As we all know the fate of the universe stands on who wins an Oscar. Well, not every Oscar, only the three most important ones: Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Sound Editing. But who has time to see all of these movies, let alone cast their ballot in the Oscar voting booth. Fortunately, I’ve compiled together this list of the nominees with a brief description of their merits and a grading scale for them. So now when you’re talking to JJ Abrams and Ed Helms over your Google on February 24th, you can tell them WHO you vote for, and WHY you vote for, and then you’ll save the world just like Iron Hawk in “The Avengings”.
Amour (Nominated for Best Picture, and Best Directing)
Pigeons have learned to open windows! OH NO! The shock of this causes a French woman to lose her heart, and then her husband has to give her a bath. This movie has some pianos in it, two or maybe three, and it’s foreign so it counts as a book too! Overall I’d give it five windows and eight firemen.
Life of Pi (Nominated for all three!)
This movie, based off of a book of the same name, is about an Indian boy whose father owns a zoo! Oh Boy, it’s great! There are Tigers, and Zebras, and probably even Lemurs! The boy, named Pi but not because of a dessert, has so much fun at the zoo but then his father dies in a boat and he’s sad for the rest of the movie until he comes to the United States where everyone else hates boats too. This movie has a bunch of animals in it, but they’re not the funny talking kinds like in those other movies about animals on boats, so that’s a major down point. But it does feature Indian food, so maybe it’s even? I give this movie three tigers, one ocean, and Zero hulks.
Silver Linings Playbook (Nominated for Best Picture and Best Director)
Dancin’! That’s the name of the game in this raucous comedy, where former dance instructor Pat “Dancin’ Dancory” Murnau has to teach a young up-and-comer (played by young up-and-comer Jennifer Lawrence) how to dance in time for the big dance-off on Saturday night. There’s just one problem: Pat gets a horrible head injury and gets amnesia! Now Both he AND the young up-and-comer (her name is something like JPEG)! Oh No! Fortunately, Robert DeNiro steps in as the wise old Danceman himself Mikhail Baryshnikov (His friends call him “Pat Senior”, though. It’s an inside joke) “But Mickey” says Pat (Pat calls him “Mickey”. He thinks it’s an inside joke, but really it’s just hurtful) “I don’t REMEMBER HOW TO DANCE!” “Why It’s easy!” Says DeNiro in his best Russian accent (also of note is the stunning make-up on DeNiro’s Baryshnikov) “Alls you gotta do is move your hands and feet in a synchronous manner!” “I’m Getting it! Golly Gee!”. They all have a laugh. It’s good family fun, and in the end the winning move JPEG makes to win the Dance contest (Spoiler alert) is from Pat’s old Silver Linings Playbook. Words cannot describe the depths of amazement this film reaches. I give it fourteen stars. Out of Five. Fourteen out of five stars.
Argo (Nominated for best Sound Editing and Best Picture)
Argo is a movie about a group of the last humans on a distant planet, where they have to ride in spaceships and fight bird-monsters who are commanded by Lord Zod the Unpleasant. It’s a harrowing adventure tale of romance, revenge, and aerial dogfights. But this “Argo” is about the making of the other Argo, and it’s a bit disappointing (especially because we only focus on the script supervisor, BORING), but apparently during filming Canada held the crew hostage. It has a good cast, but I’m a little shocked at what they’re saying by having a meth mastermind work in the CIA and a KKK Cyclops working in Hollywood. At any rate, I give this film Thirty beards and one Jimmy Carter.
Lincoln (Nominated for Best Picture and Best Director)
Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States of America. He was born in a log cabin, he had a large hat, and a BIIIIIIIIG beard. He liked various puddings, and he enjoyed going to see plays at the local theater. He is dead now, and we’re sad, but before he died he made this movie! So we can be happy. Abraham Lincoln did a fine job making this movie, especially considering that he didn’t know what a movie was, but he does get a bit too self-congratulatory (Come on, Lincoln, you’ve already said the Gettysberg address once, why say it again?). I give this movie thirteen desks and five hats.
Zero Dark Thirty (Nominated for Best Sound Editing and Best Picture)
In Zero Dark Thirty a woman watches a number of people drink too much water and then decides that she has to kill Osama Bin Laden, who has been making wine for the past five years. She thinks she has found Bin Laden, but the CIA chief is too concerned with his hair to help her out. Sad and angry, the woman decides to paint numbers on the walls. This movie gives an accurate account of what happened just last year (including the FBI sending their best man, Burt Maclan, to take down their #1 target), but it’s hardly the sequel to “Argo” that we all wanted. They didn’t even include the bird monster! I give this movie three monkeys and a classified number of stars.
Les Misérables (Nominated only for Best Picture, get it together)
Uh oh: France. These are the words that race through Johhny VanJoel’s mind in every second of the musical Les Misérables, but lucky for Johnny he meets a nun and everything works out because some street urchins broke some tables. Johnny isn’t able to escape the police chief, though. When the chief asks Johnny why he did it, why he had to come to France, Johnny smiles and says “Aw, Chief, you know how these things work out. One day you’re eating bread, and the next you’re singing about drums”. The chief will never understand this, but at least Johnny finds what he’s been looking for. This movie is good, but I wish everyone wasn’t singing because I don’t think it’s very realistic. During the REAL French Revolution only the nobles were allowed to sing. I give this movie no haircuts and 525,600 minutes. Or… wait… yeah.
Beasts of the Southern Wild (Nominated for Best Picture and Best Director)
An ancient evil has been loosed from its icy prison in the Northern Arctic: The Aurocs. They were hatched in the primordial stew of the chaos and void of the beginning of the universe, and now they’re back and cutting a swath of destruction throughout the world. Only a young girl named Hushpuppy stands in the way between the Aurocs and her town of The Bathtub, and following advice from her bloodsick father and a wise witchdoctor she travels to the Elysian Fields to find a magic catfish to stop these beasts. These Beasts of the Southern Wild. This movie has a lot of water in it, also a lot of animals, in fact this movie is almost exactly like “Life of Pi” in that it has young children, animals, and water. I give this film one small dog and a dead alligator.
Django Unchained (Nominated for Best Sound Editing and Best Picture)
In this prequel to “Lincoln”, Jamie Foxx and Christoph Waltz play a black man and a horse-killing dentist (respectively) who hunt down a notorious carriage thief before galloping off to Candyland. There are other people who die too, plenty of other people, and filmmaker Quentin Tarrantino stars as a person of indeterminate nationality. This movie is fine, although I think the REAL winner for this years Oscars is the beard. I give this movie three dead people and eight gallons of blood.
Skyfall (Nominated only for Best Sound Editing, good but not good enough)
James wakes up in his Russian condo after years of retirement. It’s M: “James, You’ve got to help me, the Sky is falling! The Sky is falling!”. Thus begins the newest installment of the film franchise “James Bond”. Throughout the movie, Bond mugs to camera cheekily saying things like “I got out of retirement for THIS?” and “I’m gettin’ too old for this”, as well as Bond’s signature catchphrase “Yipee Kay-Yay Queen Elizabeth”. It turns out that M is right, the Sky is falling because the hip youngster Javier Bardem is playing his music too loud, “No way, Gramps, you just don’t got da style anymo'” says Javier’s Silva (named for all the silver plating he has. “Chrome is yesterday’s news, Silver is the now BABY!”). When M is trapped beneath a shard of the sky, James has to make a decision: Do I save the sky or Do I save M, the love of my life (and thus by extension, save his soul)? This film is by far one of the worst bond movies, and I feel it has steered largely away from Flemming’s original novels wherein Bond was a savvy super-spy and a national hero, instead opting for more kid-friendly and bottom of the barrel gags, like the sequence where Bond uses a whoopee cushion to escape from Silva’s moon laser/ice rocket. It’s not the cushion itself, it’s the way he snickers at the camera afterwards and says “Poop”. This is not the Bond we know, and I hope they get their act together for the next installment “James Bond and the Amazing Technicolor Dream-coat”. I give this twenty three films and 7 zeroes.
So, for some more clarifications, here’s who I think will win the Oscars this Year:
Best Picture: “From Here to Eternity”
Best Director: Fred Zinneman, for “From Here to Eternity”
Best Sound Editing: William Holden, for “Stalag 17”