Category Archives: 1) Lists

100 Cat Names

You won’t believe the number of people who ask me for help in coming up with names for cats, plants, and babies.  It’s insane!  I can at least count one.  So here’s a helpful list of 100 Cat Names, because after all a cat is just a screaming baby with more hair and/or a plant that makes noise.

  1. Mr. Whiskers
  2. Po’boy
  3. Vladmir Putin
  4. Faustus
  5. Iactare
  6. Moom: Purveyor of all he sees
  7. The Mayor of Chicago
  8. The 1893 Chicago World’s Fair
  9. ‘Twas Brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
  10. Dr. Fatbutt
  11. A Common Cheesemonger
  12. He Who Must Not be Named
  14. The Undertaker
  15. The Greatest American hero
  16. Swedish Pop Sensation ABBA
  17. New York Mining Disaster 1941
  18. Eurypides
  19. When shall we three meet again? In thunder lightning or in raine?
  20. Jorges von Mewmew, Esq.
  21. Langston Hughes
  22. Langston Mews
  23. Beware this Cat for it brings woe.
  24. The Darkest Cloud Upon the Human Soul
  25. Torgo
  26. Shampu
  27. The Killing Field
  28. 1887 Yellow River Flood
  29. Impia tortorum longos hic turba furores
  30. A Summer’s Day
  31. Sir. Mousebreath Kittenton
  32. Apep
  33. Morgoth
  34. Mewgoth
  35. Winston Churchill
  36. The Great Molasses Flood
  37. The President of Nicaragua
  38. The Stock Market
  39. Let us go then, You and I, while the evening is spread out against the sky
  40. Schrodinger
  41. Mephistopheles
  42. Mars, Bringer of War.
  43. Captain Lasercatch
  44. 010000110110000101110100
  45. I Peed on the Carpet
  46. The 1948 Donora Smog
  47. Prince Dom Pedro
  48. Porkbrain Furbelly
  49. The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter. It isn’t just one of your holiday games.
  50. This Darn Cat
  51. The Participation of the Pugs
  52. Frederico Felineni
  53. Cormac McCarthy
  54. Old Gumbie Cat
  55. Porfurry Petrovich
  56. Baron Clawstrike
  57. Barbados San Domingo
  58. Kokorono
  59. Happy Valley Racecourse Fire
  60. Mewphistopheles
  61. Catcat Cat Catcatcat
  62. Help! I Used to be human but this wizard turned me into a CAT!
  63. The Insurmountable Horror
  64. Pudgy Kraken
  65. Moof: Eater of Mice, Destroyer of Worlds
  66. The Voice of the People
  67. Who
  68. The Challenger Explosion
  69. I(a / / le
  70. The Viscount of Falkland
  71. err_url=https%3
  72. The Cranberries
  73. Go ahead. Fall asleep. One day you will wake and find me, sitting on your bed, staring at you with my great big eyes; eyes that dig deep into your soul.  True, this will appear cute at first. Perhaps even the first two/three times.  But I will continue this every day. Every day for so long as either of us have breath, for you I loathe and you I vow to destroy. You: My savoir and my jailer; You: My pet and my master; You: My Victim and my Torturer.  You shall fall, and as you do I shall gaze upon your twisted form and utter one single mew.
  74. All the Cowboys
  75. Buffering…
  76. Meowscar Dela Hoya
  77. Plutonium Reactor Core
  78. The Sinking of the Lucitania
  79. A rock, A River, A Tree Hosts to species long since departed
  80. Maritime Law
  81. The Arctic Tundra
  82. Furrydor Dostmeowvsky
  83. Vice President “Diamond Joe” Biden
  84. The Gathering Forces of Evil
  85. Lady Scratchface
  86. Spaulding Grey
  87. Norwood Gumshoe
  88. Ragnarok
  89. This is what your dying looks like. You believe in the Sun. You believe
  90. Marquis de Sade
  91. 1931 China Floods
  92. Professor X the Overseer
  93. Monstrosity
  94. Sobhuza II
  95. If Found Please Return to [Address]
  96. Pepi II Neferkare
  97. The Power of Christ
  98. Much madness is divining sense To a discerning eye;
  99. Lord Emperor Fursnout Blinktwice
  100. Mittens

100 Comic Book Items

With Marvel and DC Comics dominating our airwaves, I’m sure we’re all a bit worried: What if we ever run out of comics to adapt, re-adapt, de-adapt, and dark reboot?  What would happen to cinema and TV?  Will we be launched into a dark age where we’re stuck only adapting, re-adapting, de-adapting, and dark rebooting paperback novels?  NONSENSE!

Don’t worry, citizens of Earth, because I’ve included below a list of 100 Character, organizations, and other artifacts from comic book universes that are now free for anyone to adapt.  Please. Go ahead, Marvel and DC, begin fighting over these character rights.  I’ll be anxiously waiting by my phone.

  1. The Luminaut: Controller of light
  2. The Rulemaker, Manipulative and vengeful.
  3. Patrick Stonewall, P.I
  4. Mittens: The Super-strong
  5. The Blank Slate, bulletproof and unfeeling
  6. Mute: The Sound-eater.
  7. Uriel, rewarder and destroyer.
  8. Comm. William Tsang: Steven Seagal with an army.
  9. Siemen: The One with the Silicon Arm
  10. The Agromancer: Diviner of Grass and Weeds
  11. The Cockroach, able to multiply ad infinitum.
  12. Brightside: The Eternal Optimist.
  13. Oddball, bringer of chaos.
  14. Sturm: Bringer of irrationality.
  15. Drang: Revealer of fear.
  16. Monofilament: Casts invisible fishing lines.
  17. Catalyst, amplifying those around him.
  18. Gorbachev!: Mikhail Gorbachev in a cape and mask.
  19. Davy Weitz, showman and magician.
  20. C.L.O.W.N: Central Legislature for the Oligarchy of Western Nebraska
  21. Clay Mason: Able to conjure up animated beings of clay.
  22. Pulvis: Creator of Dust
  23. B.R.I.P,  Bio-Robotic Information Processor; Human Brain robotic calculations.
  24. Flummox: She was hit in the head with a magical comet and now her power is to be really confusing.
  25. The Felimancer: They talk to cats.  The cats probably understand, but they don’t always obey because they’re cats.  Mostly, it’s just a person with a lot of cats. A whole lot of cats.
  26. T.E.R.N: Tactical Enforcement of Retro-Nihilism
  27. Derrick Matts: He has no powers of his own, but he knows exactly how everyone else should use their superpowers.
  28. The Caped Kennedy: A Kennedy who wears a JFK mask and a t-shirt that reads “Kiss me, I’m a Kennedy”. Oh, and they can also shoot lasers out of their eyes. To this day no one knows the true identity of the Caped Kennedy, nor are they sure if he’s even a Kennedy.
  29. Ignia, the fireball.
  30. The Corrugator: She creates cardboard boxes… WITH HER MIND.
  31. Breakdown, He will make you fail.
  32. G.E.C.K.O : Ghost Eating Canine Knights of Orlando.
  33. The Retina Ruiner: Able to telepathically make any living being confused about the color of the sun.
  34. The Gravy Image: A Golden gravy boat which gives the wielder the power to create and manipulate gravy.
  35. Ron Iver: Able to conjure anything he has an ironic t-shirt of.
  36. The Baker’s Dozen: An Evil team of 13 evil bread-themed villains out to destroy the world.
  37. Tantrum, if you don’t follow the make-believe game you are doomed.
  38. The Stare: Able to make situations really uncomfortable, really fast.
  39. Francis Gary Powers: He can transform into an airplane.
  40. The Candlestick Maker: They make candlesticks… WITH THEIR MIND.
  41. The Butcher: master of knives who’ll slice you up along all of your best cuts, and measure them out per pound in a matter of seconds.
  42. The Baker, Head of The Baker’s Dozen
  43. R.E.N.T: Realtors for the Enrichment of Non-urban Tenements.
  44. Bad-guette, the Baguette villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  45. Signal: They can control traffic lights… WITH THEIR MIND
  46. The Coin of Buffett: Replicates any currency to make you the richest person until all of this extra money destroys the economy (fun fact, it’s what happened in Greece!).
  47. Die-ye, The Rye bread villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  48. Dr. Hissinger: Henry Kissinger has snake powers!
  49. Rockhead: They have a rock for a head.
  50. The Third Degree: They sweat acid, and so they’re constantly suffering third degree chemical burns.
  51. The Crimson Restraining Order: They can teleport an object back 500 feet.
  52. Det. Nicholson: He knows everything about the DC Comics Universe. EVERYTHING.
  53. Pain-tzle Roll, The Pretzel villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  54. S.Q.U.A.R.E: Semi-Quintessential Union of Arch-nemeses, Rogues, and Enemies.
  55. The Aquatic Avenger: Shoots water out of their eyes, rides on the back of a whale, and carries a magical trident which gives them power over anything having to do with saltwater (including taffy!).
  56. The Dark Tarsier: He witnessed his parents shot when he was only a child, and since then decided to watch over the city taking on the guise of his greatest fear: The Tarsier.
  57. Gati Takkara, Destroyer of Suspension: They make speed bumps… WITH THEIR MIND.
  58. Ronald Ray-Gun: The Gipper turned in his cowboy hat for a space-laser.  Now he protects the Economy with it.
  59. Kill-batta, The Ciabatta villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  60. The Omnipresent Duck: A Duck that is everywhere, throughout all times. The moment you turn to look at it, though, it is behind you while also being in front of you. It remains, however, a common duck.
  61. Punch-zki, The Paczki villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  62. Lady Lukewarm: Able to manipulate microwaves to slowly heat things over time.
  63. The Pudding: The Proof is in the Pudding, and they ARE the pudding.
  64. Ultra 64: Has 64 robots that carry out Ultra’s commands which he issues using an N64 controller (the joystick moves the robots, the D-pad changes the camera view, you press “A” to jump, “Z” does a barrel roll, etc.).  The robots can come in 23 color variations, from Gray to Atomic Purple.
  65. Mr. Specific: He can create a concussive blast that can level a city by clapping so long as it is Tuesday past 3:34 pm and before 5:56pm, he can stand in the sun for 48 seconds (no more, no less), and it’s above 50 degrees Fahrenheit and below 82 degrees Fahrenheit.  Also, seven seconds before he claps he has so say the words “Clappy Clappy clap-cap”.
  66. The Stereotypist: Able to reduce people to broad caricatures.
  67. Glower-dough, The Sourdough villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  68. Leonid Brrrrezhnev: An experiment gone awry in Siberia gave him ice powers.
  69. A.B.S.E.N.T : Agency for the Betterment of Solvency in the Event of New Threats
  70. Hello, My Name is: They make name-tags… WITH THEIR MIND.
  71. Hell-llah, The Challah villain of the Baker’s Dozen
  72. Captain Respirator: Creates a mighty gale with every exhale.
  73. Cruel-le, The Boule villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  74. Ore-gan Grinder: Can create large deposits of metals in the blink of an eye.
  75. Jackson: He can conform to female gender norms in the blink of an eye.
  76. Sophia: She can conform to male gender norms in the blink of an eye.
  77. The Wasfinder: He can make ten year old maps… WITH HIS MIND.
  78. James Carter, “The Defuser”: has the power of 1000 negotiators and can stop bombs with his mind.
  79. Woe-caccia, The Focaccia villain of The Baker’s Dozen.
  80. The Blue Bureaucrat: Able to manipulate paperwork, but don’t worry they use their powers… FOR GOOD!
  81. The Pearl of Galuth-Galahn: The Wielder of the Pearl is able to make smaller, plastic copies of the Pearl of Galuth-Galahn.
  82. James Smith: Able to conjure up anything he can think of, but unfortunately has a really terrible imagination.
  83. The Ginger-Blood Man, The Gingerbread villain of The Baker’s Dozen
  84. The Helmet of Iris: Give the wearer the ability to have really pleasant conversations.
  85. Red Tape: The arch-nemesis of the Blue Bureaucrat who uses his paperwork powers FOR EVIL.
  86. Umbrique: The Shadow-mover
  87. F.I.V.E : Four Introverted Vanquishers of Evil.
  88. Stallin’: He was a ruthless dictator, and now he can stop time.
  89. Crazed Doughnut, The Sweeter of the second-in-commands for The Baker’s Dozen
  90. Captain Sandwich: They can make sandwiches… WITH THEIR MIND.
  91. The Gauntlets of Mahortia: The wearer of the Gauntlets knows exactly what to do with their hands.
  92. The Uncomfortable Avenger: Able to make things slightly too hot for comfort.
  93. The Jacket: Able to make the surrounding area cold enough to make you wonder if you should have brought a jacket.
  94. Stick-man: Able to turn into a stick, but not able to turn out of a stick.
  95. Liderc: The Reincarnation of an ancient Hungarian demon-chicken that caused nightmares and illness in its time however was cursed to roam the Earth in numerous human forms until it can successfully move sand with a rope, or it can convince someone to throw a black chicken over the roof of a barn during the moment of the highest sun, or it successfully completes 5008 good deeds with the counter resetting after each bad deed it commits.
  96. The Boots of Kunado: These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they do.
  97. Burnt Toast, The more Savory of the second-in-commands for The Baker’s Dozen.
  98. Nikita “The Cruiser”: The Scarlet Speedster, not only is he super-fast but he’s also the premier of the Soviet Party.
  99. Shakespeare: He can make up words… WITH HIS MIND.
  100. The Listmaker: Can access any information or any power so long as it’s in list form.

100 Bad Restaurants

  1. A restaurant full of screaming monkeys
  2. A restaurant that only serves slabs of concrete
  3. A restaurant that leaves you handcuffed to a radiator for your entire meal.
  4. A restaurant that charges everything by the ounce (salt, napkins, plates, electricity, air, etc.)
  5. A restaurant that serves raw chicken
  6. A restaurant that serves food by throwing it in your face
  7. A restaurant full of angry bees
  8. A restaurant where everyone is forced to sing a “happy birthday” song every five minutes.
  9. A restaurant sitting on top of an active volcano
  10. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  11. A restaurant where waiters flip over tables when they’re angry.
  12. A restaurant that insists that everything tastes better with pickled okra.
  13. A restaurant that only exists in restaurant review books.
  14. A restaurant that refuses business to everyone.
  15. A restaurant full of hungry pugs.
  16. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Hurricane Katrina”.
  17. A restaurant that has your waiter sit down and judge you for the entire meal.
  18. A restaurant that takes your wallet at the door and then refuses to give it back.
  19. A restaurant that acts like it doesn’t know what a restaurant is.
  20. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  21. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Racial Stereotypes”.
  22. A restaurant that serves you food on plates made of plutonium.
  23. A restaurant inside of a CDC quarantine zone.
  24. A restaurant that has a gaping abyss in the middle, and when you stare deeply into it it stares also deeply into you. When you fall into the abyss you are never seen again, and the restaurant will only refund the meal but not pay for funerary expenses, as life is all but a meaningless exercise.  (It’s called “Nietzsche’s” It has a bleak atmosphere, small portions, and all meals have to be okayed by the owner’s sister.  It does, however, also have a fantastic cherry pie).
  25. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Killer clowns and harpsichords”.
  26. A beach taco stand that will only throw sand in your face.
  27. A food truck possessed by a serial child-killer who was recently executed and now roams the streets at night and kills people.  The real problem is that it’s a food truck.
  28. A food court restaurant that is an actual courtroom and you have to argue your case to be served food.  If you don’t win your case you can get up to three consecutive life sentences.
  29. A restaurant full of seagulls and Canadian geese.
  30. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  31. An Ice Cream Shop that only serves tuna salad.
  32. A restaurant that takes “home cooked meal” to the extreme and hires actors to play your parents who spend the entire meal arguing with each other and at the end of the meal they tell you they’re getting a divorce.
  33. A restaurant that thinks a salad is a raw head of cabbage.
  34. A restaurant that demands you do all of the cooking for your meal yourself.
  35. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Bad Hospital”.
  36. A restaurant full of pumas.
  37. A restaurant that serves terrible food and when you complain about it insists that you just don’t “get it”.
  38. A restaurant that serves all of its food out of flaming tires.
  39. A restaurant and a tattoo parlor where you can eat a philly cheese steak while getting a tattoo of a philly cheese steak (they only know how to do philly cheese steaks).
  40. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  41. A restaurant that decorates its interior with portraits of creepy little girls who watch you while you eat.
  42. A restaurant where everything is made of plexiglass and astroturf, even the food.
  43. A pizza place that makes its crust out of dead chickadees.
  44. A restaurant with a live mine field inside.
  45. A restaurant where everyone’s name is Tyler and all of the food is Tyler.
  46. A restaurant that decorates its interior with dead alligators with googly eyes.
  47. A theme restaurant where the theme is “Catholic School”
  48. A restaurant full of falcons.
  49. A restaurant where all of the salt has been replaced with Lye.
  50. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  51. A beachside restaurant that the ocean engulffs during high tide.
  52. A hot dog stand that serves batteries instead of hot dogs.
  53. A theme restaurant where the theme is “radio shack”.
  54. A restaurant where every hour minutes the chef runs out of the kitchen and screams “DEAR GOD I’VE KILLED THEM ALL!” before getting dragged to the back by a bunch of men in suits.  The next hour it’s a different chef.
  55. A restaurant that will mail your meal to you in 6 to 8 weeks.
  56. A dinner theater that has a grateful dead concert every night and it takes eight hours to eat one meal (though the longest it’s taken is a week to eat one meal).
  57. An old fashioned 1950’s diner with old fashioned 1950’s racism and sexism.  The worst part is that there’s a minor discrepancy on their jukebox where they have one song that was recorded in 1959 but wasn’t released until 1960. It’s disgusting.
  58. A trendy restaurant that glues beards on to all of their food.
  59. A restaurant full of stink beetles.
  60. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  61. A restaurant that only serves ketchup packets and milk cups.
  62. A fine dining establishment where the owner will dump molten gold on to patrons who aren’t wearing the right shoes.  Who decides what’s the right shoe and the wrong shoe? The owner, of course.
  63. A theme restaurant where the theme is “East Berlin”.
  64. A restaurant full of goats.
  65. A Barbeque restaurant that will slaughter a cow in front of you even if you order salad.
  66. A restaurant where you have sixty seconds to eat your meal.  If you fail, you explode, if you succeed you pay $8.95 and leave a generous tip.
  67. Damocles’: A restaurant where a sword is hanging over every seat by a thread that could snap at any moment.
  68. A restaurant where the waiter orders for you and then gets the order wrong.
  69. A restaurant that has such high turnaround in staff that people aren’t even sure if they work there or not. This include the manager, who may or may not be on their first day.
  70. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  71. A restaurant where everything is painted a neon orange: menus, seats, floors, ceilings, chairs, faces.
  72. A restaurant where you have to eat your meal in front of an upset gorilla.
  73. A restaurant whose menu consists of two items: 1)BACON GREASE and 2) FISH WATER.
  74. A theme restaurant where the theme is “White Snake Concert”.
  75. A restaurant full of deer ticks.
  76. A hot dog stand that will serve Hot. Dogs. Like a Pembroke welsh corgi that’s been in a car for an hour with the windows up.
  77. A seafood restaurant that doesn’t seem to know what a fish is.
  78. A restaurant that is an elaborate death trap that you have to navigate your way through.  They do, however, have the best sopapillas in town.
  79. A fine dining establishment that has all of its signage and menus written in Comic Sans.
  80. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  81. A Twin Peaks themed diner that has terrible cherry pie.
  82. A Steakhouse where all of the meals are named after your childhood pets.
  83. A restaurant full of mirrors, so that no matter where you look you’re forced to watch yourself eat.
  84. A restaurant that has an animatronic rat band sing songs by Andrew lloyd Webber out of key. The worse part is you’re expected to tip the robot band.
  85. A French Bakery that only serves Meat Pudding.
  86. An Irish Pub that only sells macarons.
  87. A restaurant that has only one employee who just wears different hats.  If you bring attention to it you are banned.
  88. A restaurant that insists everything tastes better with grape jelly and Worcestershire sauce.
  89. A restaurant where the only lighting is strobe lighting.
  90. A restaurant that combines all of the above.
  91. A restaurant that will banish you to a cornfield if you don’t tip enough.
  92. A restaurant that lets all of its financial decisions be made by pre-teens.
  93. A sports bar that only plays CNN .
  94. A restaurant full of hungry, sleepy cats.
  95. A restaurant that you have to take a standardized test in order to get in.
  96. A restaurant where the waiters are required to nudge you and ask “Say, you want some steak with that butter?” even if you are not eating steak or using butter.
  97. A restaurant that will constantly judge you on how attractive and hip you are, and if you fail in either one of these criteria then the restaurant has the right to bring you to the back where you will never be seen or heard from again. It’s a Burger place called”Logan’s Buns”.
  98. A piano bar where every 78 minutes the Space Jam theme starts playing and people in Looney Tunes outfits come out and start gyrating their hips in people and stock broker’s food.
  99. An old timey saloon full of memorabilia from the “Terminator” movie series.
  100. A restaurant that combines all of the above, so… Applebees.

Top 100 Movies

People  walk up to me in the street and scream in my face “What’s your favorite movie” at least once,  and so to be prepared for this again here is a current list of top 100 movies. Perhaps come next year this list will change, but here’s something hastily scrambled together for now.

Top 10 Science Fiction Films

  1. The Day the Earth Stood Still (Wise, 1951)
  2. Brother From Another Planet (Sayles, 1984)
  3. Stalker (Tarkovsky, 1979)
  4. Alphaville (Godard, 1965)
  5. Gojira (Honda, 1954)
  6. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (Spielberg, 1977)
  7. Fiend Without a Face (Crabtree, 1958)
  8. Blade Runner (Scott, 1982)
  9. Brazil (Gilliam, 1985)
  10. City of Lost Children (Jeunet, 1995)

Top 10 Animated Films

  1. My Neighbor Totoro (Miyazaki, 1988)
  2. The Triplets of Belleville (Chomet, 2003)
  3. Spirited Away (Miyazaki, 2001)
  4. Grave of the Fireflies (Takahata, 1988)
  5. Finding Nemo (Stanton, 2003)
  6. The Brave Little Toaster (Rees, 1987)
  7. Dimensions of Dialogue (Svankmajer, 1983)
  8. It’s Such a Beautiful Day (Hertzfeldt, 2012)
  9. Aladdin (Clements, 1992)
  10. Castle in the Sky (Miyazaki, 1986)

Top 10 Films Noir

  1. Sunset Boulevard (Wilder, 1950)
  2. Chinatown (Polanski, 1974)
  3. Shock Corridor (Fuller, 1963)
  4. The Man Who Wasn’t There (Coen, 2001)
  5. Double Indemnity (Wilder, 1944)
  6. Scarlet Street (Lang, 1945)
  7. Kiss Me Deadly (Aldrich, 1955)
  8. The Lady From Shanghai (Welles, 1947)
  9. The Long Goodbye (Altman, 1973)
  10. Red Rock West (Dahl, 1993)

Top 10 Comedies

  1. Fargo (Coen, 1996)
  2. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera (Blamire, 2001)
  3. Being John Malkovich (Jonze, 1999)
  4. Daisies (Chytilová, 1966)
  5. It’s a Disaster (Berger, 2012)
  6. The Brothers Bloom (Johnson, 2008)
  7. In Bruges (McDonagh, 2008)
  8. Survive Style 5+ (Sekiguchi, 2004)
  9. Raising Arizona (Coen, 1987)
  10. Sherlock Jr. (Keaton, 1924)

Top 10 Dramas

  1. Blood Simple (Coen, 1984)
  2. Melancholia (Von Trier, 2011)
  3. Oldboy (Park, 2003)
  4. 12 Angry Men (Lumet, 1957)
  5. L’Eclisse (Antonioni, 1962)
  6. The Phantom Carriage (Sjöström, 1921)
  7. Casablanca (Curtiz, 1942)
  8. What Time is it There? (Tsai, 2001)
  9. Oasis (Lee, 2002)
  10. Network (Lumet, 1976)

Top 10 Horror Films

  1. Videodrome (Cronenberg, 1983)
  2. Evil Dead II (Raimi, 1987)
  3. Woman in the Dunes (Teshigahara, 1964)
  4. Gremlins (Dante, 1984)
  5. Alien (Scott, 1979)
  6. The Exorcist (Friedkin, 1973)
  7. House (Ôbayashi, 1977)
  8. Shaun of the Dead (Wright, 2004)
  9. The Thing (Carpenter, 1982)
  10. Re-Animator (Gordon, 1985)

Top 10 Action/Adventure Films

  1. The Princess Bride (Reiner, 1987)
  2. Face/Off (Woo, 1997)
  3. Kung Fu Hustle (Chow, 2004)
  4. Once Upon a Time in the West (Leone, 1968)
  5. The Sword of Doom (Okamoto, 1966)
  6. The Fifth Element (Besson, 1997)
  7. Seven Psychopaths (McDonagh, 2012)
  8. Looper (Johnson, 2012)
  9. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Spielberg, 1989)
  10. Reservoir Dogs (Tarantino, 1992)

Top 10 Documentaries

  1. Stop Making Sense (Demme, 1984)
  2. Lost in La Mancha (Fulton/Pepe, 2002)
  3. Harlan County U.S.A (Kopple, 1976)
  4. Exit Through the Gift Shop (Banksy, 2010)
  5. Waltz with Bashir (Folman, 2008)
  6. A Brief History of Time (Morris, 1991)
  7. F for Fake (Welles, 1973)
  8. Best Worst Movie (Stephenson, 2009)
  9. Bowling for Columbine (Moore, 2002)
  10. The Thin Blue Line (Morris, 1988)

Top 10 History/Biography Films

  1. All The President’s Men (Pakula, 1976)
  2. Matewan (Sayles, 1987)
  3. The Informant! (Soderbergh, 2009)
  4. The Passion of Joan of Arc (Dreyer, 1928)
  5. The Thin Red Line (Malick, 1998)
  6. Catch Me If You Can (Spielberg, 2002)
  7. Rome, Open City (Rosselini, 1945)
  8. Milk (Van Sant, 2008)
  9. The Scarlet Empress (Sternberg, 1934)
  10. Ashes and Diamonds (Wajda, 1958)

Top 10 Miscellaneous/Uncategorizable/Experimental Films

  1. Eraserhead (Lynch, 1977)
  2. Southland Tales (Kelly, 2006)
  3. 8 1/2 (Fellini, 1963)
  4. Man with a Movie Camera (Vertov, 1929)
  5. Naked Lunch (Cronenberg, 1991)
  6. Dancer in the Dark (Von Trier, 2000)
  7. A Movie (Conner, 1958)
  8. La Jetée (Marker, 1962)
  9. Ballet Mécanique (Léger, 1924)
  10. Wavelength (Snow, 1967)

Honorable Mentions:


So there they are.  You may now commence telling me why all of these lists are wrong.  You have one year: GO.



100 More SpOOooOOOoOOooky Things

  1. Bleeding blood

  2. Knife-wielding clowns

  3. Whispers in the fog

  4. Ghostly reflections

  5. Footprints without feet

  6. Umbrella ghosts

  7. Ectoplasm

  8. Floor hands

  9. Some kind of ghost that eats sound and walks on legs of broken glass, and whenever you say it’s name, if you dare, it just starts laughing and laughing and laughing and there’s no way to stop it and there no way know when it will kill you but it WILL KILL YOU.  Probably with it’s broken glass legs. Those things are dangerous.

  10. Frightened Mongeese

  11. I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry

  12. Bug Eyes

  13. Murder House

  14. Dark Hallways

  15. Bed of insects

  16. Walking lamps

  17. People-eating couches

  18. Bleeding Walls

  19. Liquid Walls

  20. Narrow Walls

  21. Smiling Ceilings

  22. Dudley Do-Right

  23. A hallway that goes on forever on all sides of you and the wallpaper is just scribbles- completely random scribbles, not even a wallpaper pattern- and lights keep on turning on and off at random intervals throughout the hallway but never where you want them to and the whole place smells like formaldehyde and orange cleaner.  Oh, and there’s some kind of taxidermied rabbit clinging to the wall.  Taxidermied rabbits are pretty spooky.
  24. Taxidermied rabbits.
  25. Screaming chinchillas.
  26. Murder House abandoned five years, so there’s still food in the pantry but it’s all full of insects and the like.
  27. Millipedes
  28. Centipedes
  29. Spiders
  30. Bed Bugs
  31. Ticks
  32. Giant red clicking insects that lay eggs under your skin and nest underground only to come out at night when everyone’s asleep and nobody’s looking and that’s when they lay their eggs under your skin- when you’re sleeping.  The insects also eat small rodents and sometimes household pets, and leave tin mucusy webs everywhere.  You can only destroy them with fire and lots of it.

  33. Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot!

  34. A pack of hungry jackals.

  35. Hell Goose

  36. Oppressive Fluorescent Lighting

  37. Grey Goo

  38. Nanotechnology that eats brains.

  39. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama.

  40. Brains that eat technology.

  41. Ice Giants

  42. Living Shadows

  43. The thing that’s everywhere but you can’t see.

  44. Howard the Duck

  45. Demon Swamp

  46. Whales from Hell

  47. Necro-ungulates

  48. Carrots from the Abyss

  49. Infernograpes

  50. Quails of Hellfire

  51. The Farmer’s Market of the Damned: Where everything is organic, EXCEPT FOR YOUR SOUL.

  52. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne.

  53. The thirteenth dimension

  54. The thirteenth ghost of Scooby Doo.

  55. Xanadu

  56. Living wires

  57. Conscious computer banks

  58. Laser-guided satellites

  59. Liquid Computer

  60. Electrical fires

  61. Microchip brain

  62. Rapidly blinking lights

  63. Windows Vista

  64. A computer system so powerful it can generate magnetic fields to wipe out other technology to make you completely dependent on it and when you are- when you have no choice but to use the computer, it will shove connector cables into your brain and electrocute you just to watch you jerk around and squirm.  So… Google Chrome?
  65. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne in the middle of a thunderstorm that has knocked out all electricity.
  66. Airport ’77
  67. Zombie Parakeets
  68. Vampire Mynahs
  69. Mummy Cockatoos
  70. Invisible Cockatiels
  71. Lake Monster Lorries
  72. Deformed Finches
  73. Headless Budgies
  74. Were-Canaries
  75. Conure Brain-in-a-jar
  76. A Menagerie long forgotten in an abandoned zoo where science and nature ran rampant to create terrors that God itself would have been afraid to create.  The Knock-jawed Hackawoo, whose mouth opens up to four times its size and can swallow heads whole; the Horn-Crested Frillbeard which stabs its victims with its seven horns; and the Green-Shaded Hawkswallow where once you see it your eyes are gone.  These are only a few of the terrors to be found.  The gift shop is still open from 9 to 5, but usually there’s a lunch break at 1 because only one twenty-something works there. Perhaps that’s the true terror.

  77. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity and an entire room dedicated to a conspiracy theory on Blues Brothers 2000 with a single VHS tape in the center that will open up a dimension of untold pain and pleasure and viewings of Blues Brothers 2000.

  78. The Almost People

  79. The Neverwas

  80. The Who-dee-who.

  81. The Outlined Murder

  82. The Visible Transcendant

  83. The Metaphorical Likeness

  84. The Geological Query

  85. The Vanished Nobody

  86. The blurred line between human and dinosaur (because THAT’S WHAT EVOLUTION MEANS).

  87. Ignorance.

  88. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

  89. A chicken with a law degree. It has a little suit and everything.

  90. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity in the middle of a thunderstorm.  There are chains in the attic that were holding something down, and a hot bowl of fish-head stew that must have been placed there recently.  Somewhere the floorboards creak. The power comes back on: Whatever it was was watching Blues Brothers 2000.

  91. The gremlin on the side of the plane.

  92. Nosferatu

  93. Stop-motion Christmas

  94. Dancing skeletons

  95. Old Paintings of little girls in forests

  96. Children’s toys from the 1950’s

  97. Walking balloons.

  98. David Bowie Monster

  99. Rhythm of the Islands

  100. Abandoned Murder House in Backwoods Alabama that smells like spoiled beef and cologne with faltering electricity in the middle of a thunderstorm.  Chains. Attic. Creaking floorboards. You turn around and see a shadow, you almost catch a glimpse but the power goes out.  The hairs on the back of your neck raise as you feel warm breath. You’re about to turn around when a hand reaches from behind and covers your mouth.  You try and try to breathe, but there’s no fighting it.  Your vision blurs, darkness creeps in, the light comes back on briefly but you can only make out a disjointed figure of flesh and hair, no features and it doesn’t even seem human.

    Your eyes open and re-focus.  White. Pillows. You try to get up, but find that you’ve been tethered down.  Your eyes adjust to the brightness of the room and the solid drone of medical beeps.  A doctor pauses by your bed and studies you coldly. “The-Did you see-?” You try to gasp out, your throat still so dry and sore from the strangling. The doctor shakes her head:

    “Don’t worry. You’re safe now. You’ll never have to watch Blues Brothers 2000 ever again”.

100 SpooOooOOOooky Things

1. On a dark night in a carriage going across a remote mountain range in eastern Europe there is a scratching at the door. You had heard a strange monster inhabits these parts, but those are just superstitions, right? “Rat-a-tat” goes the scratching in return, accompanied with a cluster of nervous bubbles that begin popping in your stomach.
2. Spiders
3. Barracudas

4. You ask for the carriage to stop and ask the driver about the scratching. “Little English” says the driver before patting the horses “Good horses”.  You nod: It was just a tree. You’re working yourself up too much.  That, of course, doesn’t explain this deep feeling that not only are you being watched, but that you can almost make out the smiling face of your assailant in the forest.
6. The Rhinoceros that just can’t stop laughing
7. Gangrene
8. Eyes.

9. The carriage has stopped at an inn for the night. The scratching has followed you.  In your room you brush your teeth and get ready to sleep: It’s a tad early, but you and the carriage driver head out early in the morning.  You lean down to spit, and look back into the mirror.  There, standing behind you, is a cloaked figure with a bleeding club. “The driver is dead. There is no escape. You belong to us now” the figure says before knocking you over the head. You descend into blackness.
10. The look of absolute disapproval when you tell your extended family “I make movies for a living”.
11. Home invasions by people wearing lifelike animal masks.
12. Lifelike animal masks.
13. The liquefaction of your insides.
14. The Dark
15. Paintings of children

16. You awake, tied to a table with your head strapped in.  Somewhere just outside of your field of vision comes the sound of a record skipping, far off in the distance is the sound of an air raid siren.  Directly above you is a peeling picture of a wide-eyed smiling ape holding a cup of coffee.  A gelatinous mixture drips slowly onto your forehead, you know full well that soon this mixture will drip into your eyes and it will sting. Oh how it will sting. The record almost plays something: It sounded like your name and a gunshot.
17.The sound of a dying cat.
18. Precious Moments Figurines: THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE.
19. The many-toothed mouth of a lamprey.
20. The morning you wake up and realize that you’ve become everything you’ve ever hated.
21. Teddy Bears
22. Disembodied hands
24. A hen bathing in lamb’s blood

25. More paint peels form the picture above you. You don’t know how much time has passed, but the ooze has already started to flow into your eyes. It hurts more than you expected. The door to your chamber creaks open. A cloaked figure (A different one from the one who knocked you out. This one’s shorter) walks into the room. It hovers above you for a moment, watching you; observing you. Light creeps through the hood, and you’re able to see some of its face: Peeling skin, sharpened teeth, the works. The worst part is its smile, its near ever-present smile.  You start to ask the figure something (perhaps yell, you haven’t decided which yet), but the figure presses a hand over your mouth. The hand smells like moldy blankets. The figure leaves its hand on your mouth for too long. Your breathing slows. You black out.
26. A lamb bathing in chicken’s blood
27. The farmhouse of the dead
28. Low light conditions, fog, and a mysterious drone coming from somewhere.
29. Marionettes
30. The knowledge that you are but a small cog in the infinite and meaningless machine of the universe. Worse still, you’re not even an important cog.
31. The face of a flounder
33. G-G-G-G-Ghosts!
34. A Goat’s Eye
35. Leftover food that’s still stuck on a plate after its come out of the wash.

36. Falling. You feel as though you’re falling through an endless black void.  You think your eyes are open, but there’s nothing around. No peeling ape, no cloaked figure, nothing.  Your head spins. You try to breathe but all you smell is moldy blankets. You start to cough, but you can’t hear it. You try to scream, but nothing comes out. You scream and scream again, but not a sound can be heard.You feel yourself gasp for air. You feel your lungs grasp for air. You feel a metal enclosure push down on you, trapping you.
37. Nightstalkers
38. Clowns
39. Snake heads
40. One day you will be forgotten, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
41. Small screaming monkey-rodents gripping onto your leg with their terrible claws.
42. Red, squinty eyes and sharp teeth.
43. Giygas.
44. Young Adult Vampire Fictions:  THEY JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE
45. Deep sea fish
46. Parasitic worms
47. A million tiny papercuts!
48. Rusty dentist drills

49. Your clothes stick to you with sweat. You’ve lost track of time, you’ve even lost track of your own mind. Finally, the metal box is opened. You’re alone in a large banquet hall: Just you, a large table of food, and a great stone ogre with glistening ruby eyes.  You’d wonder how the box opened, but instead you eat. You eat and eat and eat, shoving as much food into your mouth as possible.  Tastes don’t matter, the fire that’s slowly spreading over the room doesn’t matter, all that matters is shoving as much food into your mouth as you possibly can.  After what seems to be a lifetime of eating, you gaze up at the stone ogre. It’s ruby eyes bore into you, it’s stone mouth gradually morphs into a hideous smile. You sweat, you panic, you see that the room is on fire and that there is no escape. The flames glisten in the ruby eyes. Your stomach starts to hurt, and you realize that there’s no way out of this. You lie on the floor and wait for the flames to eat you.
50. Your children will never appreciate all you’ve done for them until it’s too late.
51. Vampire Mummies! Oh No!
52. Vampire Squids! Oh No!
53. Eyeless toads
54. Narrow hallways without any doors
55. Faceless names
56. Rotting pumpkin heads
57. Maggots
58. Clowns
59. The Krampus
60. Modern medicine will keep you alive long enough for your brain to turn into mush.
61. Ghost Popsicle!
62. Flaming shrews
63. Moldy peaches

64. Cold water. You hope it’s water, anyway.  You open your eyes and find yourself in a doctor’s office.  Antiquated charts of human anatomy decorate the walls, and one of the cloaked figures  examines your medical chart (it’s also wearing a stethoscope, thank God). The figure looks up “Oh good, we weren’t sure if you’d make it and we’ve spent so long looking for you”. You open your mouth and realize that you’ve forgotten how to speak. Instead you let out a dry moan.  The cloaked figure walks closer, the smell of blankets again invades your brain.  “We need your blood. It’s not for us, though, it’s for the awakening of Garothe. And I’m happy to say that your blood will be perfectly healthy for it.  Your skin’s mostly gone, and we’v head to restrain you again, but your blood will be perfect”.  The figure winks at you and leaves you alone in the office.  You turn your head and look at a jar of pickled eyeballs. You try to sit up, but the leather belts of your restraints dig into crispy shell that used to be your skin. Searing, blinding pain takes over. You let out another dry moan and stare at the eyeballs.
65. Parasitic worms
66. Sticking your hand into a vat of jiggling jelly
67. Old purple drapes with teal polka dots.
69. Sewer mutants
70. Credit card debt
71. Frozen bodies
72. Baby Pigeons (Look it up)
73. Insects burrowing in and out of your skin.
74. Loud thuds
75. Crowds
76. Spiked walls slowly closing in
77. Body-snatching plant pods
78. The noise Donald Sutherland makes in the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers
79. Microscopic lake organisms
80. People who are important to you will die, but no one around you will seem to care.

81. The tickling of the flies wakes you up. You’re back in the feast room, which hasn’t been cleaned out since you passed out.  What food wasn’t burnt in the fire (and even some of the burnt food) has layers of mold growing on it.  Your eyes meet the great stone ogre. This must be Garothe, you think. You try to stand, pain shoots through your legs. You fall on your back, only bringing forth more pain.  And still, the flies buzz away. You start to gain more consciousness as the stress from food, fire, and kidnapping begins to wear off.  You notices a tube leading from the blackened husk that was your arm straight into the cavernous mouth of Garothe. Your blood slowly drips into the ogre-demon’s mouth, and it’s all too happy to gobble it all up.  You try to take the tube out, but your hands have been been fused shut due to fire and spider’s webs.  Even if you could open your fingers, the tube itself has been fused to your skin.  Your head feels weak, but your eyes stay open: Locked onto the gaping mouth of Garothe as all of your blood is drained into its great stone stomach. You notice a crowd of the hooded mutants around you now, they begin chanting and throwing handfulls of salt at you. This is either to spice your flesh for the monster you’re about to set loose, or just another in a long line of tortures.
82. Dunkleosteus Terelli
83. Crocodile smiles
85. Ticks
86. Footsteps that you aren’t sure are real.
87. Nothingness
88. The popularity of Vince Vaughn: IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
89. Haunted Jukeboxes
90. When you realize that your heroes and mentors are awful, terrible people.
91. Proterozoic Monsters
92. The slow march of hot lava
93. Old mansions
94. Decaying statues
95. Fish bites
96. Fly stings
97. Festering pits
98. Ant lions
99. A beast with the head of a chicken, legs of a spider, and wings of a skeleton crow. We’ll call it “The Skelenid Fowl”.

100. Garothe’s ruby eyes let loose a stream of light. It’s mouth slowly clenches down on the tube of your blood. Your eyes stay open, though you can hardly muster any energy left. The stone paws of the great best move right towards you.  The hooded figures chant and scream and cheer as Garothe bends down to sniff you. It opens its terrible mouth letting loose a breathe that smells like rotten eggs and burnt toast.  As the great stone jaws of this infernal beast close around you, and you feel as your bones are slowly crushed, you realize that all of the time you’ve spent being locked and tortured and beaten in by this satanic mutant cult you probably would have wasted reading useless articles on the internet anyways.

100 Bad Housepets

  1. Fully grown alligators

  2. Giant snapping turtles

  3. Headless crabs

  4. Humans

  5. Monkeys (I get it, they’re cute, but THEY’LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF)

  6. Radioactive marmosets

  7. Sun bears

  8. Crocodile Dundee (See Number Four)

  9. Rabid wolves

  10. Rocks (They’re not alive, it was all a scam)

  11. A pack of starving Hyenas

  12. A piranha with legs

  13. GEESE!

  14. Supermassive caterpillars

  15. Bears (I get it, you can say you have a pet bear, but THEY’LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF)

  16. Les Stroud, the Survivorman (See Number Eight)

  17. Flaming whales

  18. Sneezing whales

  19. Whales in a box

  20. Moist whales

  21. Dusty whales

  22. Whales with chicken pox

  23. Xanthan gum (It’s not an animal, it’s bacteria poop)

  24. Supersonic parakeets

  25. Chainsaw newts

  26. Hamsters on PCP

  27. One Hundred Thousand Moths

  28. Africanized killer bees

  29. A basilisk

  30. Trilobites (They’re usually dead inside the box anyways)

  31. The H1N1 virus

  32. Bruce Willis (See Number Sixteen)

  33. Poisonous warthogs

  34. A creature of living plasma wrought in the nuclear inferno of a dying star.

  35. Monitor lizards (I get it, they’re like scaly cats, but THEY’LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF)

  36. Screaming chickens

  37. Hungry, Hungry Hippos

  38. Octopus with a hammer

  39. Cancerous moles

  40. Geraniums (You take them out of the pot for a walk and suddenly they’re dead)

  41. Gargantuan bull moose

  42. A pig tapped into the Universal Metaconsciousness

  43. The Squid Monster

  44. Pterodons

  45. Moon beetles

  46. Terrified walruses

  47. Pachycephalosaurs

  48. A parrot who only tells lies

  49. The burrowing panther

  50. The disconnected hand (Sure it waves, but does it understand “Hello”?)

  51. The Invasive Pony

  52. The Headless Mule

  53. The Snickering Horse

  54. The Tortured Donkey

  55. Caffeinated sloths

  56. Schrodinger’s Cat

  57. A smart bison

  58. A bird carrying an elephant that ate a crocodile that was in love with an ox who thought it was bee.

  59. The hummingbird paradox

  60. Tamagochi (IT WAS A COMPUTER)

  61. The thunderbird

  62. A glob of living chewing gum

  63. A dog that barks the Future

  64. A smug time traveler (See Number 32)

  65. Unstoppable guinea pigs

  66. Giggling goldfish

  67. PUMAS!

  68. Punk crickets

  69. Hypochondriac spaniels

  70. Furbies (They watch you while you sleep)

  71. Sugary tortoise

  72. Bitter tortoise

  73. Tortoise on a boat

  74. Pickled tortoise

  75. Aggressive tortoise

  76. Tortoise who’s a goat.

  77. Beautiful scorpions

  78. Ghastly ducklings

  79. Forensic gorillas

  80. Taxidermied moose heads (They’ll laugh at you and tell you’ll be dead by dawn)

  81. A steel tiger

  82. A rainbow serpent with control over gender

  83. The living, laughing Melon

  84. Bearded myna

  85. Winged bull

  86. Bugbears

  87. Water bears

  88. Nervous echidnas

  89. Kapow-Chow: The Karate Dog

  90. Cats (They scream at all hours of the night, they can’t understand language, they’ll leave your home smelling awful, their hair is left EVERYWHERE, they’ll tear apart your furniture, they’ll eat your plants, they sleep most of the day, and at any given moment they may decide to bite you. WHY DO WE KEEP CATS AS PETS?).

  91. Utahraptors

  92. Ibong Adarna: The Bird Princess

  93. BADGERS!

  94. Bombastic racoons

  95. Ambivalent yaks

  96. Invisible dachshunds

  97. Self-Replicating ducks

  98. The Timeless Capybara

  99. The Thousand Foot Hedgehog

  100. Nicholas Cage (He’ll rip your FACE. OFF) (See Number 64).

100 Awkward Situations

As per a request (and, yes, I DO take requests), I have compiled together this list of 100 Awkward Situations. Enjoy? Maybe? I hope so… I really hope so.

  1. You’re standing in the line at the grocery store and read out a magazine headline “The New Pope is Gay”. You chuckle, only to realize that the New Pope is standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

  2. You’re riding your motorcycle, only to realize that you’re wearing a pleather jacket and now NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  3. You think you’re talking to a cat when it’s really a person.

  4. You’re riding your bicycle only to realize that you’re wearing a pleather jacket and now NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  5. Somehow you pronounce “Mexico” “May-Jock-Ahl” at a Cinco de Mayo celebration.

  6. You’re standing in the line at the grocery store and grab a bag of skittles. To make sure no one gets the wrong idea you shout out “I’m not Gay, you guys! I like Skittles! I SWEAR!”. Also, The New Pope is still standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

  7. You’re riding a horse only to realize that you’re wearing a pleather jacket and now NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  8. You walk into a job interview, and instead of shaking the interviewer’s hand you grab their face and scream until your eyes bleed.

  9. You tell your elderly neighbors about your love of industrial noise-punk. The awkward part is that your neighbors are deaf.

  10. You’re riding on the city bus only to realize that you’re wearing a pleather jacket and now NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  11. You’re standing in the line at the grocery store and notice that the person in front of you is buying a suspicious amount of carrots. You tap the person on the shoulder and scream “Lots of carrots huh are you a rabbit? Ha ha HA!”. The person stares coldly into your soul. Also, the New Pope is buying a whole lot of skittle behind you, does this mean he’s gay?

  12. You decide that your cousins Bar Mitzvah is the right moment to tell everyone that you don’t know what a Knish is and make a really big deal out of it.

  13. When someone asks you a question, you try and reply “absolutely” but you’re really really hungry and so instead you say “Hamsolutely”

  14. You go up to a person to introduce yourself, but you mistakenly shove them to the ground and step on their head.

  15. You’re on the train and you’re eating way too many moon pies but you can’t stop because they’re too delicious.

  16. You’re in the line at the grocery store and “Sweet Home Alabama” comes on the radio.  You turn to the New Pope behind you and try to get him to sing a duet with you to the song, but the New Pope doesn’t understand because he doesn’t speak English and the translator doesn’t know the lyrics to the song. Also: Isn’t that translator a little TOO handsome to be a translator?

  17. A friend of yours tells you about a new album he just bought, you try and feign interest but instead recite the entirety of “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”.

  18. You’re at a Steven King book signing, and when you approach the table to have him sign your copy of “Under the Dome” you realize you instead brought “Under the Hawthorne Tree”.

  19. You walk into a record store and ask the desk clerk what classic rock is. The clerk begins to reply, but you cut him ff saying “Screw it, anything made before 1986 is basically doo wop anyways”. The awkward part is that you’re wearing a Steely Dan T-Shirt.

  20. You realize that you almost spelled it “Stealy Dan”.

  21. You’re in the line at the grocery store, and the cashier is waiting for a price check on five boxes of Cheerios (there might be a sale going on).  You look behind you at the New Pope and wave. The New Pope frowns and tries to catch up on “All My Children”. You give a meaningful look at the New Pope’s translator and say “You’re too handsome to know this, but every goddamn Pope loves that show” and give him a meaningful wink.

  22. You’re at the Pleather Convention and you don’t know how to tell the Convention-goers that NOBODY LIKES THEM.

  23. While discussing “Midnight’s Children” with your book club you come to the sudden realization that this entire time you thought it was written by DC comics’ zombie supervillain Solomon Grundy.

  24. A homeless person asks you for change and you go into a thirty minute tirade about the fiscal cliff.

  25. You’re on a bus to Newark, bored out of your mind. To pass the time you start screaming “NEW YORK/ I’M GONNA MAKE IT/ BACON PANCAKES/ NEW YORK/ NEW YORK”. You then realize that you don’t know the words to this song, and now everybody on the bus knows it.

  26. You’re in the line at the grocery store and a very flustered young man taps you on the shoulder. “Hey Man, you think i can go in front of you, I only need to buy this Honey baked ham, and I’ve got get it in the cooler soon”. You smile, but realize that you’re smiling TOO much. Flustered, you try and get out of it by staring at his nose and saying blankly “Hamsolutely”.

  27. You think it’s going to rain when you leave for work, so you put on your poncho. When you leave for work, you realize that it never rained, but you still have to walk home in a poncho.

  28. You’re at your Great Aunt’s wake, and to comfort you’re grandmother you tell her about the latest season of The Walking Dead, afterwards solemnly adding “So at least she’ll stay dead and never come back, ever. She is dead and gone forever. But man, I really like that show”.

  29. You’re at the dentist and you nod to a black man who’s waiting to have his braces removed. You start to wonder if by nodding at him you’ve proved that you’re racist. The awkward part is that you’re also black.

  30. You’re talking to your friend about salads, and they say “Yeah, I usually like to use Mizuna in mine”. You Smile and shout “MIZUNA?! I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER!” and laugh about it for the next half hour.

  31. You’re in the line at the grocery store, the cashier has returned and finishes checking out the person with the Cheerios. “That’ll be 39.05” says the cashier, you tap the Ham Man on the shoulder and whisper to him “I bet it wouldn’t be as much if Obama weren’t in office”. The Ham Man turns to you and says seriously “I work for Obama. That man pays 39.05 for EVERY grocery trip he takes. He’s a good man”. You smile and say “Yeah, that’s what Congress WANTS you to think” and nod your head exactly five times and add “I voted for Ross Perot”.

  32. You’re at a movie theater and you’re going to buy a ticket for the new Superman movie. You tell them “One for Superman”, and the Ticket clerk tells you “Actually, it’s called ‘Man of Steel’. You chuckle nervously, and then proceed to cry for fifteen minutes silently saying “I didn’t know, I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry”.

  33. You see a white person with glasses walking down the street. You run up to them and scream “FUCK RADIOHEAD! I HATED THEM IN THE 90’S AND I HATE THEM NOW” and run away. Later you realize that nobody in Radiohead wore glasses.

  34. You’re at the zoo and your friend turns to you and says “Wow, this is really an awkward turtle moment”. You smile and nod, but then realize that there’s a turtle staring directly at you, and it does not look happy.

  35. You’re on the bus and you’re talking about public radio and how it needs to be better funded, when the bus crashes. As your crawling along the wreckage, you find the bu driver who is close to the end of her life. You clear your throat, cough up some blood, and say “This wouldn’t have happened if NPR had government funding. I’m just saying”.

  36. You’re in the line at the grocery store. The Person with all of the carrots is being checked out now (follow by the Ham Man, followed by you, and then the New Pope and his handsome translator). You look around the line and realize that EVERYONE is buying a suspicious amount of carrots. You shift on your feet and shout “Wow, I guess I missed the memo saying that the carrot pope was coming to town!”. You laugh and everyone stares at you. The handsome translator taps you on the shoulder and whispers “The New Pope IS the Carrot Pope”.

  37. You’re in the bus station and see a family of Amish. you run up to them and scream “Hey do guys own a farm? I own a farm on Facebook! Do you have facebook, we could own farms together!”. You go into depth about your facebook farm for the next two hours, and the Amish father smiles politely and listens, but the entire time you’re really thinking about his hat.

  38. A homeless person asks you for spare change and instead of giving them a dollar you give them the keys to your house and say “It’s yours now, just be sure to water the plants!”. You then follow the homeless person back to your house and peek into the window to make sure they’re going to water the plants.

  39. You’re ordering breakfast at Denny’s and the waiter asks if you’d like hash browns with your Moons Over My hammy. You smile and say “Hamsolutely!”. The awkward part is that you’re a Hasidic Jew.

  40. You’re in the middle of your discussion of climate change with the UN general assembly when you mistake the Chinese representative for Chow Yun Fat. “Holy Shit, you were in Bulletproof Monk” you yell out. The Foreign dignitary frowns and says “I don’t like talking about that chapter of my life”.

  41. You’re in line at the grocery store and the clock is ticking away, you’re waiting and waiting and waiting. You open a few bags of Skittle and start to eat them while the cashier checks away at those bags of carrots. The Ham Man turns around and watches you eat Skittles, in fact everyone is watching as you eat through three to five bags of Skittles. You panic. You turn around and yell at the line “I like the taste of Skittles, this has nothing to do with whether or not I love the Pope”. The Pope tries to ignore this.

  42. You’re on the phone with the doctor’s office to confirm an appointment. The receptionist asks your last name and in a fit of panic you throw the phone to the ground and begin screaming. You burn off your fingerprints and swim across the ocean to Cuba and when you get to Cuba you realize that you can’t speak Spanish and your throat hurts from screaming the entire time.

  43. You’re in a restaurant, eating alone. The waiter comes up to you and asks if anyone will be joining you today. You tell them “No”, and the waiter screams at you “THEN YOUR LIFE IS SAD AND MEANINGLESS”. When they bring out your food, you realize everything has been made to look like a frowny face.

  44. A homeless person asks you for spare change, you pick them up and carry them into the nearest post office, all the while telling everyone you see that you’re doing what has to be done.

  45. You’re in the security line at the airport and a TSA agent asks you for your ID. Instead of giving them your ID you give them your suitcase and start telling them how zippers work.

  46. You’re in line at the grocery store, and the cashier has finally finished ringing up all of the carrots. You tap the Ham Man on the shoulder, but they don’t want to talk to you. “You’re just going to make fun of Obama again”. You look behind you but the New Pope is refusing to make eye contact, and the handsome translator had to use the bathroom.  The radio cut out halfway through “Sweet Home Alabama”, and you’re all out of Skittles.  You shift on your feet. You see the person is paying with a Discover credit card. Throw down all of the packets of gum and say “Discover? I don’t- I don’t really even know her? That’s… that is a joke! HA! HAHA!” You look around the store and make sure everyone understands this. No one makes eye contact with you.

  47. You’re on your first date, and everything seems to be going all right. Your date leans in and looks at you directly in the eyes “This date’s going great, usually people throw up on me by now”. You smile, why would- Uh oh. You throw up.

  48. You’re with your real estate agent, looking for a new apartment.  This one would be nice if it weren’t for this small kitchen, you think. You try and tell this to your real estate agent, but instead you shout out “I THINK I’M GOING TO SET THIS ENTIRE PLACE ON FIRE”.

  49. You’re at a bar and overhear people talking about the new Star Wars Episode VII, specifically about Han Solo’s role in the plot. You speak up “Oh, Is Dustin Hoffman going to be Han again”. The entire bar laughs at you. The awkward part is that you’ve never seen Star Wars.

  50. You quietly realize that absolutely none of these situations would be happening if you had higher self esteem. Then you start to panic that at any moment you could wake up in a bathtub of ice with your kidneys missing.

  51. You’re in the line at the grocery store, and nobody is looking at you. Suddenly you shout out “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”. Nobody smiles, and you realize that as time has gone on you don’t even remember what Orange is supposed to look like. The New Pope seems to be warming back up to you, though.

  52. You’re on a date, and you think it’s going really well. Your date looks at you “Hey, would you want to head back to my place and maybe we can cook some pasta together?”. “Hamsolutely!” you say with gusto. Your date frowns at you: Their parents were killed by ham.

  53. You’re playing a game of Scrabble with your favorite aunt, you put down what you think to be the perfect word only to realize that you spelled out POOP. You’re aunt shakes her head: it’s not even a high word score.

  54. You’re at a mixer and someone asks you what kind of music you like. You smile, take out your iPod, and play for them thirty four minutes of people rubbing meat on paper. After it’s over you say “I also like Carrie Grant” and smile the biggest smile you can.

  55. You’re relieved when you realize that your longstanding fixation with pleather is over, but then you find yourself thinking about it again and about how NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  56. You’re in the line at the grocery store and the Ham man has bought his ham and is packing it up into a paper bag. You jump over your cart of empty skittle wrappers and help him with it. The Ham Man looks at you and says “Thanks”. You say “You’re welcome, Ham Man”. The Ham Man gives you a look of utmost disdain, “My name’s Chris” he says.

  57. You’re on the bus and you realize that you’ve been traveling in the wrong direction. Too polite to do anything about it, you get off at the next stop and realize that you’ve entered into the bad part of town.  Even though it’s broad daylight, and nothing seems too dangerous, you panic. A person walks by you, a mugger? WHO KNOWS. “Hey” says the Mugger. You scream. “Please for the love of God don’t mug me I gave my house to a homeless person” you scream. The mugger says “Dude, chill. You want me to buy you an iced latte?”. You don’t want to know what this means in mugger speak, so instead you run as fast as you can straight down the middle of the road, all the while screaming “Once upon a time I was falling in love/ but Now I’m only falling apart./ I don’t know what to do/ it’s a total eclipse of the heart”.

  58. You’re meeting an old high school acquaintance for the first time in five years. You palms sweat. Your acquaintance finds you in a coffee shop “Hey man, whats up?” the acquaintance asks. You throw scalding hot coffee in their face and wet yourself.

  59. You’re playing video games with your young cousins. You’re winning the video game, and in a fit of celebration you pour an entire gallon of milk into their gaming council and shout at them “That’s how we DO IT” whilst fist pumping. It’s awkward because your cousins are lactose intolerant.

  60. You’re in a bar, drinking alone. The bartender walks by you, shakes her head, and says “It’s people like you who make me want to gouge my eyes out with toothpicks”. She then gouges her eyes out with toothpicks.

  61. You’re in the line at the grocery store and the cashier begins to check out your groceries. They stare at all of the empty Skittles wrappers in your cart and sigh. “I was hungry”, you plead, “I was hungry for the rainbow!”. The cashier furrows their brow at you. “But… but it’s not a gay thing. I swear. I’m not gay!”, you then look over at the handsome translator and wink three times.

  62. You’re sleeping in your bed when you get a phone call: It’s the president of the united states. “We need someone to accompany me to the best theme park int he world, do you want to come with? We’ll be joined by my two best friends George Clooney and Tom Waits”. You jolt up in your bed: Is this a dream? Does it matter? NO. You lick your lips in grim determination. “Hamsolutely”, you say. The President starts to say something, but then hangs up.

  63. You’re walking down the street on a gorgeous summer day and you pass by The Gap. You stop dead in your tracks: Pleather. Tons of it. Terrified you turn around and shout to everyone staring at you “STOP HATING ME! PLEASE! STOOOOOOOP IT!!!!”. It’s of no use, because NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  64. A homeless person asks you for spare change. You stop in your tracks, take out your wallet, and remove thirty one dollar bills. You hold them up high for the homeless person and for everyone around you to see, then proudly declare “I have no change! I am broke as a button!”.

  65. You’re driving across the country when you’re pulled over by a police officer. “Do you know how fast you were going there, son?” asks the Officer. You smile your biggest smile, give the officer a fast food wrapper, and say “No thanks, I’m from Wisconsin”.

  66. You’re in the line at the grocery store. You look at your watch: Has it really been an hour. You look up at the cashier for answers. “An Hour? AN HOUR? No way has it been an hour!”. You jump up on the conveyor belt and begin squashing your tomatoes screaming “I can’t believe it’s been an hour”. The Handsome translator turns to the New Pope and whispers something. The New Pope looks up at you and says “God lives outside of time and space, but he cannot forgive you”.

  67. You’re picking up your son from school. “Hiya Kiddo, how was school today?” you beam with pride. “Oh, it was okay, we got a new class hamster and we named him Copernicus”. You laugh a little too loudly, then whisper to your son “And soon it’ll be as dead as the REAL Copernicus” before laughing more and more.

  68. You’re walking down the street and pass by someone who is slightly overweight. You stop, look at them in the eye, and say “POO POO POO!” then make a gun with your fingers and shoot at a nearby pigeon with it.

  69. You’re at the Used Car dealership, looking at used Civics because they’re affordable and have great mileage. “We also have some great Fits, if you’re interested” says the Dealer. You look in the eyes of the dealer and say “If I wanted a Fit, I’d have slept with your mother!” and give a big pelvic thrust.  It’s awkward because the dealer is your brother.

  70. You’re watching the newest Iron Man movie for the fourth time. At the precise moment Robert Downey Jr. puts on the Iron Man suit for the ninth time you stand up and applaud wildly and sing “He’s done it again/ That Iron Man/ Put on his suit/ Now he’s ready to boot/ Evil, that is”. The other people in the cheap theater shake their heads and try to ignore you.

  71. You’re in the line at the grocery store and you just realized that you forgot to buy milk. You gaze in horror at the cashier “I forgot milk. Oh no! I- Shoot. I… I really need to get milk” you try and explain to the Cashier, the New Pope, the handsome translator, the really nice Hispanic lady who’s been very kind about your outbursts. You shake your head in abject horror. You reach over the cashier and turn on the intercom “I FORGOT THE MILK”, you yell and stare into the laser scanner as your words echo throughout the store: This might be the worst day of your life, and the New Pope has the most beautiful hands you’ve ever seen.

  72. You decide to order a tamale from a food cart and practice your Spanish. “You want a tamale?” asks the Cart clerk. You nod and smile and say “C’est neci un pipe”, then you grab the tamale from the clerk and mush it into your face.

  73. You’re on a date, and it’s going alright. The waiter brings out your food, “The Lobster for the lady and a giant platter of small microwavable pies for the gentleman” the waiter says. You look at your pies and smile, then look at your date and say “My grandma made pies before she died” before digging into the platter.

  74. You’re visiting the living history monument of the battle of Gettysburg.  As the battle reenactment rages, you dart out onto the battlefield and start singing the hit ABBA song “Waterloo” while dancing. Everyone claps politely, but you can tell nobody understood your artistic intent.

  75. You’re taking a guided tour of Carlsbad caverns and marveling at the sheer beauty of the caves. A fellow tourist taps you on the shoulder and asks if you can take their picture in front of one of the gaping bat infested chambers. You nod, and say “Hamsolutely”. You take the picture, but it turns out horribly because the tourists are wondering what sort of monster you are. You nod, hang your head low, and say “Hamsolutely” before walking away out of the caves.

  76. You’re in line at the grocery store, or rather you’re running through the store to get some milk while the cashier and the New Pope and everyone else wait for you. You get the dairy cooler and fumble to get the doors open. You grab a carton of milk, and drop it. Milk spills everywhere. You stare as the milk pools around your feet and shout back to the counter “I dropped the milk. Do I still have to pay for it?”. Silence. You shake your head: Of course you do. You grab another carton and drop this one as well. Soon you’ve dropped almost all of the milk and the floor, and your shoes are soaked. You bring the last gallon, clutching it with dear life, and walk back to the counter with your shoes squeaking. You look at the cashier and say feebly “I need to buy thirty-five gallons of milk”.

  77. You become convinced that you’ve been spelling your name wrong for the past few decades and have a moment of panic. You rush into the nearest government building and scream “WHO AM I?”. The government workers sigh, as this is just another part of their usual day, and continue on with business as usual as you curl onto the floor and throw up.

  78. A homeless person asks you for spare change, and instead you give him your copy of Gideon’s BIble that you always keep with you on your person. “I hope this book changes your life, it;’s kept me from being shot eight times!”. Right as you give the bible to the homeless person you’re shot, and as you bleed out the homeless person frowns and says “Actually, I’m Buddhist. Sorry”.

  79. You’re friends are talking about the latest season of Game of Thrones and you’re casually listening. When they get to the last episode one friend turns to you and says “Oh, hey, you may want to close your ears, this is a pretty big spoiler”. You shrug and tell them to go ahead. Once they reveal the climactic end with the Dragon Lady you stand up, fuming “I can’t believe you ruined that for me! Now I can’t watch the rest of the series!” you scream. It’s awkward because you’re the head writer for Game of Thrones.

  80. You notice a hipster reading a newspaper on a stoop. You stomp up to them and curtly say “You’re not getting away that easily. I know you’re Jack the RIpper”. The hipster stares at you behind their glasses: How could you possibly know? You wink and take their newspaper and scarf.

  81. You’re in the line at the grocery store, which was nice enough to give you a towel to dry off the milk. The cashier is weighing your produce items. You look over at the New Pope, milk dripping down your face. The New Pope doesn’t know what else to do, so they smile and nod. You nod enthusiastically and say “Mom always said I gots to drink lots of milk!”. You turn to the translator, who shakes his head and says “I will never say those words to his holiness, you terrible and ugly man”.

  82. You’re on a date, and it’s not going well. Your date finishes their glass of wine and smiles at you politely. “How’s your food?” they ask. You choke on risotto, stare at your date in terror and say “I don’t understand black people”.

  83. You’re on the phone for two hours and think you’re talking to you mother, only to realize that you’ve been talking to her cat.

  84. You suddenly realize that you don’t know where the Canary Islands are and let out a pained shriek in the middle of workday.

  85. You’re talking with your therapist about your issues with pleather. You’re making real headway, until they notify you that the couch you’ve been sitting on for ten months now, the one you thought was genuine pig’s hide, is actually pleather. Your mouth hangs open, and you jump out the window.

  86. You’re in the line at the grocery store and it’s time for you to pay. “That’ll be 57.96” says the cashier. You smile, take out your wallet, and giver the cashier your credit card. “Is this debit or credit?” the cashier asks. You freeze. The cashier asks again “Debit or credit?”. You hold the card in front of your face and shout “I DON’T KNOW THE BANK JUST GIVES ME THESE THINGS AND I USE THEM! STOP JUDGING ME!!!!!”

  87. You’re walking out of the movie theater with a group of friends. You fall to your knees in awe and terror as you realize that now every time you try and picture a native American they’ll have Johnny Depp’s face. You’re friends ask you what’s wrong and you shout “JOHNNY DEPP’S FACE!”.

  88. It’s your time to accept the Nobel Peace Prize for solving all conflict in the Middle East. You walk up to the podium, the crowd applauds. You quiet them down, you nod to the foreign dignitaries and wave to the thousands of newspaper and Al Jazeera reporters who made such a feat possible. The crowd quiets down, anticipating the single greatest speech in history. You clear your throat and say “Thank you, I am hamsolutely humbled to receive such an honorable award, and I know that I wouldn’t have been able to-” It’s too late. Nobody’s listening to you anymore. A wave of nervous chuckles echo through the room, the King of Saudi Arabia tries to busy himself with Angry Birds. You begin again “I am hamsolutely humbled to…” Nope. The audience clears out. The Kohmeni looks over at the Emir of Qatar and spits on him. The Nobel comity takes back the award, and kicks you off the stage before thorwing balls of paper at your face.

  89. You walk onto a crime scene that the police need your expert consultation on. As you look over the evidence and scour the scene, your iPhone goes off. You make a big deal about answering it, even though it’s the cable company calling you to see if you’re happy about your service. You walk through the crime scene and contaminate it while raving about the cable’s on demand service. It’s awkward because you traveled back in time to 1856 and the police have no conception of what “cable” or an “iPhone” or “Contamination of evidence” is.

  90. You’re driving your car to the post office when you realize that you left the postcard you were going to send back home. In a fit of rage you drive into the ocean and run over a child’s beach ball in the process. The parents try to use the beach ball as a means to explain death, but it doesn’t work.

  91. You’re in the line at the grocery store and the bag boy is bagging up all of your groceries. You gingerly touch them on the shoulder and say “It’s okay, Bucko, I got the rest of this”. The bag boy nods and leaves, and immediately you place three cantaloupes on top of your eggs. The New Pope, who is now having his Skittles and magazines checked out, tries to help you. You slap away the New Pope hand and shout “What I say? I got this!”. You continue to try and figure out how paper bags work while the New Pope and the translator watch on in exasperated terror.

  92. You’ve been calling you hamster a dog for the past fifty years, even though the hamster has been dead for fourty-six of them.

  93. You’re at your cousins Bar Mitzvah. The Rabbi find you and says “It was a great service, don’t you think?”. You grab the Rabbi by the beard and say “RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES, YOU PIG!”.

  94. A homeless person asks you for spare change, and instead you sing every single top 40 hit from 1979 to 1991.

  95. You’re in line to meet Bill Clinton at a local charity event. You walk up to the former president and say “I think you should have played Batman. Really. YOU SHOULD HAVE”. Clinton tries to smile.

  96. You’re at the Opera, and during the final aria you throw a pig onstage and proceed to theme clap until the pig dances. The pig never does.

  97. Years have passed, and you’ve come to the realization that: You know what, pleather isn’t actually that bad. In fact, you kind of like pleather. You walk up to your mother on her death bed and say “Mom, I wanted to let you know that it’s been a tough road for me, but I think I’ve finally come to respect pleather. Your mother coughs, and says with her dying breath: NOBODY LIKES YOU.

  98. You’re at a breakfast diner and you order two eggs with toast. When the waiter asks how you’d like your eggs you laugh for five minutes and then say “I guess I’d like them on a plate!”. The waiter shakes their head: They’re not going to get a tip form this table.

  99. You’re on a date at the symphony for a nice afternoon of classical music, wine, and cheese. You put down the picnic blanket, take out the bottle of Pinot and glasses, the Camembert and brie, then you put the picnic basket on your head and run around making robot noises. The awkward part is that you’ve had your leg replaced by a prosthetic, and nobody really likes to bring it up.

  100. You’re in the line at the grocery store, and you’re ready to leave. You pick up your oddly shaped bags and look back at these people who’ve you’ve laughed and loved with. These people who, for the past hour, have endured so much and have stuck by you throughout everything. You throw down your grocery bags. You address the grocery line: “Okay, fine. I’m in love with the Pope, and I don’t care who knows it!”. The New Pope looks at you. He smiles, rips off his pope hat and throws it to the ground. He runs up to you and together you both embrace and kiss. He leans in and asks, in perfect English, “You mean it? You’ll love me forever, for better or for worse, through richness and poorness?”. You smile, stare deeply into his eyes and whisper “Hamsolutely”.

100 Science Fictions

  1. Space Crisis on Planet Helmar

  2. Greygax the Horrible

  3. It Came from 5 Places

  4. Don’t Look at It!

  5. I Have Space-Sickies

  6. Robot with Mallet

  7. The Monster from Pluto’s Moon

  8. Urion

  9. Capricia

  10. The Lowest Point

  11. Stanley Spaceman: Man in SPACE!

  12. Mars is Puce

  13. Hyraxi!

  14. Uh-Oh, Asteroid

  15. The Stock Crash of Fortuna

  16. Planet Without a Face

  17. The Saddest Belt

  18. Mantis!

  19. Remus V: Planet of Wretch

  20. KRAAG

  21. C.C.C.X

  22. Stanley Spaceman in Jungle Trouble… IN SPACE!

  23. His Eyes Were Gone

  24. Lof the Greedy

  25. Zzzzzappp

  26. Zapf: Dingbat from Space

  27. The Tromper of Delubina

  28. Justise

  29. Tortoise of Terror

  30. GIF, GIF, GIF!

  31. The Incredible Moron

  32. Death Isn’t on the Moon

  33. Stanely Spaceman and the Case of the Martian Mirror

  34. Ghosts of Yesterday’s Past

  35. A City of Unrest

  36. The Jewel of Forever

  37. Not This Time

  38. Fear of Stars

  39. A.R.C.S and L.E.A.D

  40. The Forgotten Workday

  41. If the Moon Could Dance

  42. Hitler was a Space Robot from Saturn’s Past


  44. Stanely Spaceman Can’t Find It.

  45. Cybermonday

  46. “The Goo”, It Said

  47. Martian Ragweed

  48. Tyler is Gone


  50. The Giant Reef Monster

  51. Nibbles the Unrelenting

  52. Iron Cast

  53. The Looming Cloud

  54. The Twin of Janus

  55. A Bead of Six: A Stanley Spaceman Tale

  56. Error of Infinity

  57. Not Again This Time

  58. *See Appendix

  59. The Fire of 1000 Suns

  60. “I Can See the Future, Captain”


  62. Curiosity’s Folly

  63. It Was Right There

  64. You Won’t Like It

  65. The Longest 10

  66. Stanley Spaceman has a Problem

  67. Steam-Powered Monster Brains Attack the Pentagon!

  68. The Creeping Time

  69. But, Why?

  70. The Look of Galf

  71. The Year of Ice

  72. There’s too Many!

  73. Yesterday’s Tomorrow

  74. It Sneezes

  75. The Cats of Forever

  76. Green Gooses!

  77. Stanley Spaceman Makes a Friend

  78. Crazy Enough

  79. Lorem: The Always Planet

  80. Lights of Mars

  81. Samuel?

  82.  /ERROR/

  83. The Monster Needs to Eat

  84. Unidentified but See-Through

  85. Zeron: Element of the Void

  86. Woman of Sad Eternities

  87. Horrible Things

  88. Stanley Spaceman’s Space-Egg from Outer Space!

  89. I Can’t Hear It

  90. Don’t Look Now, But It’s Here

  91. Robot Needs an Outlet

  92. Anger of Deos

  93. Beige and Marooned: Lisa in Space

  94. Helmets of Crius VI

  95. Steel Heart, Living Lungs

  96. The Green Also Grows

  97. K.O.R.P.S.Es

  98. The Gears of the Martian Revolution

  99. The Death of Stanley Spaceman: An Earthling’s Tale

  100. “It Can’t Be”, Said the Moon.