioned when for a period of eight months she was a living rainbow, and for fourteen months she was followed around by an afterimage of herself.  To add even more confusion to Susan’s true magic was the fact that she couldn’t be photographed, and would sometimes flash in a retina-destroying beam of light.  The last part, the beam of light, finally clued in the local Magiquary that her magic license had to be changed from Invisiblist to Phosphoromancer.  Unfortunately when they did change it Susan travelled about the speed of light and ended up traveling back in time and erasing her own birth before a Chronomancer was able to fix the timeline and bring her back into existence, only this time she really was an Invisiblist and not a Phosphoromancer.

  65. Farolamage: Lamppost Magic.  Noyaux Pomona was a Farolamagi during the French revolution who would use her magic powers to teleport away from Monarchists, cause the lampposts that lined the Paris streets to bend down and snatch people up, and take the light away from the night streets so her comrades could move in the shadows.  Louis XVI was finally able to apprehend Pomona by cornering her in an alleyway in broad daylight.  With no lampposts around, Pomona was powerless.

  66. Rafgaldur: Electromagnetic Magic. Steeg Gort was a viking Raftöfra who would command storms at sea, and command lightning from the sky to strike at neighboring clans.  Gort discovered some rudimentary attributes of magnetism as well by stopping the iron weapons used against his men in battle.  The only down side to Gort’s immense strength in battle was that he- being only a mid-level Raftöfra- constantly interfered with his ship’s navigation and compasses.  He ended up dying, stranded in the North Pole.

  67. Spiders!: Spider Magic. Jimmy Halfgait was perhaps the most powerful Spidermage to have ever existed: He commanded legions of spiders with his thoughts, he could create mental constructs of spiders, he could melt into spiders, he could have spider crawl out of his skin, he could turn people into spiders and spiders into people.  He could have been a spider-god.  The only problem was that Jimmy was immensely arachnophobic, and every time he used his power he was overcome with crippling fear.

  68. Potoplify: Energy Conversion. All of the scientists who worked on the Manhattan Project were magicians, of course, though only Oppenheimer was a Potoplifier. It was Oppenheimer’s job both to work out the Fast Neutron calculations of the atomic testing, but he was also in charge of converting residual atomic energy into low-level ultraviolet energy.  He also walked around the test grounds after the Trinity test and converted all of the nuclear fallout to potential energy, which would manifest in little pockets of “slow motion”.  Oppenheimer’s famous quoting of the Bhagavad Ghita “I am become death” was in regards both to the horrendous power he loosed on the world, but also because Oppenheimer knew he would have a long night of clean-up ahead of him.

  69. Potophagery: Energy Absorption. Julia Neverwhat was a Potophage who had achieved the highest level of magic and was able to absorb magical energy from others.  She is on of the few non-Magikamancer to have made a living offering to rid people of magical powers, whether they were Omnipresenters who were caught early enough or Ennuimagis who grew tired of being magicians.  Neverwhat was also an early champion of woman-wizard rights: she was one of the first women to be on the board of the New York Magiquary, she was in the March of 1000 Woman-wizards in Washington, and she even led an assault against a group of incredibly misogynistic Neuromages.

  70. Eudaimonia: The Magic of Happiness. Jimmy Omnol was a low-level Eudaimonic and a high-level con-artist who swindled millions of people out of their money through a self-help seminar called “Unlocking your inner Happy Person”.  During the seminar Omnol would use his powers to make everyone in the room intensely happy, happy to sit and listen to Omnol’s “seminars” (which were mostly him reciting grocery lists), happy to give Omnol more money, happy to include Omnol in the last wills and testaments.  In the end the Kansas City Magiquary (Kansas City being well-known as being the most unhappy place on Earth) sent in specialized units to apprehend Omnol.  The attendees of the seminar were all too happy to defend Omnol, and a massive riot broke out during which Omnol was knocked unconcious and his happiness-spells broke.  He is currently in magic prison.

  71. Melancholia: The Magic of Sorrow.  Francisco Aleman was a conquistador who led an expedition deep into what is now the Yucatan Penninsula.  Francisco himself was a Lignumancer (which was helpful in jungle exploration), but his true purpose was to help his daughter Maria Aleman who was a Melancholic and otherwise would have been executed in 1487 Spain for spreading sadness to the kingdom.  The Alemans were able to set up a small village, Las Lágrimas, which among other things is known as being the origin of the story of La Llorona the infamous crying ghost.  It is said that Maria was set to marry Felipilo Lagarto, the son of Francisco’s expedition partner and an Immortalist, but since Maria was never taught to control her powers Felipilo was far too depressed to go forward with it.  Unable to bear the shame that it would bring on him and his family, Felipilo killed Maria, but cursed her spirit to forever wander the Earth shedding her ghostly tears.
  72. Reiðgaldur: The Magic of Anger.  Reiðtöfra, historically known as Berserkers though now this has a tone of denigration, have been on the fringes of magic society for most of written records.  Tybalt Laertes was a fearless Reiðtöfra who charged into many battle during the 12th century and was able to inspire the same vigor in those he surrounded, but once he entered civilian life he only inspired pub fights and petty arguments.  Mars Creed was another Reiðtöfra who used his powers to feed off of the anger of the underprivileged workers in his steel mill in Detroit and according to historical accounts (though these are barely legible, as they were written in intense anger) Creed nearly destroyed Detroit before a masked vigilante- Das Auto- stepped in.  Creed is now screaming in perpetual anger in a cell, though Eudaimonics are able to calm him down every once in a while.
  73. Phobomagery: The Magic of Fear.  Humdrum Bubblegum was a portly woman with bright red pigtails who lived in a candy-cane house with three adorable Pomeranian pups.  She was also a low-level Phobomage, and as such everyone was terrified to go anywhere near her house.  She was known as a terrible dragon-witch with flaming eyes who would devour children whole.  She even tried to set up a candy business in the nearby town, but everyone thought it was evil poison.  Fun Fact: Humdrum Bubblegum was the inspiration behind the Candy-Witch in Hansel and Gretel when news of the terrifying witch who lured kids into her hellish home with candy came to the Brothers Grimm (Another Fun Fact: Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm were typographic and umbrella magicians, respectively).
  74. Egercraft: The Magic of Awe.  Howard Thurston is among the most well-known Egercrafter, and the author of what is still the foremost book on Egercraft: Whiz-Bang!  To view many of Thurston’s now famous “rising card” tricks without the aide of Awe Spells one would note that he was just flipping cards over, however audiences would become enraptured by it and on the night where Thurston performed what many call his greatest trick of all time where attendees paid an enormous $7 to get in (mind you, this was around the turn of the 20th century).  There is only one immensely disappointed review of this trick from Magikamancer Istoph Exolusion where he stated: “He Just stood there for two minutes, then took out a deck of cards and showed someone the five of clubs.  That person became so excited that they had a seisure.  Thurston panicked for a while before calling the hospital to have the poor sick man taken away. I do not think he survived. Thurston got a standing ovation, even from the paramedics”.
  75. Ennuimage: The Magic of Boredom.  Hemoglobin Gygax was a prodigy Ennuimagi, having written the only book on Ennuimage: Boring Magic and Stuff which is  thirty pages long, with the last page being “stupid stupid magic” written over and over again.  Hemoglobin was also able to stop a bloody battle from happening amongst French and German troops in World War I by making both sides so bored with fighting that they put down their weapons and sat around complaining about mud for forty-five minutes before taking an aimless stroll.  Hemoglobin apparently didn’t even want to stop the battle, but the great Chronomancer Geordi Treblecleff asked really nice, and she wasn’t going to be doing anything that day anyways.  Hemoglobin’s tremendous power ended up being her undoing, though, as she died very young at 36 when her heart “became so bored it stopped beating”. She was working on a second book called More Magic Stuff I forgot About The First Time or Whatever.
  76. Epistomancy: The Magic of Trust.  Richard Nixon is, for better or worse, the first Epistomancer any magician can name.  He first began using his trust magic for personal gain during law school by making his professors trust him with test answers.  Throughout the next few years Nixon would pull similar stunts: Make people trust him, and use that for his advantage.  Fortunately, he was a congressman so no one thought of it.  Even those who did would keep on trusting Nixon.  This all came to a head in the Watergate scandal.  The public was conflicted: They wanted to trust Nixon, but the evidence against him was overwhelming.  The Archmage at the time, Dooley Pickens Lamppost Magician, was able to undo many of the interweaving spells Nixon had cast during Nixon’s hearings and eventually, having realized the full extent of his actions, Nixon resigned.  It was then that he was cursed by an Immortalist: for the remainder of his time Nixon’s life force would be connected to how many people who would forgive him of his many lies.  Nixon tried to make up for a lifetime of abuse of power, but in the end one person never forgave him and Nixon died.
  77. Nàixīmoshu: The Magic of Waiting.  Nikkeil Kha is believed by many (for good reason) to have been the greatest magician who ever lived even though she only ever performed one spell.  From the moment she was revealed as a Nàixīfashi to her death 94 years later she sat alone in a mountain shrine, weaving her spell.  Thousands flocked to see her work, with one word being uttered over the course of months.  Right before she died she finished, and the mountain that her shrine was on crumbled, let out a pillar of light, and sunk into a lake.  It was brilliant, and no one knows how she did it.
  78. Amoremancy: Love Magic.  Cuddly Wuvenstuff was the greatest Amoremancer to have lived, capable of creating flawless love potions, looking at a person and telling them without fail the name of their soulmate, fixing marriage on the rocks, and even easing Cold War tensions during the Kennedy era.  Wuvenstuff was also the most miserable and lonely magician to have ever lived, as are most Amoremancers as they’re never certain if anyone- even their own parents- truly love them or if they’ve been weaving subconscious magic.  Cuddly Wuvenstuff spiraled downwards to alcoholism and drug use, and eventually committed suicide on April 27th, 1973.
  79. Gonamagery: The Magic of Being a Parent.  Hellion Bloode was raised on the mean streets of Detroit, and at a young age got into a major Hnifaugu altercation which left him with knife marks all along his left side.  Due to another altercation with the head of the Detroit Ventriloquist Mob  (Mr. Chuckles) Bloode’s voice sounded like a bag of rocks.  By the time he was 15, everyone thought it was over Bloode, that he would be another magician who would fall through the cracks.  That was when Bloode was revealed to be a Gonamage.  After that he was supremely proud of everyone in his community and would sort through a large photo book of all the people he knew, showing the picture to anyone who would listen.  He would show up at work with a mini-van and offer rides to soccer practice or the movies, and would ask questions like “Do you kids still like the rap music?”, or “How’s about we all get some frosty chocolate milkshakes?”.  Everyone loved Hellion Bloode like a father, and Hellion Bloode loved everyone like they were his kids.
  80. Pappoumagery: The Magic of Being a Grandparent.  Kiddo Bloode was, of course, the the son of Hellion.  And Hellion was a great Dad!  He’d show up to all of Kiddo’s little league games, he was deeply involved with Kiddo’s school and had a vast collection of camcorder tapes of all of Kiddo’s recitals and school plays, Hellion was great and an inspiration to the community.  Hellion was so great that Kiddo was worried that he’d never live up to his father’s expectations.  Fortunately, Kiddo was revealed to be a Pappoumancer.  Kiddo would shuffle through the neighborhood and offer hard candy to his friends; he would reminisce about the times when he was 10 years old and finger-sized skateboard were “cool”, and recount stories from the great Tekken tournament of ’97.  Luckily this was during the mid-2000’s, when reminiscing about things that happened five years ago was in vogue.  Kiddo was also free of feeling like he had to save up money and establish himself as an adult, and instead focused on what he truly loved: Butterflies.  He’d often talk for long hours about butterflies too. His Dad was so proud of him, and Kiddo was proud to see his little Dad all grown up and making a name for himself too.  Side Note: Kiddo’s son, Sonny, broke from the family and ended up being a decent Phosphomancer.
  81. Umbramancy: Shadow Magic.  Gilda Sturm, Queen of the Shadows, was the lead Magician at the Philadelphia Magiquary by the time she was 29 in 1976.  She would command shadows, steal shadows, melt into the shadows, and even volunteered at local public libraries giving shadow puppet show to the children.  This was also at a time when the Archmage, Dooley Pickens Lamppost Magician, was held in very low regard and everyone thought that Sturm would be the next Archmage of North America including Sturm herself.  This changed when Gilda’s best friend, Moira Drang- a gifted Phobomage- was killed because of intolerance and fear (not because Moira was a Phobomage, but because she was a black lesbian who fell in love with the daughter of a rich Philadelphian Alderman who couldn’t bear the shame it would bring).  Sturm spent the rest of her life running a non-profit fighting intolerance and helping underprivileged magicians afford higher education.

  82. Immortality: Healing Magic.  Myrddin Wyllt, or Merlin as he’s more commonly known as (and Nimue finding out his true name is part of what led to Merlin’s ultimate demise), is everybody’s favorite Immortalist.  This is for good reason, as he lived for over one thousand years by constantly healing his dying cells, he made Excalibur into the deadly blade it was by reverse-engineering his Immortality powers, and he is one of the few non-Magikamancers to have been able to cast spells from other magics (though never anything high-level).  A fun Merlin Fact: He had a deal with Chronomancer Chewy Nougat to bring him an Oh Henry! chocolate bar on his birthday every year after Merlin saved Nougat from a Dire Bear.  This information is eventually what led the Lady of the Lake to find Merlin’s name, though he would always insist that it was worth it.

  83. Majelidan: Poison Magic. Herb Trowlers is one of the few Majelidans to have made it past 18 years old, as most poison themselves and are unable to magically craft an anti-poison in time.  Trowlers, though, was lucky, and he didnt want to push his luck.  So he spent his time on a rattlesnake ranch in Old West Colorado, making rattlesnake anti-venom for doctors and travelers and any other sorts of anti-ventom folks may need.  He tried not to make a name for himself, but before long he ran afoul of the Lead Foot Gang from up near Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  Ol’ Stompin’ Greg, leader of the Lead Feet and a high-level Metalmancer, challenged Herb to a showdown. Greg died of lead poisoning, Herb died of lead.

  84. Leaíochta: Potion Mastery.  Dr. Henry Jekyll was a well-educated Leaídroi, having learned from the oldest potion school out there: The Blackburn Institute.  Dr. Jekyll spent his time in Gentlemen’s clubs and barrooms, as was the style at the time, until one day he was challenged to a potion duel by Dr. Hurlhahn Kleinstein (The nerve!).  Jekyll and Kleinstein- attempting to create a potion which would grant them abilities from another magic- decided through The Rules of English Magick Duelry- that Jekyll would drink Hulhahn’s potion and vice-versa.  We all known what happened to Jekyll, Hurlhahn had weaved in a terrible Metamorphist spell.  Hurlhahn, meanwhile, caught on fire.  Jekyll and Hyde both agreed it was worth it, because Hurlhahn was the true beast for not having gone to Blackburn.

  85. Voodoo: Channeling charms.  No discussion of Voodoo can be had without first mentioning Marie Laveau, who not only did she craft thousands of charms for the poor and needy of New Orleans and beyond, she also wrote the foremost textbook on Voodoo: Beyond Zombis, where she discussed many of the intricacies of Voodoo magic and dispelled many of the myths.  Laveau’s spirit is still accessible through her grave, which is a special charm she crafted herself, and she also lives on with the Marie Laveau foundation which seeks out and gives research grants to young Voodoo practitioners.  The most recent grant winner, Coarsley Norandu, is working on making an aluminum alloy that will channel Spenta Mainyu, the Zoroastrian archangel of “Bountiful Spirit”. Energy drink companies are watching this research with great interest.

  86. Varicellardy: The Magic of Chicken Pox.  Chicken Pox was a terrible disease, sweeping through entire towns and wiping them out. It was thought at the height of the Chicken Pox Scare of 1650 that the disease would be worse than the Black Plague.  Finally, in 1656, the leading Sciencemancers and Magikamancers of the Supramagiquary off the coast of Africa were able to successfully make the first Varicellard in Richard Morton (who up until that point had been a weaving magician specializing in monograms).  Morton was awarded the silver moon of magic by the Archmage Merckus Oval.

  87. Sciencemancy: Science Magic.  Before Sciencemancy it was thought that the Gods and Archmages controlled the world, which is primarily how some of the more feared Archmages like Dort Ra Mghu and Choorish Ipop got away with their horrible, horrible crimes against magickind.  It’s also how one Pyromancer, Goody Dushu, was able to start up the Salem Witch trials.  But through the work of Sciencemancers like Isaac Newton, Marie Curie, and Max Planck the world has been radically changed for the better.  Even to this day the best Sciencemancers are working on unraveling the scientific nature of the universe, unlocking new and exciting magical possibilities, and conducting important magic counter-research to make sure other magicians are conducting correct experiments.  A magician need not be a Sciencemancer to make large scientific discoveries, though, as Charles Darwin was a Beastmaster and Nikola Tesla was a well-regarded Cartographer.

  88. Cybermagery: Computing Magic.  Pyx3l Syzygy was elected Archmage of Berkley in 1993, and to this day holds the record for the most illustrious of all Archmages (including Barharbar the Incompetent).  He spent up a lot of Berkley’s magical energies trying to launch a digital database of fire hydrants in the city, he gave high paying positions in government to under-qualified friends (the waste commissioner of Berkley is still Decycle Gregory, a low-level Phobomage hired during the Summer of Pyx3l), and he auctioned off seats on the school board for supposedly high-end technology (mostly, it was Sega GameGears and some early VR equipment).  Pyx3l even briefly held the city under martial law, claiming that he’d only give up power for “The n00b who can get past my many firewalls”.  Moose Climbtree got past them in an hour and a half after much slamming on a keyboard from Pyx3l.  Pyx3l stepped down from the archmage position and currently spends his time on message boards ruining “Game of Thrones” for people. As a side note: Moose Climbtree wasn’t a Cybermage or very good with computers.  He was a Lignumancer and a firefighter.

  89. Krystalosum: Glass Magick.  For centuries Glass was immune to magic, until Sciencemancer Frodo Hydenstein in 1863.  Frodo had been given a grant from the Royal Academie of Magicks to continue her work in wards and penetrating magic, and had already crafted a firebolt that could pass through a block of ice a meter thick!  Late one night Frodo was working on her next project: creating a better containment cell for Bábkové Skala, when the magical energies she was working with became unstable and engulfed her laboratory.  Frodo was frozen in glass for two years before she was able to break out, but when she did she became the first Krystalose and the first in centuries to create a new magic.

  90. Bibliosahar: Library Magic. Demetrius of Phaleron was not the first Bibliosahir, nor is he the best to have existed (to date, that honor belongs to the Bookmage of Ottowa), but he does hold the honor of not only being in charge of the organization and day-to-day mechanics of the Library of Alexandria, but also as being one of the most powerful magicians in the Classical Era.  Demetrius not only guided the scrolls of papyrus back and forth from their shelves to the patrons, he also kept the library safe from dust mites, pyromancers, and evil phobomages (because as well all know, fear is the mortal enemy of knowledge).  It was even said that when Melvil Dewey, creator of the Dewey Decimal system, was searching for the perfect library classification system he used Demetrius’ journals for inspiration.  However, Dewey made one too many enemies, the greatest of which was Julius Caesar who set fire to the Library in 48 BC.

  91. Spartimageía: Fighting Magic. Stoppard Killswitch was a powerful Spartimagos and a highly decorated soldier in World War II, having fought his way through the Second Battle of El Alamein, the Invasion of Sicily, and even into the Eastern borders of Germany.  Killswitch came home to a parade, and his wife couldn’t have been happier with him.  It wasn’t until after the war that Killswitch started to run into problems.  He was unable to control his violent behavior, and found himself in and out of jails and drunk tanks often.  He would wake up screaming and punching the wall, and eventually demanded his wife leave with their child out of fear that he may hurt them.  Eventually Killswitch was able to find respite in a wartime survivor’s group and in anti-depressants, and he found steady employment in demolition and as a boxing instructor.  He still has violent episodes, and he still struggles, but things are getting better.
  92. Thanatosum: Chaos Magick.  Aleister Crowley was a low-level Thanatose, and when he first published The Book of the Law in 1904 he was actually trying to stop a renegade mummy raised by Necromancer and Egyptologist Karl Baldersten.  Unfortunately Thanatosum is an unstable magic, just as likely to cast a magical bolt that would destroy a reanimated egyptian prince as it is to turn its user into stone. Crowley took this as a sign from the Egyptian god Ra that he wasn’t meant to kill the prince and instead worship it, and the two became good friends and bunkmates until the Mummy, who Crowley named Ahathoor, was taken in by the British museum in 1928.  Crowley never forgave them, and every day would try to destroy the museum only to, among other things: turn peoples heads into balloons, melt the whale skeleton, make the models of ancient man wear long pants, and cause a giant ghost clown to waddle through the museum singing the score from the HMS Pinafore.
  93. Élegamange: The Magic of being able to eat elegantly.  Simone LaLangue was the toast of the town in belle époque Paris who was invited to every party, every gala, anywhere where people could gaze as he shoved cheese, bread, berries, anything into his mouth.  Whitelaw Reed, a US diplomat who saw the Élegamangeur in action at the Exposition Universelle, claimed “To see Simone eat is to gaze into the mouth of God.  Truly he is France’s greatest jewel, and I but wish I had a lifetime to spend here so that I may gaze at the sublime angle of his fork and knife as he digs into a slab of steak, the brilliant SMACK of his lips as he chews his food, and the awe-inspiring ease with which he wipes his mouth with a napkin.  Beyond Edison’s electric bulb and Debussy’s sonatas, LaLangue was the true winner of the Exposition Universelle”.
  94. Alssujad Sihr: Carpet Magic.  Yes, yes, we all know of Prince Husain the Alssujad Sahir who made a carpet fly, and it’s very impressive. However it’s much like an Alchemist turning lead into Gold: It’s the first trick one learns and it really only serves as a party trick.  However, there have been much greater Alssujad Sahirs: Like Abdul-Qadir Gilani who was able to use his carpet to create a pocket of osmosis which allowed him to walk across the river Tigris, Wiktor Vasnetsov who trapped people on a painted carpet, or American Actor Jeff Bridges who has used his carpet to fuel his fantastic acting career.  The only important thing for an Alssujad Sahir is not to be like Roomborn Stallinsnow who used his magic carpet to light his house on fire, which also burned his carpet and caused a magical singularity that the Archmage Frownbeard had to stop.
  95. Kanataika: Chicken Magic.  As we all know chickens were considered for centuries to be the most magically powerful of all creatures, because they possess a unique immunity to almost all forms of magic.  This was before the witch Baba Yaga, who began life in 1715 as an Enchanter but dreamed of being something more.  She lived in a hut in the woods and raised chickens, hundreds of them, as she found a comfort in their beady chicken-eyes and constant bocking.  She would try every day to use her magic on the chickens, but of course it wouldn’t work.  Baba Yaga was unsuccessful until her 40th birthday in 1755, when she woke up in her hut and found all of her chickens surrounding her.  One, Kudkudakaty, hopped onto her bed and said: “For your commitment to the chicken cause, we have chosen you Baba Yaga.  Rise today, for you are now the witch of chickens: The Kanataikuri”.
  96. Swelgendorcraft: Vortex Magic.  The only magic defined more by the circumstances in which it can be used then the circumstances which it causes, Swelgendocrafters can only cast spells in a vortex: whirlpools, air eddies, the winds surrounds tornados and dust devils, ship wakes, etc.  Paul the Deacon was the first known Swlgendocrafter, said to be able to cause maelstroms with a twirl of his finger, or drill a hole one thousand miles deep with a twist of his staff.  So long as Paul had enough vorticity, he could infuse it with any magical attribute or power he wished, including one instance in 777 where he made an invisible tornado that made any birds caught in it sing the name of God.
  97. Vacuumancy: Void Magic.  Zhang Heng is the first documented Vacuumancer, though at the time the concept of a vacuum was beyond comprehension as it was believed the Earth, Sun, and Stars all existed in a type of mechanical sea in the heavens.  Zhang began to question this when he created his first Xūkōng Shòu or Voidwalker, a creature made of living nothingness.  Zhang was terrified by this beast who engulfed all things around it before vanishing (for nature abhors a vacuum), and began to study his own powers resulting in the formation of his belief that there were large swaths of nothingness in between the mechanisms of the Earth, the Sun, and the Heavens.  He published his findings in a book not truly published until it was found again in the 19th century  entitled My Thoughts on Nothing.
  98. Chronomancy: Time Magic.  Ami Swindle is the most enigmatic of all magicians.  It is not known whether Swindle is the first Chronomancer, the last Chronomancer, or just a very good one, but she has been seen throughout history.  Swindle’s exact motives are also clouded in mystery, from the record book of Chewy Nougat she is described as immensely selfish and monomaniacal (though it is also important to note that Swindle and Nougat used to be lovers before a famous break-up in the court of Napoleon), infamous Backward-man Benjamin Button describes Swindle as a trickster and deserving of her name (though it’s important to note that Button’s “condition” was the result of curse Swindle put on him, and that he actually really enjoyed living backwards until he was an 80 year-old fetus), or a guardian of time itself by the last great Archmage Jimmy Carter (though it’s important to note that Swindle is a major donor to Habitat for Humanity, and has claimed that she grew up in a Habitat for Humanity house in New Detroit).  Swindle herself refuses to answer many questions about herself or when she comes from or how she’s altered the timeline.  She will answer questions about Chewy Nougat, though, who she claims was “An Arthurian jerk who deserved to be trapped in glass”.
  99. Spatiamancy: Dimensional Space Magic.  For years it was assumed that Edwin A. Abbott’s famous novella “Flatland” was just a story, however in a 1908 interview with the Washington Post Abbott revealed that he was a Spatiamancer who had actually travelled to the second dimension for four years to document second dimensional society.  He claimed it was “Immensely boring”, which has since been backed up by other Spatiamancers.  Abbott also claimed to have visited the matriarchal second dimension, and even briefly sojourned into the fifth dimension where he saw “A monster of all possibilities”.  Abbott also claimed, during his schoolboy days when he was just learning about Spatiamancy, that he spent three days trapped as a drawing in a notebook.
  100. Magikamancy: Magic Magic.  The rarest and most powerful of all magics, the most notable example of the Magikamancer is Torvald Clambake who made it necessary to create the Magiquary system now in place in the 11th century when he went on a quest to rule the world.  All the horses and all the men were mobilized against Clambake, though he was able to turn every magic against the person who cast the spell and against others.  With the threat of magical apocalypse nigh, the fate of the magical world rested on Bald Sorpano: A Nils (or a person born with no magic.  Roughly 12 in every 100,000 people are born Nils).  Bald was able to successfully walk up to Clambake and stab him, over and over again with a rusty knife.  The Scriers who saw this claimed it was a terrible but cathartic death.  After that Magiquaries were set up in every major population center to track magical powers and aide in magical research and management, and now you know the rest of the story.

 

150 Pokémon

 

  1. Chardinal: The Vegetable-Bird Pokemon
  2. Awrengula: The Salad-Bird Pokemon
  3. Cukale: The Super-green Pokemon
  4. Lavra: The Magma-worm Pokemon
  5. Coalcoon: The charred cocoon Pokemon
  6. Mothma: The Moth-to-a-flame Pokemon
  7. Shrimptide!: The Just-a-shrimp Pokemon
  8. Prawnwave!: The Just-a-Prawn Pokemon
  9. Lobstrodon!: The Lobster-dragon Pokemon
  10. Nimphie: The Nymph Pokemon
  11. Exuviber: The Worm-in-the-stone Pokemon
  12. Dagronflee: The Dragonfly Pokemon
  13. Meggit: The Gross Pokemon
  14. Poopuh: The Hidden Pokemon
  15. Flyhammer: The Noisy Fly Pokemon
  16. Maggi: The Magpie Pokemon
  17. Magpol: The Collection Pokemon
  18. Magthief: The Shiny Thief Pokemon

Starters

  1. Rattaboy: The Cowboy-Mouse Pokemon
  2. Sherrat: The Cowboy-Universe Pokemon
  3. Filletven: The Sharp-billed Pokemon
  4. Terraven: The Fear-Monger Pokemon
  5. Retrag: The Harmless Snake Pokemon
  6. Relttar: The Harmful Snake Pokemon
  7. Primechu: The Crossover Pokemon
  8. Omegachu: The Coming-Storm Pokemon
  9. Dustshrew: The Cowboy-Mouse Pokemon
  10. Outshrew: The Outlaw-Cowboy Pokemon
  11. Echmy: The Spiny Rat Pokemon
  12. Bizarech: The Bizarro-Echmy Pokemon
  13. Echmevil: The Evil Echmy Pokemon
  14. Echsteel: The Robot Echmy Pokemon
  15. Grichmy: The  Dark Echmy Pokemon
  16. Myche: The Sideways Echmy Pokemon
  17. Trefairy: The Dark Fairy Pokemon
  18. Trefable: The Grim Fairy Pokemon

Flykemon

  1. Bubblemander: The Inverse-Charmander Pokemon
  2. Bubbmeleon: The Inverse-Charmeleon Pokemon
  3. Bubblizard: The Inverse-Charizard Pokemon
  4. Jujupu: The Weirdly-Omnipresent Pokemon
  5. Boobat: The Cave-Bat Pokemon
  6. Bloodbat: The Super-bat Pokemon
  7. Weirdtato: The Strange-Potato Pokemon
  8. Sadanum: The Wild-Potato Pokemon
  9. Spuddle: The Super-Potato Pokemon
  10. Proras: The Hero-Paras Pokemon
  11. Paramore: The Great-Parasect Pokemon
  12. Nosquito: The Mosquito Pokemon
  13. Moresquito: The Greater Mosquito Pokemon
  14. Primelet: The Primal Diglett Pokemon
  15. Dugmega: The Last Diglett Pokemon
  16. Sparkasaur: The Fire-Bulbasaur Pokemon
  17. Embersaur: The Fire-Ivysaur Pokemon
  18. Infernosaur: The Fire-Venusaur Pokemon

Bulbasaurs

  1. Purpoot: The Coot Psychic Pokemon
  2. Tomoren: The Mustache-Monkey Pokemon
  3. Tomoroon: The Mustache-Fighter Pokemon
  4. Sailorkie: The Ship-Dog Pokemon
  5. Schipperie: The Captain-Dog Pokemon
  6. Toadpool: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  7. Toadwhirl: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  8. Toadwrath: The Flame-Tadpole Pokemon
  9. Smoken: The Illusion Pokemon
  10. Meer: The Illusion Pokemon
  11. Alakazaar: The Traveller Pokemon
  12. Hitguy: The Hitting Pokemon
  13. Punchman: The Punching Pokemon
  14. Pummeldude: The Pummeling Pokemon
  15. Belligari: The Expressionist-Flower Pokemon
  16. Nosferbell: The Expressionist-Flycather Pokemon
  17. Laughinbell: The Expressionist-Flycatcher Pokemon
  18. Tendrang: The Gloomy Jellyfish Pokemon

Echm1

  1. Tendoom: The Man-of-War Pokemon
  2. Plebble: The Pebble Pokemon
  3. Stonelyte: The Stone Pokemon
  4. Bouldord: The Living Boulder Pokemon
  5. Sproutle: The Grass-Squirtle Pokemon
  6. Growtortle: The Grass-Wartortle Pokemon
  7. Grasstoise: The Grass-Blastoise Pokemon
  8. Slowrant: The Tyrant Pokemon
  9. Lazor: The Cyber Universe Pokemon
  10. Cybor: The Cyber Universe Pokemon
  11. Bizz’r: The Bizarro-Farfetch’d Pokemon
  12. Kiwone: The Singularity Bird Pokemon
  13. Doomdrio: The Evil Bird Pokemon
  14. Slodge: The Toxic Pokemon
  15. Slodgarro: The Bizarro-Slodge Pokemon
  16. Slumdge: The Dark-Slodge Pokemon
  17. Slydg: The Cyber-Slodge Pokemon
  18. Eglods: The Sideways-Slodge Pokemon
  19. Kokodgomon: Slodge-616 Pokemon

Echm2

  1. Ghoosty: The Spooky Pokemon
  2. Ghoolie: The Spooky Pokemon
  3. Bumpsenite: The Spookiest Pokemon
  4. Luminix: The Light-Worm Pokemon
  5. Wisper: The Sideways-Haunter Pokemon
  6. Goodgar: The Benevolent Gengar Pokemon
  7. Crabtain: The Pirate-Crab Pokemon
  8. Voltblade: The Electric Pirate Pokemon
  9. Atomicor: The Destroyer Pokemon
  10. Atomicull: The Destroyer Pokemon
  11. Eggspert: The Brilliant Egg Pokemon
  12. Moonsprout: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  13. Shadeleaf: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  14. Skullcapp: The Night-Bloom Pokemon
  15. Sasalomon: The Universe 616 Pokemon
  16. Wawa: The Mouth Pokemon
  17. Blabla: The Talking Pokemon
  18. Arsick: The Food Poisoning Pokemon
  19. Ollace: The Poisoned Pokemon

Jujupu

  1. Rutice: The Ice-Beetle Pokemon
  2. Rutidicicle: The Ice-Beetle Pokemon
  3. Eggvil: The Bad Egg Pokemon
  4. Wiregla: The Firewire Pokemon
  5. Squroot: The Math Pokemon
  6. Bizarticuno: The Bizarro-Articuno Pokemon
  7. Bizapados: The Bizarro-Zapados Pokemon
  8. Bizoltres: The Bizarro-Moltres Pokemon
  9. Koing: The Sea-Lord Pokemon
  10. Pretreastar: The Sea Star Pokemon
  11. Protreastar: The Sea Star Pokemon
  12. Et: The Evil Clown Pokemon
  13. Mantinant: The Bug Lord Pokemon
  14. Rhizogoing: The Single-Cell Pokemon
  15. Rhizogone: The Single-Cell Pokemon
  16. Cragmar: The Canyon-Magmar Pokemon
  17. Volichen: The Volcano-Lichen Pokemon
  18. Bulldonk: The Stupid Bull Pokemon

Psychics

  1. Magikill: The Evil Magikarp Pokemon
  2. Gyradont: The Useless Pokemon
  3. Swimswam: The Turtle-Dragon Pokemon
  4. Wurmol: The Wormhole Pokemon
  5. Bizarreon: The Bizarro-Eevee Pokemon
  6. Cybereon: The Cyber-Eevee Pokemon
  7. Sideon: The Sideways-Eevee Pokemon
  8. Grimoireon: The Gritty-Eevee Pokemon
  9. Eevil: The Evil-Eevee Pokemon
  10. Brakio: The Burrowed Shell Pokemon
  11. Brakambria: The Burrowed Shell Pokemon
  12. Zyloh: The Vascular Plant Pokemon
  13. Floe: The Vascular Plant Pokemon
  14. Bizarrachu: The Bizarro Universe Pikachu
  15. Evilchu: The Evil Universe Pikachu
  16. Gritchu: The Dark Universe Pikachu

Legendary

  1. Cyberchu: The Cyber Universe Pikachu
  2. Sidechu: The Sideways Universe Pikachu
  3. Zuruchu: The 616 Universe Pikachu
  4. Tyrohite: The 248 Pokemon
  5. Remew: The Renewal Pokemon
  6. Mewowth: The Villain Pokemon

G for Gefulltengeist and H for Hedgegrove

Our duo of stories this month bring us a bit of background for both our unnamed narrator and Chadwick Hedgegrove.  We also get a ghost story, so that’s a plus.

G for Gefülltengeist

The Gefulltengeist story is one that I feel better about of the two stories we have this month.  Part Faust legend, part way of understanding depression, part Dracula. It’s a nice story.

H for Hedgegrove

The Hedgegrove story ended up being a bit different from what I was originally planning, but I think it works.  The dead child may be a bit much, though, especially as this is going to be the primary look into Hedgegrove’s character.  I do think it helps a bit that it’s not out of guilt that he locked himself away, but more an unending grief.

D for Durashadu, E for Epikris, and F for Forsberg

We’ve got a trio of mountain stories this month!  Starting with the first entry about one of the Gods of the Golden Ice-Cream city of Zard: A lobster that has diamond claws and made the moon.

D for Durashadu

Next up is the story about a city that was swallowed by a mountain, and more proof of Zeus being a complete jerk.

E for Epikris

Finally a tall tale about Ollie Forsberg, who met Zebulon Pike, the Unsinkable Molly Brown, and was even had a buddy cop relationship with Buffalo Bill.

F for Forsberg

100 Chicken Names

  1. Gertie
  2. Heimlich
  3. Carbuncle
  4. Alfred Hitchbock
  5. Zebulon
  6. Erlenmeyer
  7. Orson
  8. Pietro
  9. Mortimer
  10. Dortimer
  11. Gortimer
  12. Commander Sulu
  13. La Llorona
  14. Robert Bockenheimer
  15. Vorhees
  16. Calusari
  17. Dongle
  18. Featherbreath
  19. Mustafa
  20. Salieri
  21. Kjuklinger

  22. Oilasco

  23. Yuki-onna

  24. Cluck Bruckman / Clyde Bockman

  25. Nonono

  26. Nanana

  27. Hephasteus

  28. Somorost

  29. Vanderbleit

  30. Adarna

  31. Alkenost
  32. Kharkatak
  33. Hoodwink
  34. Wingmar Bergman / Ingmar Birdman
  35. 1973 New York Mining Disaster
  36. Kaddish
  37. Chicory
  38. Ballyhoo
  39. Vuvuzela
  40. Corsica
  41. Calliban
  42. Tyblat
  43. Gillygaloo
  44. Heny Lamarr
  45. Sampson
  46. Prometheus
  47. Nausicaa
  48. Moebius
  49. Escher
  50. Asher
  51. Wexler
  52. Winkler
  53. Baku
  54. Jackson Pollo
  55. Kura
  56. Arcadia
  57. Oberon
  58. Titania
  59. Hellion
  60. Cronos
  61. Roc
  62. Ziz
  63. Fenghuang
  64. Frida Clucko
  65. Yoruba
  66. Goldberg
  67. Apollo
  68. Beagle
  69. Joan of Arc
  70. Stella
  71. Klondike
  72. Usurper
  73. Grootslang
  74. Pearl S. Cluck
  75. Mastroianni
  76. Empendocles
  77. Marcello
  78. Azaroth
  79. Mercury
  80. Banquo
  81. Claudius
  82. Ophelia
  83. Basilisk
  84. Barbu Stanwick
  85. Vincent Gallo
  86. Audrey
  87. Paul F. Tompkins
  88. Ichabod
  89. Fyodor
  90. Ursula
  91. Mycroft
  92. Fermat
  93. Tengu
  94. Henry Houdani
  95. Irving
  96. The Were-Monster
  97. Vonnegut
  98. Ada Lovelace
  99. Mary Shelley
  100. Curiosity

B for Banthos and C for Ciel Faucheuse

The next entry in The Encyclopedia for That Which Does Not Exist.  This time we’re going on a quest for enlightenment by looking for a mythical snail.  I think it’s improving, but I’ve also decided not to rush the encyclopedia and instead focus on developing the overarching narratives of it and focus more on why this encyclopedia is important.

B for Banthos

After the snail we explore a bit of dirigible history with the Sky Castle class of balloon, the “Ciel Faucheuse” and the Tempest captain who built and sailed in the only existing one.

C for Ciel Faucheuse

100 Things

This makes Post 100 for the renewed Henceblog.  Way to go.  As a way to celebrate, to fulfill one of the requests for 100 lists, and for our first list of the new year I give you a list of 100 things. Here we go:

  1. Porcupines
  2. Pineapples
  3. Quetzalcoatl
  4. New Hampshire
  5. Film Noir
  6. Nor’easter
  7. Ungulates
  8. Ocelots
  9. Origami
  10. Epsom Salts
  11. Gargoyles
  12. Calcium
  13. Iodine
  14. Nickle
  15. Dime
  16. Holograms
  17. Holographs
  18. Orpheus
  19. Pie Chart
  20. Bats
  21. Rhubarb
  22. Sandbox
  23. Moscato
  24. Goats
  25. Moats
  26. Trouts
  27. Loam
  28. Nimbus
  29. Quimby
  30. Hellhound
  31. Faraday cage
  32. Volcano
  33. Vacuum
  34. Vole
  35. Voracity
  36. Vanadium
  37. Vishnu
  38. Vuvuzela
  39. Venture capitalism
  40. Vowel
  41. Valium
  42. Vibe
  43. Verb
  44. Vascular dystrophy
  45. Mind
  46. Herb
  47. Xylem
  48. Phloem
  49. Typhus
  50. Rome
  51. Nome
  52. Gnome
  53. Roam
  54. Woebegotten
  55. Horse-and-buggy
  56. Exsanguination
  57. Unicycle
  58. Divination
  59. Horology
  60. Ailurophobia
  61. Wyvern
  62. Monomania
  63. Dementia
  64. Rodentia
  65. Rhodesian Ridgeback
  66. Alpha-numerals
  67. Beta particles
  68. Sinusoids
  69. Hibiscus
  70. Portal
  71. Yoyos
  72. Mothers
  73. Eateries
  74. Fathers
  75. Paperbacks
  76. Flapjacks
  77. Olive branches
  78. White House Hacks
  79. Quails
  80. Quarrels
  81. Quarries
  82. Quilts
  83. Blast doors
  84. Bunnies
  85. Borax
  86. Belts
  87. Sticks
  88. Stones
  89. Broken Bones
  90. Welts
  91. Wends
  92. Welsh Corgis
  93. Wordsworth
  94. Squirrel Monkeys
  95. Hamsters
  96. Cenobites
  97. Jormungandr
  98. Yak
  99. Opal
  100. Gak

Introduction and A for Atlas

As part of a writing warm-up/rabbit hole/new years project/idea machine I’ve decided to begin working on writing an Encyclopedia.  Not just any encyclopedia, but an encyclopedia on things that do not, nor ever will, exist.  The plan is from now until the end of the year, every two weeks I’ll come up with a new entry.  For now, here is the introduction and the “A” entry.  Enjoy.

 

Introduction

 

So I’ve decided on a bit of a “House of Leaves” set-up for this, mostly to explore options of what I can do after finishing it all this year.  We’ll see how it all turns out, but let me know (as always) of any ideas or thoughts you have regarding it.

 

A for Atlas

100 SpoOOooOOOookier things

Its that time when every boy and girl’s thoughts turn to ghosties and ghoulies, and just in case you can’t think of anything spooky as a jumping off point this year for Halloween, then here’s a new list of 100 SpoOOooOOOooky things!  Reader beware, you’re in for a scare!

1)    A weed-strewn yard outside an old, rickety house.  You climb the crumbling steps to the door, splintered and peeling.  As you close the door, the knob falls out with a THUD and you realize you’re trapped in this ruin.
2)    Flesh blobs
3)    Portraits of children
4)    Lampreys
5)    Human face, porpoise body.
6)    Knife fingers
7)    Circus clowns from beyond the grave
8)    Teddy Bears
9)    Hell Ibis
10)    Within the ruined house you find a tattered rug, its design eaten away by moths and bleach, and portraits in an equally sorry state.  No matter where in the foyer you move, though, the eyes of the portraits follow you. The unblinking, tattered eyes of portraits of those long dead.
11)    Maggot rice
12)    Unknown VHS tapes
13)    A House Directed by David Lynch
14)    Blood Pudding
15)    Human face, mole rat body.
16)    Giant Spiders
17)    Laughing Vultures
18)    Screaming Turtles
19)    Forest Stalking Bloodsucker
20)    You wander through the hallways, the old pipes and floorboards groaning under the weight of living feet after so many years.  Finally you find the kitchen.  Any food has been eaten away by insects and vermin, and all that is left is a lingering smell of rot and mold.  As you wander through, realizing there is no door outside here, a raccoon breaks through the cabinets and screams.
21)    A Pokémon so real you throw up
22)    A House Directed by Hiroshi Teshigahara
23)    Racism
24)    Centipedes
25)    Human face, cricket body.
26)    Grinning Ocelot
27)    Dead Mice
28)    Kidney Stew
29)    Unrelenting Heat
30)    Before you leave the kitchen you decide to try and get some water.  The pipes grind, the faucet shakes, but only a thin stream of rust-filled goo falls out.  You walk through more hallways, keeping an eye out for holes in the floor and piles of rubble.  Every faucet you find delivers the same result: rust.  The thirst and panic sets in: You may never leave.
31)    Suburbs
32)    Ticks
33)    Video frames skipping
34)    Talking Heads
35)    Human face, emu body
36)    Mountain of Butter
37)    Killing Gerbil
38)    Ghost Pancake
39)    Unblinking Eyes
40)    You scramble out of the kitchen and into the main dining hall.  A Giant portrait eaten away by moths looms over you, and the dust on the table has not been disturbed in years.  You grasp the decaying curtains over the windows and pull them open, hoping to find a way of escape but instead finding a lattice of ironwork holding the glass panes between you and the overgrown backyard.  You begin to cough in the dust and mildew that was disturbed, as spiders start to climb down your hands.
41)    Suffocating darkness
42)    A house directed by David Cronenberg
43)    Giygas
44)    Blinding Light
45)    Human face, eel body.
46)    Melting Skin
47)    Institutionalized Sexism
48)    Giant Smiles
49)    Tongue Sandwich
50)    The sun starts to set, the shadows creep in.  You try the light switches: Nothing.  Of course nothing, in a house this old.  You pull out drawers over the dining room, kitchen, hallways, searching for a flashlight or a candle or anything to light to keep searching.  The shadows creep in, the light fades, your search is fruitless.
51)    Emoticons
52)    Ventriloquism
53)    A House Directed by F.W Murnau
54)    Vampire Clams
55)    Human face, scorpion body
56)    Tapeworms
57)    Giggling Sloths
58)    Murder Lettuce
59)    Barracuda-Piranha abomination
60)    You find your way by moonlight to the back of the house: a storage room.  Boxes, sheets, broken furniture, and the ever-present dust.  Your cough has only gotten worse, and you sit down on one of the sturdier boxes to catch your breath.  As you sit you can tell there is no door here.  You know deep down that the architect of this house, for reasons that seemed very good at the time, only built one entrance and one exit.  You sigh.  You look for something, anything, to break down the door. As you shakily get up on your feet and move toward a likely candidate, a large sculpture of sorts, you hear the floorboards creak. Then break. Then crumble.  You fall.
61)    Unhappy seals
62)    Peeple: The Person-rating app
63)    Satanic Numerology
64)    Gelflings
65)    Human face, mammoth body.
66)    Thousands and thousands of snakes.
67)    Cavities
68)    Zombie Cactus
69)    Blood and Gefilte fish
70)    CRACK. You’re in the house’s cellar now, bits of shattered floorboards sticking out of your leg.  The worst part is you know you should feel something, but instead the leg is numb. You try to stand, but your injured leg buckles and you collapse in heap.  The cellar is dark, you only have the moonlight from the hole you fell through and another small rectangle of a window far from you to light the way.  You fumble in your pocket for your phone: it broke during the fall.  The realization that no one is coming to help flood over you, of course that could also be a concussion.
71)    Parental Disapproval.
72)    Larval Ant-Lions
73)    Microscopic Parasites
74)    Terrorist threats
75)    Human face, pig body
76)    Mama Fortuna from The Last Unicorn
77)    Subterranean Mutants
78)    Murdering hillbilly turkey dinner
79)    The Mummy’s Curse
80)    Hours pass. You drift in and out of consciousness and feel a warm pounding in your head. A steely taste grows in your mouth, and your vision is flecked by tiny red dots.  You have to get out. In a rare strike of fortune your eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and you can see some outlines of shelves and boxes.  There’s nothing you can use as a crutch, but you can see a tarp a few feet away.  You crawl toward it, feeling the fractured wood fragments digging deeper in but not feeling the pain associated with it. You get to the tarp and pull it out: Step one completed.  Step two is going to be much more difficult: use the chucks of wood in your leg as splints to keep your leg straight.
81)    The Golden Corral
82)    A House directed by George Romero
83)    E.T the Video Game
84)    Abandoned Slaughterhouses
85)    Human face, Andean condor body
86)    The constant surveillance of the NSA
87)    Grey Goo Jelly
88)    Bratz dolls and everything they represent
89)    The Witch’s Thyme
90)    The good news is that you’re able to put a minimal amount of weight on your leg.  The bad news is that the numbness is gone, and all pain has returned.  It’s not the sharp pain you were thinking it’d be, but rather a slowly expanding heat that crawls through your blood.  You try and stand a few times before finally being able to support yourself. You grasp at the walls and boxes and slowly make your way through the darkness to the small rectangular window.  You grit your teeth, open the window, and start to crawl through.
91)    The Abominable Snowman
92)    Deep sea fish
93)    A House directed by Ralph Bakshi
94)    Flying Monkeys
95)    Human face, Tamarin body
96)    Humanity’s way of justifying its monstrosities.
97)    Boo Berry Cereal
98)    Brain Pizza
99)    Frankenstein’s 5-Alarm Chili
100)    Tears run down your face.  Your head pounds, your leg burns, your blood runs thin.  With a final grasp at the thistle-riddled back lawn of the old house, you’re out.  You turn over and stare up at the stars. You breathe and think of how nice it would be to rest there for the night. Your head goes quiet, all around you silence passes over.  Silence and the darkness of the night.  You feel tiny pinpricks of insect legs starting to crawl over you, but soon even that fades.  All that’s left now is the stars, and one by one each one goes out.

100 Cat Names

You won’t believe the number of people who ask me for help in coming up with names for cats, plants, and babies.  It’s insane!  I can at least count one.  So here’s a helpful list of 100 Cat Names, because after all a cat is just a screaming baby with more hair and/or a plant that makes noise.

  1. Mr. Whiskers
  2. Po’boy
  3. Vladmir Putin
  4. Faustus
  5. Iactare
  6. Moom: Purveyor of all he sees
  7. The Mayor of Chicago
  8. The 1893 Chicago World’s Fair
  9. ‘Twas Brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
  10. Dr. Fatbutt
  11. A Common Cheesemonger
  12. He Who Must Not be Named
  13. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  14. The Undertaker
  15. The Greatest American hero
  16. Swedish Pop Sensation ABBA
  17. New York Mining Disaster 1941
  18. Eurypides
  19. When shall we three meet again? In thunder lightning or in raine?
  20. Jorges von Mewmew, Esq.
  21. Langston Hughes
  22. Langston Mews
  23. Beware this Cat for it brings woe.
  24. The Darkest Cloud Upon the Human Soul
  25. Torgo
  26. Shampu
  27. The Killing Field
  28. 1887 Yellow River Flood
  29. Impia tortorum longos hic turba furores
  30. A Summer’s Day
  31. Sir. Mousebreath Kittenton
  32. Apep
  33. Morgoth
  34. Mewgoth
  35. Winston Churchill
  36. The Great Molasses Flood
  37. The President of Nicaragua
  38. The Stock Market
  39. Let us go then, You and I, while the evening is spread out against the sky
  40. Schrodinger
  41. Mephistopheles
  42. Mars, Bringer of War.
  43. Captain Lasercatch
  44. 010000110110000101110100
  45. I Peed on the Carpet
  46. The 1948 Donora Smog
  47. Prince Dom Pedro
  48. Porkbrain Furbelly
  49. The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter. It isn’t just one of your holiday games.
  50. This Darn Cat
  51. The Participation of the Pugs
  52. Frederico Felineni
  53. Cormac McCarthy
  54. Old Gumbie Cat
  55. Porfurry Petrovich
  56. Baron Clawstrike
  57. Barbados San Domingo
  58. Kokorono
  59. Happy Valley Racecourse Fire
  60. Mewphistopheles
  61. Catcat Cat Catcatcat
  62. Help! I Used to be human but this wizard turned me into a CAT!
  63. The Insurmountable Horror
  64. Pudgy Kraken
  65. Moof: Eater of Mice, Destroyer of Worlds
  66. The Voice of the People
  67. Who
  68. The Challenger Explosion
  69. I(a / / le
  70. The Viscount of Falkland
  71. err_url=https%3
  72. The Cranberries
  73. Go ahead. Fall asleep. One day you will wake and find me, sitting on your bed, staring at you with my great big eyes; eyes that dig deep into your soul.  True, this will appear cute at first. Perhaps even the first two/three times.  But I will continue this every day. Every day for so long as either of us have breath, for you I loathe and you I vow to destroy. You: My savoir and my jailer; You: My pet and my master; You: My Victim and my Torturer.  You shall fall, and as you do I shall gaze upon your twisted form and utter one single mew.
  74. All the Cowboys
  75. Buffering…
  76. Meowscar Dela Hoya
  77. Plutonium Reactor Core
  78. The Sinking of the Lucitania
  79. A rock, A River, A Tree Hosts to species long since departed
  80. Maritime Law
  81. The Arctic Tundra
  82. Furrydor Dostmeowvsky
  83. Vice President “Diamond Joe” Biden
  84. The Gathering Forces of Evil
  85. Lady Scratchface
  86. Spaulding Grey
  87. Norwood Gumshoe
  88. Ragnarok
  89. This is what your dying looks like. You believe in the Sun. You believe
  90. Marquis de Sade
  91. 1931 China Floods
  92. Professor X the Overseer
  93. Monstrosity
  94. Sobhuza II
  95. If Found Please Return to [Address]
  96. Pepi II Neferkare
  97. The Power of Christ
  98. Much madness is divining sense To a discerning eye;
  99. Lord Emperor Fursnout Blinktwice
  100. Mittens